I fell asleep while watching Tuesday night/Wednesday morning’s Mets tilt on that new SportsNet NY channel. When I turned on the TV the following afternoon, I saw the SNY Sportsnite program and opted to give it a try. The anchor was a guy named David Lee, who reminded me of the fat dude from that Bebe’s Kids movie.

As I watched, there was an interview with new Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer. Who was doling out the questions? None other than former Rutgers quarterback Ray Lucas. Notice I didn’t say STAR quarterback Ray Lucas. Four seasons with no bowl contests will do that to you.

Here was his interviewing style, “Yo, so you’re comin’ in here. Schottenheimer….a pretty well known name. What’s up?” That was the only question they aired. I have no idea if he gave him a high-five prior to that or told him how much of a fan he was of his work.

Don’t get me wrong, it was good to see Lucas make it to the NFL, but when I heard Lucas broadcast a Rutgers/Vanderbilt football two years ago, I almost got sick.

Rutgers rallied for a miraculous 37-34 victory at Vanderbilt. Yes, VANDERBILT. Not exactly the pinnacle of college football (then again, neither is Rutgers). While on the air, Lucas proceeded to scream and yell during the final moments. I understand he is a former player but screaming over the final call….that’s a BIG no-no in broadcasting.

Now the SNY channel gets to enjoy his professionalism.

RUMOR OF THE DAY: Looks like Joe Pendleton has been meddling in Hilary Swank's personal life. One week after their encounter, the best actress Oscar winner has decided to end her relationship with Chad Lowe. I wonder if Mrs. Pendleton is getting curious about his evenings away from home......even on off nights. Curiously.....he didn't show up for softball on Sunday. Hmmm......

My Coke Rewards.....up to 143 points. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

It wasn't the most joyful of weekends. After feeling a little weakened Friday, I got pounded with a cold that relegated me to my bed for much of the weekend. Well, maybe I shouldn't say "bed." I mean, does a mattress on the floor really constitute a "bed?" Maybe I should just call it a sleeping area.

I believe this it where I digress and go off on a "pizza store" tangent.

I tried to attend my friend Rory's 30th birthday party (I think it was 30th surprise party number 11 that I've attended) and lasted about 2 hours before I felt like I was going to need a stretcher to carry me out of the house. After going through 1.5 boxes of tissues, several tablets of Allegra-D, sudafed, and some sort of fish tranquilizer, I still felt like crap. It could have been worse....at least I didn't have a pool cue stuck up my ass.

HEY NOW!

On a similar subject, it looks like Jimmy is writing a book! For years, I had heard rumors about the fine governor sleeping around with other men (even politicians)....but I always thought it was a joke. Looks like the man was finding pleasures in houses, bars and even at rest stops.

Makes me think twice about trying that fixins bar at the Roy Rogers on the Turnpike from now on.

I think the classic line from the story linked above is this...

"The book already can be ordered on Amazon.com, which is packaging it with the gay cowboy film "Brokeback Mountain."

One missed out on an Oscar, while the other dabbled with Golan's Globes.

And here's another excerpt...

"He writes at length about a relationship with a woman he met at Catholic University. Later, when McGreevey went to Harvard for a graduate degree in education in 1981, he reconnected with her. McGreevey doesn't name the woman, referring to her by the pseudonym "Laura."
She would serve as a date for him -- his "beard" -- when needed."

All of a sudden, I am having second thoughts about Joe Pendleton's Playoff "beard."

The My Coke Rewards is up to 114 points. I think I have 3 weeks left....

Good to see Prince is making the news again. But how does one even get nominated for "sexiest vegetarian"? There are TONS of candidates to choose from. Melissa Rivers....Ed Begley, Jr., Ed Asner, James Cromwell.

OK...so maybe Prince isn't such a bad option after all. The weird thing is I always thought Prince was a meat eater.

Just under a week until Memorial Day and unofficial start of summer! You know what that means? That's right....the return of Sandman's entire extended family to my complex to enjoy our pool!

Gosh, I love the summer.

There is one more week of American Idol left. And as much as I’d hate to admit it, I have become a fan of this show. I know….I know....I’ll be handing in my heterosexual card at the next checkpoint.

I didn’t watch the first few seasons, but then one of my coworkers tried out for the program and instantly I was hooked on it like Whitney Houston on crack (And yes, I've marked out my face in case any of my youngsters happen to be surfing on here....).

The show is only REALLY good during the first month or so. That's when some of the most horrendous performers try to convince the three judges, Mo, Larry and Schillina, that they are among the BEST in the country. Some of these clowns really think they can sing and start weeping endlessly while firing profanities at the camera. People who are disasters makes for great television.

Personally, I don’t care who wins….Taylor or Kat. I was kind of ticked off when "rocker" Chris Daughtry was tossed a few shows back. That seemed to be the consensus of every tough guy who watched the show or was forced to watch the show due to a girlfriend or wife who was hooked onto the program and had control over the remotes on Tuesday or Wednesday nights. A common line thrown out on radio talk shows: "Now I have no reason to watch the show!" What about waiting for another exciting episode of Unan1mous? Don't even get me started on that crap.

Maybe I’m leaning a little more towards the gal winning because she’s better eye candy…then again, a victory might lessen the chances she’ll appear in a full Playboy spread. Or better yet, Swank. (I keeeed, I keeed).

Do I get my hetrosexual card back now?

Which reminds me of a little story....

I was teaching a science class with a coworker. She was talking about blood clotting in humans. During the lecture, she asked the class, "What do you call the disorder where blood does not clot properly?"

The class sat there for several seconds....clueless....

(Bueller.....Bueller.....Bueller....)

You had a better chance of getting a giraffe to recite the alphabet. So she prompted them....."Heeeemo"

One of the students got up....with this HUGE smile on his face....."Hemo-SEXUAL!"

I nearly pissed myself.

My Coke Rewards total....114 points. I think I'm up to a $20 coupon when I buy $300 worth of ant trap products or something.

Anyone think Fantasia will be making an appearance in Black Tail anytime soon?

Atlanta Braves first baseman Adam LaRoche made one of the worst plays I have ever seen on a baseball field.

Taking an easy grounder that was certain to be the third out of the inning, LaRoche gingerly made his way to first, getting beat out by Nationals batter Nick Johnson. The play jumpstarted a rally by the Nationals, who would eventually go on to win the game.

In the story about the game, it was mentioned that LaRoche has ADD (attention deficit disorder....which is actually called ADHD by most medical professionals now). Braves fans had the frustration of witnessing this disorder for only a few seconds. I get to witness it for about 8 hours each day.

And I wonder why I'm almost completely bald.

I wonder what would happen to LaRoche if he played for a team that was located in a city where grits isn't the main delicacy. Don't get me wrong, he wouldn't be considered Scott Norwood or anything, but he wouldn't exactly be given more leeway from this point on.

Which brings me to this tangent.....how does Norwood have an encyclopedia entry? I mean, someone actually researched his life? Then again, I guess anyone can get an entry.

Did anyone see that Yakov Smirnoff graduated from U Penn this week? (Scroll to the end of the link). That guy hasn't been seen in years. He was kinda funny as a comedian back when the Cold War was at its peak. Then when that all fell apart, you never really heard of him again. Which begs the question, how can he afford a UPenn education to begin with? Was he distilling his own Smirnoff vodka, hoping people got it confused with the legitimate Smirnoff brand? Is there some small section of the country with NO information entering where this guy is still mildly funny?

And what the hell is positive psychology? Some sort of "create-your-own major" like half the Rutgers basketball team did when I went to school. I remember one player majored in Puerto Rican Studies another majored in Drinking with a minor in Sleeping. Maybe Smirnoff should have focused on Ukrainian Studies.

Quincy....what ARE you thinking? Yes, I am happy that you might actually give Rutgers a player in the NBA as opposed to a commissioner (Davey Stern) and coach (Eddie Jordan), but there is NO way you are a first round pick. Maybe I'm wrong. Is the college talent pool THAT weak? Don't get me wrong, Douby was a good college player, and I was a fan of his work, but can't you wait one more year to assure yourself maybe a lottery selection? It's all about the money, I guess.

Mr. Douby....meet Terrell Willis.

Lastly, I want to thank Jersey Girl for her shout out today. For those who haven't read her blog, definitely check it out (along with the others by Mr. Mosher, Joe Pendleton, B. Peterman, and SJPSandman linked on the right side. It's the one thing I look forward to each day.

Well, that and 2:53 p.m. (that's the time the work day ends....although for me, it concludes when I have a mental shutdown after all of my students tell me they don't have pencils....or paper.....or anything that might make them SLIGHTLY prepared for class around 10 bells)

I turned 30 years and one month old yesterday. (Insert sound of noisemakers here)

No, I'm not expecting a surprise party every month after the huge milestone...but I've constantly been asked, "Do you feel any different?" Not really. I must admit though....the most difficult part of reaching 30 isn't added aches and pains, added responsibility in life, passing the age threshhold for American Idol (like I can even sing happy birthday) or weakened ability to consume beverages (not that I could drink many others under the table in my prime to begin with).

The worst part might have to be facing the treadmill. I used to throw my weight on there press enter and then always an age in my 20s. Now, I have to deal with a WHOLE different category. The heart rate target changes....the diagram of where fat burning and cardio reaches another stanza on the chart.....people start gasping and breaking glasses behind me. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Not like ANYONE in my gym is swallowing pills to begin with...but I won't go there again.

I'm sure I'll be able to figure out other problems of reaching 30. But right now, I'm trying to enjoy it....

...as long as I can use my towel to cover up the treadmill reference section.

The Coke Rewards total is up to 98. (Sorry Joe Pendleton.....It's no beer count. I think that's up to 6....which is Derek Jeter's number).

Happy Birthday Rico!

I failed a test today. Granted it was my vehicle inspection (and not a pregnancy test)....but still, there's something very demoralizing about waiting 20 minutes for your car to pass through a line controlled by two people who are about as pleasant as Kansas City Royals fans in mid-August and then having a red sticker thrown on due to a burnt out brake bulb.

Kansas City Royal fan.....isn't that an oxymoron?



But anyway...I had to head back to the shop to get it fixed and then drive back to the DMV or MVC or PMS....or whatever they call it now to wait 20 minutes once again for them to look at a bulb. They seemed to look at EVERYTHING again before they passed me. Like I am going to remove my catalytic converter and install pimped out tint and all kinds of illegal devices on my car in the 90 minutes since I left the inspection center. Give me the sticker and let me go waste more gas.

My new hobby....collecting codes from Coke bottles as part of the My Coke Reward campaign. Yes, I officially have reached a new low point but if drinking 800 bottles of soda can help me snag that coveted "Coca Cola Judges Cup from the American Idol set" or an "Authentic Autographed Race Tire" , then my life goals will have been fulfilled.

Feel free to send me your codes. I'm currently up to 62 points. Only about 36,938 more for the top prize of "World Domination and free year's supply of Diet Coke."

To quote Derrick Coleman, "Whoop Dee Damn Doo."

I have a formal this weekend with E. It might involve me dancing at some point. I'm sure that won't be too embarassing for all parties involved. Especially with the genetics that I have. My grandfather used to say that his Naval officer used to tell him he walked "like a monkey fucking a football." I won't include a visual there.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all other moms out there. Stay away from wire hangers.

I went to the Live show last night at Starland Ballroom. They put on a good show. I must admit, these guys looks like they're getting older and older (not that I am getting any younger or anything....after all my shower drain looks like a friggin' gremlin convention.....OK, well maybe that's an overexaggeration....not that I'll be throwing food down there after midnight or anything).

Ed Kowalczyk pretty much looks the same....he does look like he's hit the gym recently. Then again, I hit the gym too recently. But my gym-going experience involves staring at people and wondering

1) Is that chick with big breastses a stripper? She must be.

2) How do some of these guys get THAT big? There's no way that's natural. I wonder if the front desk would be opposed in making drug tests mandatory in order to work out at the gym. Anything that makes me look a LITLLE bit larger, would be greatly appreciated. I'm considering strolling into the gym with one of those sumo wrestling blow-up outfits just to hold my own out there. It's tough trying to struggle with those 20 pound weights!

3) What's the deal with that clown who looks like a mess but talks to EVERY hot chick? You know the guy....chews gum like a cow and NEVER does a single exercise but has a blast just chatting away. His full time job? Gym loiterer.

Back to Live...the opening act was a group called Michael Shapiro. There was a kid in my college named Michael Shapiro who was highly annoying. I think he ran for President of the class every year. This bad made him look palpable (there's an SAT word for ya!). Stench.

The key for Live was to play my three favorite songs: White, Discussion (check), I Alone (check), and Shittown (check). This should help for a great week.

Well, maybe if the Yankees can actually beat the Red Sox this year.

Got this great link from my friend, Josh, in and Land of Mary. For those of you who were hooked on Super Mario Brothers, you will definitely enjoy this. I remember sitting home on Thanksgiving, playing that game for 3 days straight. After that, I think fireballs were shooting out of my orifaces, too.

I wonder if Mario ever had that checked out.

Well, it's my first official blog and I must admit I'm a little nervous. Not shaking nervous but I have very high expectations for myself. Not that I'm going to start using performance enhancing drugs to help improve my writing here (I believe my semester-long stint as scribe for my local fraternity definitely assists me in this endeavor). I figure since everyone and their uncle have blogs why shouldn't I start? I have something to contribute to society. Right?

Who am I kidding.....where are those writing steroids when I need them?

So, let me start by explaining the name for the blog. When I was little (actually, I still am little but that's for another conversation), I used to be a HUGE fan of Saturday Night Live. Dennis Miller, who was my favorite Weekend Update anchor, used to begin each broadcast with "Good evening...and what can I tell you..." I always looked forward to SNL...even though most of the jokes went over my head.

He'd then end the broadcast with "And I am....outta here!" I guess that's where I'll conclude tonight.