Mogwai and Motorola

My brother is big into thinking up new inventions. I think he may have tried to patent a few of them...the Amazing Shammy and the smokeless ashtray (with apologies to the late Hoyt Axton's character Randall Peltzer of Gremlins fame) not among them. On a side note, I did always want my own Mogwai but I guess my mom knew of my inability to keep a fish alive for more than 3 weeks and didn't want our town to go the way of Kingston Falls.

What about getting back at the criminals? Screw the scumbag who tries to swipe my hot ride.

Someone needs to invent a device that triggers an electric shock when your car is stolen. Granted there are probably plenty of legalities to overcome to get such a mechanism in your automobile, like the "rights" of the thief trying to steal your car.....The "Stealer Shocker"

Maybe it could be a smaller shock.....a few steps up from the feeling received while watching one of those 3-D productions at Disney like Honey, I Shrunk the Audience. And if you're going to Disney and I ruined the surprise for you, well...then let me add to the anger.....Dumbledore is dead and the chick in The Crying Game is really a dude. Piss off.

At the start of the month, New Jersey started enforcing a new ban on cell phones. Drivers must use hands-free devices or they may be given a $100 ticket. More money for the PBA ball! One report shows that reading while driving is a bigger distraction. Nothing like the morning paper to go with a glass of gridlock.

However, I disagree with both assessments.

My vote might go to the more dangerous, "trying to plug in the headset and dialing the phone while driving." I realize there are cars with the option of having a built-in bluetooth (this was not an option in my "hot ride", pictured above). I'm sorry.....I'm still living in the 2005s....yes, I still own a VCR.....I still dial the phone manually and figure out how to plug in the headset, trying to find a tiny hole that's more difficult to find that Bin Laden.

Yes, I could have taken the low road there.....but I didn't.

Other considerations:

• Eating those irresistible fries in the adjacent bag from McDonalds




• Digging in the bottom of the bag for those extra loose fries from McDonalds




• Realizing that you've dropped fries on the car mat and reach for the loose food product, dislocating your arm in the process




• Seizures resulting from the 30,000th replay of Sean Kingston's "Take Your There"




• Ridiculous potholes from the wintry weather, making the roads of Union County seem like that of downtown Bahgdad.




• Moron rubbernecks who turn to stare at an accident and slow down traffic even more than has been already done (this would also automatically trigger a jolt from the "Stealer Shocker")

Tough week for Patrick Swayze. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the same illness that ended my father's life nearly 6 years ago. The major hurdle with pancreatic cancer is the fact there is no early detection method. By the time it's found, it's usually already too late. Please mark October 5th on your calendars....that's the 2nd Annual Picnic for Pancan in Clark, N.J. to help raise money to education and fund pancreatic cancer research. I hope the best for Patrick and he recovers from this....even with the difficult odds to overcome.

And for the Sandman, line of the night on American Idol....after Danny Noriega was voted off....Ryan Seacrest handed him the mic and told him, "Eat it up Danny."

I'm sure he will.