Open Letter to Greg Schiano

Dear Greg (can I call you Greg? I mean, you ARE big time. You're more popular in this state than the governor, both of the state's NFL starting quarterbacks...which might not be saying much, and even Joe Pesci but you still have a ways to go before getting past Jon Bongiovi and Bruce...and I'm not talking about Bruce Hornsby),

First of all, I apologize for calling for your head during your dismal first three seasons. Part of it was almost second nature for a young Rutgers fan. It used to be a coaching cycle that went like this:

Step A. Hire New Coach.

Step B. Watch new coach get one star recruit, prompting excitement from hundreds of Rutgers fans all over the country. (Or maybe I meant "hundred")

Step C. Watch newspapers quote players stating the following "It definitely feels different in a good way", "I think this is the year for a bowl", "Our guys are practicing better and there's a better feeling here now", "He's the right man for the job"...blah blah blah)

Step D. Watch star recruit transfer/flunk out of college/flunk out of prep school/flunk out of high school/get into trouble with law/suffer car accident/transfer to legit school with more than 20,000 fans a game/fail to gain Visa to get into country.

Step E. Watch recruiting classes rival that of Buffalo, Central Florida, Apex Tech and Bergen Catholic (ok...maybe they weren't THAT good)

Step F. Fire coach. Go to Step A.

Football, basketball...didn't matter. The steps were the same for arguably the worst program in Division I-A football, which is now known as the FBCBS League or something....I think CBS is paying the NCAA to get those letters in...anything to add to the bowl revenue that makes a mockery of the national championship hunt.

But you proved me wrong. Who cares if you won 11 games in 2006? Just getting OVER .500 was an achievement. Nice job. Even I've criticized you for not winning many great games in your tenure. I have thought about it since then....who would be better for this job? Who can galvanize the state like you have? This was a job NO one wanted. The kid who bounced from foster home to foster home. The doll with one eye. The black and white television set. The car with 250,000 miles on it (which reminds me....does anyone know where I can get a good deal on a Honda Accord?)

Today, you turned down a chance to hang out with Reako and take over one of the more prestigious jobs in the country. (Prestigious....not the oldest jobs....we all know that's the one in Piscataway....which was known as "Piss-cataway" before 2004).

Shocking. But it shows you have some character. Had you left, the state would have been devastated. And it's not just Rutgers people who have jumped on the bandwagon. I've even seen some Seton Hall fans tell me they're into the Scarlet Knights. Seton Hall fans cheering for Rutgers? Almost seems like vegetarians sponsoring the Nathan's Hot Dog Competition.

"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria."

- Bill Murray as Dr. Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters (1984).

Will you bolt as soon as Joe Paterno drops dead during a 30-6 loss to Ohio State in a few years? Many say you will. But I'd like you to prove me wrong again. Just like I was proven wrong when I turned down a Ken Griffey Upper Deck rookie card for $3 back in 1989 (it eventually jumped to $50 and woul dhave been a better investment than that Jerome Williams rookie card that I spent $20 on). OR just like when I said no to that lifetime supply of Propecia as a contestant on Deal or No Deal (yeah, that was a dream....but it felt real at the time).

Thanks for staying at Rutgers. Thanks for giving us something to look forward to when our baseball teams choke in October or November.

Now can you please beat West Virginia?

Once?

I know, I know....beggars can't be choosers.

Best wishes and happy holidays,

The Joker