Lions and Tigers and Nats! (Oh my!) PART I

For people in my generation (and generations before and after mine), baseball has always been a direct link to our father and their fathers and his father (maybe not that far back...you get the point). So, I have always wondered what it would be like to do a ballpark vacation. You hear about these from time to time....someone drops everything and does a trip to as many different ballparks as possible.

It's almost like Halloween when the old lady down the street opens a jar of unwrapped candy and says, "Take whatever you can put in your hands." Always at a disadvantage because I had the smallest hands in the neighborhood (which still probably is true today), I'd take a dozen or so and throw them back in my sack. Not that any of this mattered, because I was forced to throw the candy out due to the constant fear created by parents, teachers, media, Mad Magazine, etc. that unwrapped candy would all be poisoned and you'd get sick and probably die.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, as an adult, my candy is baseball. I watch the baseball package more than almost any other channels on tv and get chills on Opening Day (especially when it's 40 degrees and raining). My friend JBecht and I were considering a vacation earlier this year, we bypassed someplace tropical for a tour of 6 ballparks in 5 days for our love of the sport (and the fact that going someplace nice would cost double of this ballpark tour).

We plotted out the plan...I'd drive to his place in Maryland and we'd hit Yankees at Orioles (Apr. 20), fly to Milwaukee for Cardinals at Brewers (Apr. 21), drive to Chicago for an unusual NY doubleheader Mets at Cubs and Yankees at ChiSox (Apr. 22), fly to Detroit for Rangers at Tigers (Apr. 23), and fly back to JBecht's for the Metro ride to Washington and taken in Mets at Nationals (Apr. 24).

Two Mets games and two Yankees games. The ideal "Mancation" as JBecht would say.

So here's Part I of the recap of our adventure, which started Sunday April 20th.

Game # 1 N.Y. Yankees at Baltimore Orioles

The clouds looked ominous and generally, we were a tad fearful about this game getting played. For those who are aware of my status in F Squad, the worst case scenario of getting each of our six games rained out wasn't just a possibility....it is HIGHLY probable. Guess who wasn't at Opening Day for the Yankees due to a rainout (that was more like a drizzle-out) this year?






Luckily, our game was played and the seats were in a decent location. We were covered (for the time being) and 2 sections back from 3rd base.

Heading into the tour, Oriole Park at Camden Yards has been my favorite ballpark. There's not a bad seat in the house and always something to do (whether it be taking in the sun or heckling half of the players on the roster who are about as recognized as the Iraqi ambassador to the UN), especially when it's nice out.

Nick Markakis is a god down there. Looking at that roster, there's not much else to praise. Adam Jones, who made 3 outstanding grabs in centerfield, is a star in the making, but playing in the AL East makes it a difficult road for Pete Angelos (the fans don't make it easier for PAngelos@laughingstock.net).

New Ravens coach Jim Harbaugh threw out the first pitch. Figuring that this would be the first of 6 celebrities who would throw out the first ball, I got the camera ready for each first toss. It was one of few disappointments on this trip....especially when some 10 year old named Timmy hurled out the first ball at U.S. Cellular Field.

We had to wait out a rain delay that lasted approximately 35 minutes. That gave us a chances to move 5 rows from the field and get a closer view of the players and one guy who was using a napkin as his umbrella. I guess the dollar store was closed.

Final Result: Behind a homer from Johnny Damon and seven innings of scoreless ball from Andy Pettitte, the Yankees win 7-1. ARod injures his quad running to first base and misses the rest of the week to the delight of Mess and Red Sox fans everywhere.

Game # 2 St. Louis Cardinals at Milwaukee Brewers.

We landed in Milwaukee and went straight to the hotel. Mr. Lozo mentioned this bar called 4th Base, which was 2 blocks from where we were staying and we headed there for lunch. The bar was featured in Major League and is a small but nice dive about a 15 minute walk from the park. Plenty of pictures line the walls from throughout baseball. I had a grilled salmon caesar salad as Joe D stared at me from the side wall.

We quickly made our way to the Miller Brewing Company tour (or hour-long advertisement for Miller beers) where free tastes awaited the end of the hour-long trip.


We were done with Miller Time. It was off to the hotel and then the game.

I never thought so many Brewers fans existed in this world. We went to Miller Park about 90 mins before the game started and strolled around the outside of the park. I met the polish sausage, which eventually won the Sausage Race inside the park. When I first walked up to get a picture, it went after my Yankees hat and tried to throw it off my head. I must admit, I was not in the mood to "beat the meat" but if it had to be done, then so be it. Eventually, the sausage stood still and allowed me to take a shot.

Prior to coming to the game, the roof was open, but the powers that be opted to shut it despite the decent weather and no sign of rain. That was a little bit disappointing. I'm assuming the people in the Brewers glass booth are the clowns who use umbrellas despite no rain or clouds in the skies.

Final Result: Relief pitcher Derrick Turnbow self destructs as the Cardinals rally for a 4-3 victory. In what seems to be a new change in the Major Leagues, both teams had their pitchers batting 8th. The move seems to hurt Milwaukee, which had pitcher Chaz Villanueva batting with two on in the second inning. With 9th hitter Jason Kendall on deck, Villanueva struck out to keep the game scoreless. Kendall doubled to lead off the third inning.

Line of the game: "Turnbow, you make me so mad, I want to punch a baby!" -- angry Brewers fan after the former closer allowed the go-ahead run in a diasterous 9th inning for St. Louis.

Josh and I stopped at the Potawotami Casino, where I dropped about $60 in 15 minutes. Didn't see many of the Native Americans that I figured this money was going to....I did see more old people with oxygen tanks and wheelchairs.....I was also thankful that smoking isn't allowed indoors in New Jersey.

It was not the most desirable experience and I wish I could have that time back. The highlight was seeing this large man with a Hideo Nomo Brewers jersey in the parking deck.

I didn't have a chance to ask him if he ate paste as a kid.

Game # 3 New York Mess at Chicago Cubs.

After making the 94 mile drive to Chicago and parking at US Cellular Field, we took the train and headed toward Wrigley. There were plenty of clowns, shills and yahoos aboard the vessel.....if I ever wanted to try a stand-up comedy act, there was plenty of material.

Please keep in mind, we were SURROUNDED by people in Mess jerseys.

Among the stupid/annoying comments:

1) "You guys going to the game?" -- man who seemed to have difficulty with his eyes and a nasty odor coming from a hidden oreface.

2) "You from New York?" I have to remind you I was wearing a Yankees hat and a big ass sign that read "HI! I'M FROM NEW JERSEY!" OK maybe I didn't have the sign....

3) "Hey New York! That's where the Bronx Zoo is, right? I haven't been there in a long time. Do they still have animals there? What about the Mouse House? Is the Mouse House still part of the zoo? I liked the World of Darkness. Is that a David Wright jersey? Did you know the "W" is silent in "Wright"? Mouse House. Mouse House. World of Darkness!" -- a guy in a dark green trenchcoat who I was convinced needed a straitjacket and heavy doses of sedatives....and a vasectomy.

4) Does heavy breathing and staring count as a comment?

Eventually, we arrived at the Addison station. I almost wish there was a shower nearby or at least that white cleansing powder the military uses to remove the remnants of that ride.

Filthy.

I enjoyed the neighborhood that surrounded Wrigley. Two things were everywhere: ticket brokers looking to unload seats to this "SOLD OUT" game and enough Kosuke Fukudome gear to clothe the Southern half of Africa (and I'm counting animals as well). Headbands (for $10), t-shirts (for $20), chopsticks, signs, used condoms.....anything you can imagine. I'm not sure if it's 1) a Japanese/cultural thing, 2) the fact he's a pretty good player and breath of fresh air or 3) his last name sounds like the same word uttered by most Cubs fans in September.

After stopping at the Cubby Bear for a taste and making an appearance on the Cub World cam (the picture to the right was MY view of the cam), I tried to sell off my extra Cubs tickets. With about 8,000 tickets on the street, there was a better shot of Chris Farley in his Ditka Fan outfit meeting me by the bleacher entrance than someone accepting my price of $1 for 2 tickets.

When we entered the ballpark, I was surprised that the ramps leading up to our seats went OVER other fans' seats. Not something I was used to. And the thought of dropping some phlegm on a dude did cross my mind.

We headed to our seats in section 529, Row 5 and watched Minette Goodman (left) throw out the first pitch. WTF?!?!?!? Some 80-year-old non-entity gets the honor this time?

But we must move on.

Josh dropped one of his 300 batches in the trip in a Wrigley bathroom -- a feat that almost caused me to call 20/20 to them them do an exclusive report. One look at the troughs would make me forget about checking out the toilets.

For those who are keeping score at home, former Cubs and Phillies player Doug Glanville did Take Me Out to the Ballgame.

Final result: I feel bad for Mess fans who are hoping for that first World Series title in 22 years. In the two games I saw on this trip, the bullpen had more holes than a golf course in Milwaukee (they love that cheese in Wisconsin). Jorge Sosa made Ronny Cedeno look like an all-star, surrendering an eighth inning grand slam in an 8-1 Cubs victory. Hey Cubs fans....maybe this is the year!

And maybe the Jets have a chance at a title, too. Good luck with that.

My one regret....not heading to the 18 that Joe Pendleton recommended. I saw it, but in my haste for a t-shirt for my 6-year-old niece that was priced under $25, I totally forgot about it.

Even though I haven't reported on the South Side of Chicago, Detroit and Washington (still to come), here are my rankings of the parks from the trip

1. Comerica Park, Detroit. This place had it all....family entertainment (ferris wheel and carousel), a good diversity of food and beverages, and knowledgable fans. Only downside was the outside neighborhood. Homeless people begging for change are about as common as losses for the Tigers in the early part of this decade. Sample food items: funnel cake, sushi, sausage sandwich.

2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore. I've always been a big fan of this place. The place has a nice historic touch with plenty of openings from which you can watch the game. If you want to take a stroll around the outfield, you can still see what's going on in the game. I had a chance to take a tour of the place last May, and I highly recommend it. One interesting feature...there's a dry erase board inside the front office hallways with both team's starting lineups listed. The stadium staff does not erase the board until the next home game is played. So, if the Orioles host the Rays in the regular season finale, Gabe Gross' name will be hanging for all to see in mid-January. Highly exciting. Sample foot items: Pulled pork sandwich (HEY NOW!), chicken and sausage sandwiches, Old Bay sandwich (no, not really).

3. Miller Park, Milwaukee. Maybe my opinion would be different if they opened the roof for the game. The weather was in the 60s with no rain but for some reason the Cheeseheads who run the stadium thought it would be nice to leave it closed. Come on....baseball is meant to be played outdoors. The brats were delicious and there are plenty of games to keep kids interested. Outside the stadium, there are plate markings showing where each base is located to help with directions. I was shocked to see how many Brewers fans really exist in this world. Sample food items: baked potatoes, brats, kennel corn, numerous types of Miller beer.

Of course a little sausage race doesn't hurt either...

4. U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago. Something about this park screamed "BIG". The seating area seemed very high up and this was true even after the 6,600 seats were removed from the upper deck due. Fans were a mix of families and young jerkoffs who seemed to enjoy telling anyone who'd listen how much they hate the Cubs. Several Cubs hats were thrown around and numerous morons were tossed for inappropriate behavior. One guy was tossed for throwing a Yankees homerun ball back onto the field. That seemed a little harsh but I guess they still have some built up anger from having Rex Grossman (not a Jew) at QB the past several years. Sample food items: Chicago pizza, curly fries (ok....I didn't really check out the menu there....I was too into watching the clowns in the audience).

5. Wrigley Field, Chicago. Yeah, I understand the history (that's the only thing preventing a ranking at the bottom), but the park is still pretty filthy. When you walk up the ramps to get to your seat, other sections are directly underneath. So you could spit off the side as you walk toward your seat and land a nasty goober on some unsuspecting fan below. I like how the city envelopes the park and the stadium has very few advertisements (a few for Under Armor in the ivy and 3-4 small boards inside the stadium). The seats are ok, however the huge beams that lead to numerous obstructed views.....I guess these might be desirable seats if your name is Steve Bartman.

6. Nationals Park, Washington. A very nice park but the atmosphere is dead....about 70 % of the stadium was filled....and much of the six sections behind home plate were vacant even in the 4th inning. Even from the right field seats, you could have heard a pin drop (or a Lastings Miledge error). When we ordered the seats for this game, we must have missed the seating chart because the highlight of this park -- a 4,500 foot high HD scoreboard -- could not been seen from our vantage point in section 139. We were able to see Luis Ayala warmup for about 20 minutes. My guess is its a huge step up from Hiram Birthorn Stadium in Puerto Rico. VIVA EL BAYSBOL!