Sick as a Lassie

I hate getting sick. Who doesn't? It's one thing we all have in common. Well, maybe except if your name is Magic Johnson.









Prior to arriving home on Monday, I stopped at a local pharmacy and picked up some Tussin to help ease myself out of this coughing funk. I noticed that the directions on the box call for, at most, 2 teaspoons of mystery juice every four hours.









My question to the drug-making public is this: if the highest dose is 2 tsp, why are there indicators were 3 and 4 teaspoons are located on this plastic cup? Are there some doctors who tell their patients to take more of this gooey red liquid in lieu of real drugs? Do some people take the cup and try to use it to measure ingredients for a cake mix they're working on?









Whenever I get sick, it seems like some of the worst things happen on a national stage.

• Eight years ago, I was stuck in bed as Dubya started a campaign to sink Iraq into the Persian Gulf. That's worked out pretty well, don't ya think?




• Last April, I was hit with the flu bug and Cho Seung-Hui gunned down 30 students at Virginia Tech.




• Now, Governor Spitzer couldn't keep his veto pen in his pants, leading to calls for his resignation. Was this guy REALY thinking he wasn't going to get caught? Bill Clinton = 100 times more powerful and he got nailed (if you catch my drift).

I didn't know there was a dress code for scandal either. Check out the photo on the left. The Governor's wife, McGreevey, Governor's wife, Spitzer (my mom will get that one). Coincedence?

While they all made for interesting yet depressing television, I still can't wait to get back to 75 percent and get to work.

Instead of wasting bottled water, I've decided to drink lots of tap water, hoping to find the perfect assortment of "human and veterinary pharmaceuticals" to cure what's bothering me. My last mug must have had traces of viagra.









Not sure why...it may be the recent ability to use my groin as a coat rack.









In between school work, I managed to watch No Country for Old Men. Solid movie but a lot of symbolism that basic minds like my own didn't quite grasp. I can see why Javier Bardiem won best supporting actor. The guy scared the crap out of me. It's the only good movie the Coen brothers have done so far. And yes, I hated Fargo. My best picture vote still would have gone to Knocked Up.









A few other things I've noticed while relegated to my bed.

• Millionaire is STILL on TV. What a remarkable run for a gameshow that hit its peak 8 years ago. I used to think Meredith Viera was hot like 2 years ago, but the stress of the Today show has taken it's toll (my apologies to JM for this comment....but it had to be done).




• Drew Carey does an OK job on The Price is Right...although it doesn't seem like that's that difficult of a job. I did see him actually kiss a contestant on the lips. You know that woman is bragging to all of her friends about that one. Either bragging or calling local authroities. That hosting gig continues to get better and better.

• Siena really looked impressive last night against Rider. Unless they get a 15 or 16 seed, I could seem them doing well against a team with a dominant big man and average to good guard play. They went up against a potential NBA project in Jason Thompson and blew his squad out of the gym.
  
  
  

Good news for the Sandman. Thanks to this, you might finally have the breakthrough to get your band on a national stage. One call to your sister might do it. I already made my one call to her today. Sorry, I can't help!

lastly, if Saturday Night Live doesn't do a spoof on The Moment of Truth with Gov. Spitzer this weekend, then they're really missing out. The show has been stench since the return.

Thank you Aunt Judith

We all have an Aunt Judith. And if you're my Italian friend, Dr. Nazz, you have about 300 of them....this is what happens when you're related to the entire state of New Jersey.

You know what I'm talking (or in this case "blogging") about. She's the relative who sends tons of emails about sometimes mildly funny, but family appropriate things. It's amazing how many jokes are there about a rabbi and a priest out there.

In some cases, her emails are neither funny or family appropriate "uhhh....I'm staring at a half naked fat chick and if I don't send this to 40 of my friends, I'm going to receive bad luck?"

"Do I even HAVE 40 friends?"

My Aunt Judith lives in California. She didn't catch on to this "email thing" until about 3 years ago. On Saturday, she sent me something that I actually found to be extremely enjoyable. I'm certain Jersey Girl, Sandman, and Joey P will get a chuckle from this.

Just received the NY Giants DVD in the mail. During the London portion of the DVD, I enjoyed watching Sam Madison walk up to an Englishman with a 49ers hat and say, "You like San Francisco? You know we just whipped them last week, right?"

This keeps me occupied while I wait for the highly anticipated flicks Bachelor Party 2 and No Country for Old Men (talk about the spectrum of good and stench) to arrive via blockbuster.com.

I just watched Michael Clayton this week. It was good, but Best Picture worthy? I don't think so. American Gangster was much better. I'd even pay to see Knocked Up before watching George Clooney's tired act for another 2 hours. It's amazing how for good looks can get you. Of course, Seal is the big exception to that rule.

Just added a 6th game to our trip. Yanks at O's on April 20th. Nice work by Mr. Becht!

Mogwai and Motorola

My brother is big into thinking up new inventions. I think he may have tried to patent a few of them...the Amazing Shammy and the smokeless ashtray (with apologies to the late Hoyt Axton's character Randall Peltzer of Gremlins fame) not among them. On a side note, I did always want my own Mogwai but I guess my mom knew of my inability to keep a fish alive for more than 3 weeks and didn't want our town to go the way of Kingston Falls.

What about getting back at the criminals? Screw the scumbag who tries to swipe my hot ride.

Someone needs to invent a device that triggers an electric shock when your car is stolen. Granted there are probably plenty of legalities to overcome to get such a mechanism in your automobile, like the "rights" of the thief trying to steal your car.....The "Stealer Shocker"

Maybe it could be a smaller shock.....a few steps up from the feeling received while watching one of those 3-D productions at Disney like Honey, I Shrunk the Audience. And if you're going to Disney and I ruined the surprise for you, well...then let me add to the anger.....Dumbledore is dead and the chick in The Crying Game is really a dude. Piss off.

At the start of the month, New Jersey started enforcing a new ban on cell phones. Drivers must use hands-free devices or they may be given a $100 ticket. More money for the PBA ball! One report shows that reading while driving is a bigger distraction. Nothing like the morning paper to go with a glass of gridlock.

However, I disagree with both assessments.

My vote might go to the more dangerous, "trying to plug in the headset and dialing the phone while driving." I realize there are cars with the option of having a built-in bluetooth (this was not an option in my "hot ride", pictured above). I'm sorry.....I'm still living in the 2005s....yes, I still own a VCR.....I still dial the phone manually and figure out how to plug in the headset, trying to find a tiny hole that's more difficult to find that Bin Laden.

Yes, I could have taken the low road there.....but I didn't.

Other considerations:

• Eating those irresistible fries in the adjacent bag from McDonalds




• Digging in the bottom of the bag for those extra loose fries from McDonalds




• Realizing that you've dropped fries on the car mat and reach for the loose food product, dislocating your arm in the process




• Seizures resulting from the 30,000th replay of Sean Kingston's "Take Your There"




• Ridiculous potholes from the wintry weather, making the roads of Union County seem like that of downtown Bahgdad.




• Moron rubbernecks who turn to stare at an accident and slow down traffic even more than has been already done (this would also automatically trigger a jolt from the "Stealer Shocker")

Tough week for Patrick Swayze. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the same illness that ended my father's life nearly 6 years ago. The major hurdle with pancreatic cancer is the fact there is no early detection method. By the time it's found, it's usually already too late. Please mark October 5th on your calendars....that's the 2nd Annual Picnic for Pancan in Clark, N.J. to help raise money to education and fund pancreatic cancer research. I hope the best for Patrick and he recovers from this....even with the difficult odds to overcome.

And for the Sandman, line of the night on American Idol....after Danny Noriega was voted off....Ryan Seacrest handed him the mic and told him, "Eat it up Danny."

I'm sure he will.

A Day Full of Georges

Should be an exciting week for me. Heading to see Foof Ighters Tuesday night with a friend at MSG. Foof always puts on a good show.

With the day off from work (thanks Abe, George, George, George, etc.), I took the opportunity to tour Yankee Stadium with my brother and niece.

The new stadium is a stone's throw away from the old one. I was surprised with how much progress has been made for (and I'm using the tour guide's words) The House That George Built.

The tour was pretty quick but hit all of the key sites. It was a little difficult to hear our tour guide at times but it was Yankee Stadium, so I really didn't care too much what he had to bring to the table.

The interesting part came at the end of the tour. My brother uses a camcorder in lieu of a digital camera. We had no problem getting into the tour and when the security guard saw the video camera, he said, "No videos!"

My brother explained that he was taking still shots and the guy didn't have a problem with picture taking....only videos.

I'm not clear as to why this is a stadium policy, but it is. I mean, we have no intention of capturing the full hour tour (including the trip on the elevator where I felt like a sardine or the jam-packed dugout or the 4 minutes we spent in Monument Park) and selling it on ebay. I'm sure that could get top dollar.....OR take shots of Clemens locker complete with tubs of HGH, steroids, and some type of fish tranquilizer. There were no secrets to the tour. I thought the Camden Yards ballpark tour was a million times better.....but still, rules are the rules.



No videotaping. The individuals from Jamaica, Cuba, Mexico, and Haiti made it very clear to us.



As we went further along on the tour, a female security guard (the lovely Jasmine Higgins....who I hope spends the rest of her life working the $7/hour job as a security guard in the Bronx) started giving us a nasty look. While in the locker room (where no photos can be taken....and we obliged), she continued to stare us down, making it very uncomfortable for all of us.

As we came to the close of the tour, Miss Higgins (and I say Miss because no man would want to marry this ugly wench) camped out behind us and saw my brother using his video camera to get a still shot of centerfield. She demanded to have his camera and delete everything on it (including STILL pictures of family related events). I guess this advanced technology hasn't hit that part of Mexico, yet.

We were promptly escorted out of the press box by a guard who used the phrase, "I understand" about 30 times. When we came across the man in charge of security, who was a joy with whom to deal, he didn't care that we were taking pictures. He was more intent on protecting the sanctity of the $15 Yankee Stadium Tour.

After this experience, I didn't decide to become a Mets fan (I'd rather eat my own feces....something the Sandman tends to do every October)....but it did sour my experience of the entire organzation. Luckily, we got to see all four key parts of the tour (press box, park, dugout, locker room) before they realized we were a threat to the billion dollar Yankee empire.

In other news

JBecht and I are planning a trip to see 5 stadiums in 5 days.

• 4/21 Cardinals at Brewers




• 4/22 Mets at Cubs (day); Yankees at White Sox (night)
  
  
  


• 4/23 Rangers at Tigers...possibly meet up with VFR and Reako.





• 4/24 Mets at Nats

Needless to say, I am fired up.

I guess it would make sense to send my regards to George, who is probably working another late shift at one of NYC's largest publications.

Thank you Mr. Sandman for this. It's extremely difficult to do so without laughing. Hard.

And on a more somber note, I have mentioned Professor Randy Pausch in the past. He has pancreatic cancer and was told in August that he had 3-6 months to live. Here is an 11 minute abbreviated version of the lecture to his students. He's a tremendous person and role model.

Now Starring in Pinocchio, The Rocket

Should I ever find myself in a particularly difficult predicament (argument that I can't win, whether I should go with the Diet Coke or Pepsi, figuring out women, trying to decipher a Rubik's Cube), I am going to call Roger Clemens.

This guy is trying everything to get around the truth. Where is Colonel Jessup when we need him, VFR?

Based on what I've seen (and many others with which I've discussed this matter), Roger Clemens isn't just full of HGH...he's also full of...well, you know what. It doesn't make me happy as a baseball fan (and no team is safe from this steroid epidemic as all franchises have been affected in one way or another) that the sport my father and many other parents used to create a bond with their children is being torn apart by athletes looking to get an advantange. And I don't want to hear the argument that HGH and steroids were illegal at the time. They were illegally used in this country and sports should be governed by the same rules that we have to live by. Unless you're one of the Congressmen who are investigating this ordeal, then the sky is the limit.

When you consider that the all time home run leader (Bonds), all time hits leader (Pete Rose), and arguably the most dominant pitcher in recent history (Clemens) have all done significant damage to the country's greatest pastime, it really sickens me.

It's a good thing O.J. didn't chose to play baseball for a living.

While listening to the radio today, I heard a talk show host rip Andy Pettitte for teling the truth during his deposition last week. Instead of saying what he knew, he should have used the "I don't recall" or "I'm not 100 % sure" line and helped his friend off the hook.

A very LARGE hook, I might add.

None of us can say for sure what we'd do in that situation. However, I can empathize with what Pettitte did and won't rip him for telling the truth. I was never really good at lying and most of the time I dug my hole so deep that I could have reached China. And I'm not defending him just because Mr. Pettitte (#46 for those scoring at home....and I know you are Mr. Pendleton and the Sandman) is my mom's favorite player. Yes, it's great to be loyal to a friend but when the possibility exists of going to jail and reenacting scenes from "Oz" or that painful two minute in The Shawshank Redemption, I'm probably covering my own arse. As Wyclef and Akon would say, "25 to life ain't no joke."

Let's just hope I don't ever have to testify against The Sandman. Not...that...I've....ever seen him do anything illegal before.

Random shots

• Is it me or should the Republicans on the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Oversight and Government Reform the biggest clowns of them all? Is Clemens paying these cats? They were attacking Brian McNamee while everything he said went right along the lines of Pettitte and Chaz Knoublach. McNamee's lawyer claims that even if Clemens is convicted on perjury charges, he's so close with "Dubya" that he will be pardoned anyway. I just took another step in checking the box near Obama this November.

• Congrats to the GMen for taking the Super Bowl trophy. It ranked among the 1996 World Series as moments that really sent a chill down my spine. Worst thing about the Super Bowl....watching the beer commercials that will be replayed ad nauseum for the next 8 months. Yes, the cute little Indian dude saying "Baaa Light" with dame on arm is funny. The first 23 times...maybe.

• On a similar note.....my sports withdrawal will be ending shortly. Pitchers and catchers report this week! That means another 23,000 AFLAC commercials! I'm thinking Yogi Berra can live comfortably on residuals alone.

• "I can't believe Herbie Hancock won the Grammy for album of the year," -- my quote that was met with plenty of laughs from the teenage students in my classroom earlier today. Forget about trying to go over reducing fractions at 10 bells today. Maybe I should have broken into a discussion about Dollar Dollar Bill, Y'all. Thank you, Wyclef Jean and Akon for allowing two references in one entry. (I just gained about 100 hits by putting those kids in this blog entry.....if the

• While it will be difficult to one up Jersey Girl, here's some more of Mr. Berman. The third one has more F-bombs than a NYC taxi cab driver during rush hour. And the fourth one makes me wonder if he didn't go to the Isiah Thomas School of Broadcasting. Hey Chris...harass is one word.

• Finally, a hearty congrats to The Good Professor for 10 years at Gannett's Bridgewater bureau. I'd say here's to another 10 years, but that might not be taken in a good light.

An Angry Berman

This is Casem Kasemesque.

I guess no one beats the %&*$ out of the wagons like Chris Berman.

A Giant Party

Several years ago, my family threw me a surprise party for my 30th bday (Eli Manning attended...as you can plainly see). I figured something might be in the works because all of my friends were hit with their own shindigs during the year (Except for Ralphmazz who I think turns 30 sometime in 2011).

When I opened the door to my mom's hut, I was greeted with a "SURPRISE!" which was shocking but I was blown away with who was actually there: Joe Pendleton and Mrs. Pendleton among the crowd......my roommate from freshman year....some camp people I hadn't seen in awhile.....my lost issues of Maxim that I had been searching for prior to my moving out of my mom's house.....

It wasn't so much the event occurring was but more who was there.

The New York Giants are playing in the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl happens every year.....along with a trip to Rog2k+8's to hang with some friends. That's always a good time but now I get to watch the my squad try to win a World Championship. Once again, it's not as much the event but now who is there.

That doesn't happen often. Just ask this cat.

I don't want to think of the GeeeeeeeMen as sacrificial lambs especially against a team that is nearly a two touchdown favorite. However, I have some reasons why the Giants will win the game

• Road Warriors: Yes, I'm already sick of hearing this...and it's less than 24 hours from the NFC Championship game win over the Packers. The Giants have won 10 straight on the road. While this isn't a road game, it is a game away from East Rutherford -- a place where the Giants haven't been able to grab too many wins. It may have been a jealousy factor that Gate D didn't hold as much entertainment as there was at Jets games.

• Team of destiny: After winning games as underdogs throughout the playoffs, the Giants weren't given much of a shot to get this far (that sounds alot like the expectations on me to finish cross country races in high school....amazingly I made it....so what if I couldn't move for the next 2 weeks). The Giants should be very loose for this game. This is a team that went into Green Bay and pulled out a victory in remarkably adverse weather conditions. -4 degrees? When it's 20 degrees out and snowing, the news stations tell us not to go outside because it's so cold. The guys were out there for FOUR hours and still managed a "W". I'm sure they were thrilled when they found out the game was going into OT. That's almost like hearing this at age 15, "Hey Saul.....they screwed up the circumcision when you were a newborn. Can you get on that table for a second?"




• 19-0: Do you honestly believe any team will go undefeated in the NFL? I still hold out hope. I'm also praying that Denise Richards gets lost in my complex and knocks on my door looking for a place to rest. Hopefully, Charlie Sheen won't be breaking the restraining order, waiting in the car.

• The New York Giants have NEVER lost a Super Bowl! (when they've faced AFC East teams)

• Manning factor: One Manning won it last year, so keeping it in the family is a must. Cheer up Bears fans, Ricky Manning, Jr. is up next year!

I won't go into the reasons why the Giants have no chance in this game.....but does anyone want to see the Patriots win another title? Half of these guys are already in the Hall of Fame. After 20 years, Jeff Feagles is due.

On a final note: My brother created a website for the "folically impaired." Bald people all over should check out Chrome Magazine, a site where people can share stories of losing their hair. He beat me to the punch. So plans are in the works to make a website for people who can share stories of losing their minds.

I believe that's most of us.

Welcome Home!

Occasionally, a story in the newspaper catches my eye. I subscribe to the Star Ledger and usually do a quick perusal of the news section....maybe if I was a reader of the Trentonian, I would be more entralled by the half naked playmate that occurs on a regular basis.

I know the Sandman is a big fan.

I have been following the tale about the two fugitives that escaped from a Union County jail several weeks ago. The prisoners burrowed a hole in a jail cell and covered it with bikini-clad women.

After causing the suicide of a security guard due to a ill-conceived escape note that thanked him for helping the escape, the duo was recaptured over the last few days. From what I've read about these clowns (and I'm not putting their names in this blog because with the lax security at these jails, I don't need either of these two doing a google search on their names, "Mattingly" and "Sandman" and hunting me down), this wasn't a case of wrongly-accused Andy Dufresne trying to flee Shawshank.

One of the two was housed in a basement in Elizabeth. The other went to Mexico and stayed in a "flophouse".....which, to my surprise, is not the nickname for the International House of Pancakes.

When asked about getting caught, Blunt said, "Ain't nobody was trying to get away, I could have gotten away if I wanted to."

Ummm...excuse me? You were in MEXICO. You weren't trying to get away? Last time I checked, I don't think Mexico was a right turn off of any stret in the Elmora section of Elizabeth.

Don't get me wrong...there are times I felt like I was lost in E-town and thought I was in Mexico but that wasn't the case, homey. The 7-11 on Morris Ave. still took dollars and not pesos.

Here are the reasons I might go to Mexico:

1) Vacation in Cancun or Cozamel or any other Punta de whatever resort.

2) Feed my drug habit. No mom, I don't have a drug habit.....but if I did, then I'd take the first flight to Mexico City. (I'm sure she'll still call me...worrying that I'm whacked out on crack with the Sandman)

3) Escape from the law after I burrowed a hole in a jail cell and covered it with bikini-clad women as part of my plan for freedom.

I'm sure these guys will get off easy.

Hope you enjoyed that trip to McDonald's gentlemen. You won't be there again for awhile.

On a final note, I was sad to hear of Sir Edmund Hillary's (1919-2008) passing. We will never forget the legacy he left for all of those who truly appreciate everything in the world. And I'll never forget the first time I heard about Hillary's Comet. I was in elementary school at the time....I think it was 1986....it happens only like every 80 years or something....

Wait a minute....I think that's the wrong guy.

Never mind.

Happy Holidays

Every year my mother gets a XMas card from an old friend that includes not only the card but also a HUGE 2 page letter that's written in what looks like 6 point font that wraps up EVERYTHING that individual has done the past year. Here's an example of what it includes:


February 27 -- Had a really great day. Woke up. Went to the bathroom. Got out of bed.



March 10 -- Drove to North Jersey to visit my grandkids. Boy how they've grown. I played peek-a-boo with them. They laughed. I laughed. Then we ate lunch. They are so cute. Blah blah blah obvious crap.....blah blah blah....more obvious crap.

June 2 -- Took a breath today. Really enjoyed the oxygen that I breathed in. Plus, I think I emitted some quality carbon dioxide for the trees around me. My how nature is so beautiful.

Is this a normal thing? Maybe a few lines of what's gone on could be more effective. Maybe answer the following questions:





-- Did anyone die?


-- Was anyone born?


-- Did anyone get married?





and then move on with "Love, Your name"





Fortunately, I won't bore you with a letter and waste paper. Instead, I will waste internet space. As I complete my final blog for the 2007 year, I think back to all of the great and not so great things that I've done over the past 12 months. My Top 7 (because I was too lazy to come up with 10.....and I figure I'm going to get a "Joker....you forgot to name an event" from my mother).....in no particular order:

-- Graduated from Kean with my Masters degree. You know what this means? Now I get a "Dr." in front of my name. That's right....I'm not sure if you knew this but my real name is Feelgood Joker. The secret is out people.

-- Broke a 25 year dry spell and ventured to Disney World with E. It was one of the best trips I have ever been on. Unless you count the time I went to Disney World when I was 5. My family did go on that trip but the fact it involved no Epcot or alcohol gives the 2007 trip the edge.

-- Received my first iPod from E. Nice job by my brother passing along this tip: To get songs for your ipod, go to the local library and borrow some CDs. I was shocked at the titles they had when I walked into my local biblioteca for the first time since I had to do that 3rd grade shoebox report on the state of New Jersey. It was exciting. Trust me.








-- Purchased a Honda Civic this week (and no, it's not the same as the picture....but this is my blog so piss off). The car is blue and works. Two key things I wanted in a car purchase. This is certain to bolster my status as a chick magnet. I may have to change my name to McLovin', Jr.



-- Jumped on the Munchmobile for a seafood ride. Then I was told to get off. The police were involved....it was a mess. But the scallops were damn good!

-- Watched the last episode of the Sopranos. I think after 8 months I finally have come to this conclusion about the ending.





-- Last but not least.....I was able to help plan and contribute to a pancreatic cancer fund raiser this past October. Thanks for all who donated and attended. I can't wait until next year's bigger and better Picnic for Pancan!


That brings me to my final point....





My mother sent me a link about Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Melon University. Dr. Pausch is dying of pancreatic cancer (the same thing my father had). He gave a lecture at CMU that pretty much summed up his life and discussed key life lessons he wanted to pass along to his three young children.



THIS is a true hero. Check out the Lecture of a Lifetime. I watch this video and think about all of the things that life has to offer. I don't want to get sentimental here but watching Dr. Pausch remain positive even in the most dire circumstances is something to admire.




Someone once said, "Everyday is a gift from God." Dr. Pausch is truly living this for as long as he has left.

Enjoy your new year and may all of you have an even better 2008.

Open Letter to Greg Schiano

Dear Greg (can I call you Greg? I mean, you ARE big time. You're more popular in this state than the governor, both of the state's NFL starting quarterbacks...which might not be saying much, and even Joe Pesci but you still have a ways to go before getting past Jon Bongiovi and Bruce...and I'm not talking about Bruce Hornsby),

First of all, I apologize for calling for your head during your dismal first three seasons. Part of it was almost second nature for a young Rutgers fan. It used to be a coaching cycle that went like this:

Step A. Hire New Coach.

Step B. Watch new coach get one star recruit, prompting excitement from hundreds of Rutgers fans all over the country. (Or maybe I meant "hundred")

Step C. Watch newspapers quote players stating the following "It definitely feels different in a good way", "I think this is the year for a bowl", "Our guys are practicing better and there's a better feeling here now", "He's the right man for the job"...blah blah blah)

Step D. Watch star recruit transfer/flunk out of college/flunk out of prep school/flunk out of high school/get into trouble with law/suffer car accident/transfer to legit school with more than 20,000 fans a game/fail to gain Visa to get into country.

Step E. Watch recruiting classes rival that of Buffalo, Central Florida, Apex Tech and Bergen Catholic (ok...maybe they weren't THAT good)

Step F. Fire coach. Go to Step A.

Football, basketball...didn't matter. The steps were the same for arguably the worst program in Division I-A football, which is now known as the FBCBS League or something....I think CBS is paying the NCAA to get those letters in...anything to add to the bowl revenue that makes a mockery of the national championship hunt.

But you proved me wrong. Who cares if you won 11 games in 2006? Just getting OVER .500 was an achievement. Nice job. Even I've criticized you for not winning many great games in your tenure. I have thought about it since then....who would be better for this job? Who can galvanize the state like you have? This was a job NO one wanted. The kid who bounced from foster home to foster home. The doll with one eye. The black and white television set. The car with 250,000 miles on it (which reminds me....does anyone know where I can get a good deal on a Honda Accord?)

Today, you turned down a chance to hang out with Reako and take over one of the more prestigious jobs in the country. (Prestigious....not the oldest jobs....we all know that's the one in Piscataway....which was known as "Piss-cataway" before 2004).

Shocking. But it shows you have some character. Had you left, the state would have been devastated. And it's not just Rutgers people who have jumped on the bandwagon. I've even seen some Seton Hall fans tell me they're into the Scarlet Knights. Seton Hall fans cheering for Rutgers? Almost seems like vegetarians sponsoring the Nathan's Hot Dog Competition.

"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria."

- Bill Murray as Dr. Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters (1984).

Will you bolt as soon as Joe Paterno drops dead during a 30-6 loss to Ohio State in a few years? Many say you will. But I'd like you to prove me wrong again. Just like I was proven wrong when I turned down a Ken Griffey Upper Deck rookie card for $3 back in 1989 (it eventually jumped to $50 and woul dhave been a better investment than that Jerome Williams rookie card that I spent $20 on). OR just like when I said no to that lifetime supply of Propecia as a contestant on Deal or No Deal (yeah, that was a dream....but it felt real at the time).

Thanks for staying at Rutgers. Thanks for giving us something to look forward to when our baseball teams choke in October or November.

Now can you please beat West Virginia?

Once?

I know, I know....beggars can't be choosers.

Best wishes and happy holidays,

The Joker

Oy-siah

Ok, I admit it. I was rooting against the New York Knicks last night.

I joined all 5 other New Jersey Nets fans in this country, hoping the Knicks would fall against the Milwaukee Bucks Friday night. It obviously wasn't to get a beter draft pick....I'm sure the Knicks will give that away for some journeyman guard. But I still was praying....hoping that a loss might be the straw that breaks the camels back. Or in this case, the Isiah's back.





Would that be the loss that finally caused the KING of Clowns in a Suit (thank you Localshill) to get his walking papers? Or would James Dolan see beyond the losses and circus atmosphere and continue to give this man a job? We've lost games, we've lost hair (a LOT of it), we've lost the good professor as a fan, we've lost our minds....what else can we lose before a change is made?




The amazing thing is.....I have a feeling some foolish NBA owner will give him another head coaching job at some point in the future. So what that Tim Donaghy has more credibility in the league than Thomas?



I've learned that teams during downswings tend to not include that as part of their history. If you look here, the seasons after 2001 aren't even listed. Did the Knicks stop playing after 9/11? Maybe the topics for each era (or error) after '01 can be listed like this.






2001-2002: Giving Nets a Boost in NYC Area. 2002-03: We Actually Miss Ewing. 2004: The Brown Year (and we don't mean "Yellow in the front; Brown in the Back" years...or maybe we do). 2005-07: Katrina only the 2nd biggest disaster in the U.S.



I thought about what would happen to other professionals who performed about as well as Isiah Thomas, a 39-59 record (39.7 winning %) in two seasons as head coach and many more losses as GM, at their respective jobs:



Cleaning lady: What if my cleaning lady only showed up 40 % of the time? Could you imagine the stench from the Sandman's bathroom? The Health Department would be called in to evacuate a 10 block radius around my complex. I'd be lying on the streets, begging for food and clothes. "Yes, a 2001 Knicks NBA Champions t-shirt! Thank you Dollar Store!"








Rutgers coach: Actually, prior to the Schiano era, winning 40 % of games might have gotten you a long extension and maybe a stadium named after you. Maybe this is a bad example.

















President of the U.S. -- uh....another bad example.




Quick flicks

• Does anyone care about boxing anymore? After the De la Hoya fight a few months back, it seems like the sport just took a leap off of a cliff and plummeted to its death alongside Tom Glavine's career, the Betamax player, and Eric Mangini's chances of scoring another cameo in the Sopranos movie. The sport is clouded by crooked promoters and there are about 50 current "champions" (I think I ran into one while buying drill bits at ACE Hardware yesterday). Hmmm....almost sounds like the state of New Jersey high school football.

• Rutgers fans are upset over a 7-5 season. I realize expectations were lofty but can we remember where this program was a few years ago? I'll never forget that 0-11 season my senior year....those were the years I was BEGGING to trade places with Syracuse. Not so much anymore.
  
  
  
• Eli Manning was and never will be a big time quarterback. With that stated, there is a chance the Giants will have a chance of winning a Super Bowl....not this season but in the future.....if they work on making the defense the best unit in football. The Baltimore Ravens set a blueprint by winning a title with Trent Dilfer, but the Giants are more likely to make too many draft day mistakes to put 11 outstanding defensive players on the field.

• Only 11 months until the Presidential Election! Will this woman win? I would think not.

The Name Game

Is it me or are there a growing number of football players with unusual names? My mother always told us that she gave all of her kids short names in case we were slow and couldn't spell them.

She may have been right on one account.

But the names of some of these athletes have me scratching my head. Boys named after horses? Who names a kid "Colt"? JaMarcus? Does this border on child abuse?

First I saw Colt Brennan at Texas and then Colt David pops up at LSU.

(Note: I checked the Mississippi State roster and there is no Feline Louis or Canine Williams listed)

There is a BenJarvus, a LaDerrick AND a Sen'Derrick (because Derrick just wasn't good enough), an Eryk (you think he got irritated when he saw cups with the names "Erik" and "Eric" at the local Great Adventure?), a Quindarius, a T-Bob (the son of former Saints QB Bobby Hebert...what the hell was HE thinking? maybe it was all the blows to the head while playing for that awful franchise).

Don't get me wrong....I'm sure these are all terrifc gentlemen....after all, I don't want Shukree coming to find me and drop me like it's hot or anything....

Maybe the government needs to declare some type of Martial Law and take over the naming of all kids South of the Mason-Dixon line.

Because we DEFINITELY don't want to commit abuse like this.

Poor guy.

There's Only One October...

"Do you REALLY think the Yankees are going to make the playoffs?"

-- Local Shill prior to a spring softball tilt when the Yankees were 14 games out

"Yes."

-- My response

"Cat, you're crazy."

-- Local shill

How much did it suck to be a Mets/Rutgers/Jets fan this past weekend?

I hope Local Shill is doing OK.....I didn't have a chance to check in with him or many other Mess fans to see if they jumped off a cliff after the debacle that was the month of September. While I have received numerous emails/texts from Mess fans after the Yanks have lost in the playoffs (Keywords: "In the playoffs"), I opted to use some restraint. I had the picture of ARod with a pocketbook sent to me by many...including one Sandman, who was seen purchasing Prozac and various other "medications" after a certain Hall of Famer let his squad down.

Maybe he's still on the Braves payroll.

As I was watching the Phillies eliminate our friends from Flushing, this popped on the TV. I couldn't believe they aired Dane Cook playing up the Mess playoff appearance.

I understand how much it hurts and what it feels like to have other people (especially Yankees fans) dwelling on this....but if you're going to dish it out, then you have to be willing to take it. Those days after Boston rallied back from an 0-3 hole were dreadful. I know the "What number is Babe Ruth" comment is coming from Joe Pendleton.

Cheer up though....only 5 months till pitchers and catchers report!

Moving on from that train wreck (why don't they just rename CitiField, Brittany Spears Park?)

It came as a surprise to many that Rutgers wasn't able to knock off Maryland. Well, anyone who takes a look at this defense realizes that this isn't the same unit as a year ago. Plus, Brian Leonard's absence seems to have left some question marks with leadership. The Scarlet Knights didn't show as much energy as I saw in the win against Louisville last season.

Everyone is crazy about Greg Schiano, and I don't want to start second-guessing the guy...especially when no Rutgers coach has been able to do what he's been able to do on the job. But he has more bad losses in his tenure (even over the past 3-4 years) than he has victories. This was just more of the same.

Here's a quick overview....I didn't go back to 2004 because that loss to New Hampshire cancels out any argument someone could have with the with against Michigan State.

Great/good wins...Louisville (2006).....the greatest win in Rutgers history...28-25. Fans storm the field and people actually aren't embarassed asking for the red Rutgers Football shirt anymore.

Ruggers sokkah? That's a different story. Why is the man to the right smiling? Could it be the 3-6-1 record and 7th place record in the 8-team Big East Red Division? I love how the history section of the boys soccer page ends at 1997. Have they played any games since I graduated?

Two trips past the first round of the NCAAs in 10 years isn't acceptable.

As for football, that's pretty much it. There hasn't been another game all season that Rutgers won that they shouldn't have won. Yes, there have been close calls (WVU and Arizona State), but a loss is stil a loss.

Bad losses

2005--33-30 OT loss to Illinois. The opener on national TV turns into a stenchfest when Elizabeth product E.B. Halsey sends the game into overtime with a late TD reception and rally from a 20 point deficit.

2006--Following a win against Louisville, the Scarlet Knight end an undefeated season and national championship talk with a 30-11 loss in a huge letdown game. I'm just thankful TE Brett Celek won't be playing in this weekend's affair.

2007--A 16.5 pt favorite to Maryland turns into a 34-24 loss. What could have been worse? It's an ACC school and we all know what we think of that conference.

You can't lose to Cincinnati for the 2nd straight year this weekend. If Rutgers can hold onto the ball, it should be able to pull out the victory.

Now, it's on to the first round for the Yanks. There have been plenty of debates on the radio and TV regarding what would be the reaction like if ARod goes 0-for-4 in the first game against the Indians tonight. Despite an MVP season, ARod is still under plenty of pressure to get the job done....and that starts with game 1. That's definitely going to be a harbinger for the rest of the series.

World Series Pick: Yankees vs. Rockies (can anyone stop Colorado at this point?)

Back...but not really

I feel like it's been awhile since I've posted on here. Well, it will be a little longer until I post something noteworthy....come to think of it, I don't think I have ever posted anything noteworthy on here....but that's another issue.

It was an eventful summer. Took my first trip to Walt Disney's place in 25 years. I was impressed...but since I'm impressed by a dog dropping a batch, that isn't saying much.

Some quick highlights:

• While I was there with E, we managed to find this restaurant called Seasons52. One of the best restaurants I have ever visited. Each dish has under 475 calories and the prices were reasonable. It's too bad they only have franchises in Georgia and Florida though. I am considering driving down there just for some Black Ponzu Cod.

• Caught a showing of Cirque du Soleil. Thinking it was a glorified high school gymnastics competition, I wasn't expecting much from this show. It was well worth the price of admissions (especially when E paid for the tickets). Recommended for anyone traveling to the Orlando area.

• Best park was Epcot (although MGM was a close second). They have a World Showcase with about 10 countries surrounding this huge pond. The coolest thing was the people who worked in each "county" were actually from that country. Unless their nametags were lying to us. I don't think Walter D's ancestors would do that to us.

Would he?

First day back to work tomorrow. Is it June yet?

Lastly, the cancer advocacy organzation for which I volunteer is having a BBQ on October 14th. More info to come....but clear those schedules, please!

RU Screw

When I went to Rutgers, it seemed as though nothing could go right. A winning streak would turn into an even longer losing streak. A top 100 recruit wouldn't A) qualify, B) sign the committment, C) be able to get a Visa from his country of origin.

It was always something.

Now, it seems as though Rutgers can do no wrong.

Until now. Turns out there's a fan who wants to visit each Division I-A football stadium....all 119 of them (now 120 with Western Ky joining the fray....can't trust a school with "KY" in the name). Of course when he shows up at State U, they manage to screw it up....check out the blog.

THAT'S the Rutgers I used to know and love. Welcome back. If I didn't know better, you'd almost think a troll with glasses was the representative from sports information.

"Check ya notes."

Breakfast, Munch, and Dinner

By no means am I a food connoisseur. I've made more trips to Wendy's in my lifetime than most adults my age (except maybe The Sandman....he's such a good customer that I think they offer him delivery service at no additional charge). But when I saw the opportunity to jump onboard the Munchmobile, I had to take advantage....purely for shtick purposes. (I do have to apologize as I have misplaced my digital camera and don't have pics to put up.....yet)

About 3 months ago, I saw an article by Pete Genovese requesting applications for a spot to "Get on DA van." (those Rutgers media giants in the late 90s would understand that reference from a rolly-polly incompetent clown who used to say "Check ya notes")

I sent in an email and several weeks later received a reply that I had made the cut. I was a muncher. Nearly 13 years after my name initially appeared in the paper courtesy of a 6-0, 6-1 1st doubles victory over then-winless Bound Brook, I was set to have my mug in the state's largest paper again.

The "munchers" were notified via email about 18 hours prior to the outing where we needed to meet. As I parked in the fenced in lot, several things raced through my head:

• How would people react to a 10-seat van with a large hot dog rolling by them?











• How much food could I consume in a 12-hour period?











• Did I leave the iron on?

We were not told where we were going or how long our trip would take. I admit, there was some apprehension that Mr. Genovese would be bringing us all to the Nike factory to make shoes for 12 cents an hour. Those fears were quelled when we went to the first stop: Caldwell Seafood.

We were allowed to order anything on the menu (as long as it was seafood). All food would be shared by each "muncher," and we had to wait for the photographer to take pictures before consumption. It sounded a lot like the ground rules set by Loshin Photography and the Clinton Manor at my bar mitzvah.

On a side note, I think we're still waiting for the photo album from that event.

Much like all of the places on our journey across about 8 counties, Caldwell Seafood had some of the best fish that I have consumed in my lifetime. Then again, the salmon roll at Stop 'N Shop probably shouldn't be used as a valid comparison.

I really enjoyed the garlic shrimp. Shrimp is a favorite of mine (not just because I am 5-foot-6.....5-foot-10 in heels) and the meal was coated with just enough garlic. The calamari balsamico wasn't as spicy as I feared it might be and that suited me perfectly. If I visited the establishment again, these would definitely be atop my list of things to order. The clam chowder soups were rather bland and the least tasty of anything on the trip. However, I was in the minority and enjoyed the lobster bisque, which had large chunks of lobster mixed into the soup. The cajun grilled scallops were also not too spicy and a side of sauteed spinach was a pleasant addition to the dish.

Instead of wolfing down everything, I saved a little room for our next stop. Out to Flemington (God's Country as Mr. Frezza would say) and the Blue Fish Grill. By far the most inexpensive stop on our trek, BFG had butterfly shrimp that was unspectacular. Normally, I would finish off any remaining shrimp, but there were still some left when the food was deposited into the garbage....along with my retainer. I keeeed, I keeeed. Initially, I though the idea behind the the fish tacos was innovative, but they were a little too spicy and I didn't like the avocado dip that accompanied it. The New England lobster roll was very tasty and the yellow fin tuna was a very good value and just tender enough. This coming from someone who usually avoids tuna like the plague. The chips that came with the sandwiches lacked flavor. Last but not least, the talapia was grilled and you could tell by the taste. I enjoyed that dish.

Then came the LONG trek down the shore. For a while, it seemed as though the Munchmobile van would be my new permanent mailing address. After what seemed like 3 hours of driving (the Parkway wasn't even touched once), we ended up at M & M Steam Bar in Beach Haven (or better known as Long Beach Island). Similar to the fish markets seen in Seattle, M & M featured an open-air setting with fresh lobsters greeting you in several tanks near the entrance. This was the first place were adults would stand by the van and take pictures alongside their kids. We were Food Superstars. OK...maybe not. On to the review.

The soups were phenomenal, particularly both clam chowders. I disliked the spicy swordfish, I needed plenty of water to soothe my tongue. My favorite dish was the king crab legs, which had the perfect amount of seasoning. Raw clams and oysters were ordered but I stayed away from them much like baseball's elite players do the same with the Kansas City Royals. No shrimp was ordered. Yes, I made a mistake.

Finally, we went north (using the Parkway) and stopped near the Holmdel exit. I thought were were going to see Barnes and Barnes at PNC Arts Center. Barnes and Barnes, of course, authored the classic tune "Fish Heads" -- a song that the children of Joe Pendleton enjoy thoroughly.

Instead, we were taken to The Pirate's Cove Restaurant on the Bay. Despite no appearance from Johnny Depp and friends, the Pirates Cove was my favorite stop of the day. It had a very intimate setting along Belford Bay. The seared scallops, which were complemented beautifully with mushrooms, were out of this world. The soups were good but the lobster bisque was topped with lobster that didn't seem like was part of the soup. Although it seemed a tad pricy at $25, the stuffed shrimp was delicious and my favorite of the main entrees. The rice that came with it was the best of any place on the trip with a great mix of onions and flavor. The lobster didn't impress and was rather plain. We were also greeted with a fantastic array of desserts that capped off one of the more entertaining days of the year.

By the end of the trip, it was midnight and there's nothing like driving through Newark (where there were still dozens of people roaming the streets despite being the middle of the night). At one point, I think I had a yellow stream running down my leg.

Maybe it's a good thing I lost my camera.

While it's not a beer count....I managed to share about 36 HUGE servings of seafood, make 5 trips to the bathroom for "Ogre"-like urinations, travel about 150 miles (conservative estimate), digest about 30 shrimp (or as my students say, "shrimps"), and spend 14 hours "working" for the state's largest newspaper.

Wanted: Honest Politicians

Are there any good-hearted politicians out there?

Prior to my matriculation at Rutgers, I was passionate about politics. Midway through my college career (and just 6 months prior to meeting Joe Pendleton, Jersey Girl, and Dr. Carino), I had the opportunity to attend the Republican Convention in San Diego. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. At the time, I was a staunch Republican (4 years in education has changed many of my views on certain issues).

Bob Dole, who had about as much of a chance of winning the presidency as I have of claiming a LeBron James Look Alike title, was the party nominee. But I was more into all of the shtick surrounding the festivities.

I had pictures/video taken with Newt Gingrich, who had about as many backers as Barry Bonds has currently, former SNLer Al Franken, and Steve Forbes.....a man whose ATM Pin number I would like to have in my possession (or even 0.000000000001 % of his checking account). On another note, I also met Jim Brown at the San Diego Zoo...and yes, he was wearing his little skull cap. He did not ask me if I knew of any available acting gigs.

The highlight of the trip was a 1 minute meeting with my childhood idol (no, not Pee Wee Herman.....although my mother might think differently) Dana Carvey. Carvey, who had his H. Ross Perot getup working, was strolling behind the media section when I strolled up to him and fired out my own Perot voice. It was my comedic peak.....it's been all downhill from there. So much for being Comedy's Crown Jew.

Once I became a junior, my interest in politics started to wane. One of the big reasons was corruption. How was I expected to try to enter this world when it was filled with nothing but scumbags? Granted there are some honest politicians and our system might be the best in the world, but issues don't seem to carry much weight. Money talks and the media can make or break a politician's career. Just ask Howard Dean. His howl heard 'round the world (or at least around Nebraska....and South Dakota.....and New Jersey......and Texas) following the 2004 Iowa Caucuses killed his chance for the top office in the world.

This week, a story hit that reminded me of why I didn't go into politics. Former Mayor Sharpe James was hit with indictments including various forms of federal corruption. After stories leaked of stolen computers when he lost his election to Cory Booker, it didn't take a brain surgeon to figure out this guy was doing some shady stuff in office.

So, Sharpe posted $250,000 bail yesterday and instead of just laying low, he decided to drum up his own P.R. campaign as mentioned in this tale.

My favorite part.....One day after being accused of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from the city and state, the former mayor was stopped on public transportation....

Hours after he posted $250,000 bail, James was seen Thursday night riding an NJ Transit bus along Elizabeth Avenue, greeting fellow passengers and complaining about how he was treated during his arrest. A fellow passenger paid James' fare -- James promised to pay him back.

You must be kidding me. The guy has a better chance of getting $1.20 from Lady Bird Johnson than seeing that fare returned to him.

Two weeks till the Munchmobile. Man, the summer is flying by.....

My Favorite Teams

People always seem to have their differences.

I always wonder why some individuals can not get along with others when it comes to certain topics. No, I'm not talking about the War in Iraq or abortion....I'm talking about PRACTICE! (always wanted to say that)

Why do some people like some teams while others prefer their rivals?

For some, favorite teams are passed down the family tree. Maybe your grandfather was a Brooklyn Dodger fan and the trend carried down to you. For me, it all revolved around cable television. My father preferred the Yankees but didn't hold a strong allegiance to them or the
Muts. While he did take my brother and I to a game every now and then, most of my exposure to the greatest franchise in professional sports (I know that pissed off some loyal readers) came via television.

In the 1980s, the NY(A) was the only baseball team on basic cable 162 times a year. If I couldn't catch the Scooter on WPIX waxing poetic about cannolis, I could always see Al Trautwig and friends on MSG. BTW, anyone seen Al Trautwig recently? I think he's with Russ Salzberg in the witness protection program or something. Since we didn't have Sportschannel because the bill was too high with Showtime, Playboy Channel, and basic cable, I found idols in Don Mattingly, Alvaro Espinoza, and Andy Hawkins.

Well, 1 of 3 ain't bad.

The same thing is true for my favorite NBA team (the Knicks). Always on MSG....Nets were always on Sportschannel with the Muts and the Devils. Despite the laughable job the current coach/GM is doing to the franchise, I've remained loyal to the team.

Lastly, the Giants became my favorite NFL team because they were the dominant football team when I was a kid. Everyone loved the passion LT had on the field when he was pounding quarterbacks (but not necessarily off the field when he was pounding lines of coke).

Some observations from the Yankees/Mets series:

• Jose Reyes is the most dangerous lead-off hitter in baseball. If you walk the guy, it's almost like you're conceding a run. The guy gets to 2nd base faster than Mike Nifong heads to the post office to apply for the South Carolina bar exam.


• The Muts starting pitching isn't on the right track. I don't know if El Duque or even Tom Glavine sends shivers into any opponent's lineup. Yes, the Yankees don't have a Cy Young candidate, but they're finally getting healthy and pitching strong enough to win game. Unless Pedro comes back at 85 % of what he was, NY(N) is going to go only as far as its offense can carry it. The Muts have an ERA over 8.00 over the past 8 games. Fortunately for the Muts, the NL is a joke (see 90-77 advantage for the AL this season) and that bodes well for their postseason hopes.


• Bobby Abreu is playing to his potential. I thought the New York spotlight might have been too much for Abreu, but he's hitting .400 with 12 RBI for the past 2 weeks.

Well, I wanted to boost my comment count....I'm sure this blog will definitely help.