N.F.L. Disasters

Could there be more train wrecks in a sport than the NFL? Broncos, Jets, Cardinals, Eagles, Cowboys.....it seems like there are a growing number of teams that are trying to back their way into the playoffs or are trying to back their way OUT of the playoffs. After a 47-7 walloping at New England Sunday, Arizona is proving that the NFC West might be one of the weakest divisions in years.

• I'm thinking the winner of the Chargers/Broncos game should have to participate in a play-in game to qualify for the NFL postseason. If the NCAA Tourney can do it, why not the NFL? Are there any football fields in Dayton?

• Which brings me to wonder.....since when did the NFL playoffs change its name to the "tournament"? I've heard at least three NFL coaches refer to the Road to the Super Bowl as that. Here's hoping Billy Packer won't be doing play-by-play.

• Lions coach Rod Marinelli has some resume. Makes Terry Shea look like Don Shula. Recently, I joined what could be the greatest sports website ever. It's called Centsports and you can gamble for free. I've been figuring the Lions are going to end their streak at SOME point. Well, I've been off the mark and missed some of those bets. Still, my high point is $12....don't even try to beat that. Click here and get started.

• I'm happy the Giants won last night against the Panthers but with the way the GMen played on the road last year, I'm a little worried with the whole "Home Field Advantage" this season.

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all. For those longing for a sequel to the Adam Sandler Hannkuah song, enjoy these celebrities who are members of the Tribe.

Is McCain Able? Probably not.

What do Baby Jessica, Peter McNeeley, and John McCain have in common?

All three have been or will be eliminated from the public's consciousness at some point after the media's spotlight. That is if the prognosticators are correct (and the betting lines that had Obama a 12-1 favorite as of yesterday afternoon).

As they say in China, Welcome to Erection Night!

Whatever your feelings on each candidate, history will be made tonight.

This may be the 3rd most noteworthy Presidental election in this nation's 232 year history (Washington and Lincoln may take the prizes for tops...but that is debatable). Think about it.

• 150 years ago there were 31 million people in America....4 million of them (13 percent) were slaves. Now, you may have an African-American in the most popular position in the world.
  
  




• A large number of people are going to the voting booth for the first time EVER. I'm not saying all of these people are aware of the issues or even who the candidates are, but they're participating in the process and that's what a democracy is all about. We are a very diverse nation and every American should play a part regardless of how small a percentage their vote (or in some sections of the country "votes") matter.

• Hasn't the Republican Party learned over the past 50 years how important the media has become? From Nixon in 1960 to Dole in 1996 to McCain in 2008, appearance means everything. McCain is a very intelligent man and a hero for his service to this country, but people want a president that's physically appealing. McCain looked robotic and his slight anger problem didn't help his cause at all.

• One of the biggest losers in all of this might be the city of Newark. Expect Corey Booker to take a spot in the Obama administration, leaving the mayoral position vacant. Will the city be able to fill it with someone who can help an area in turmoil?

• My prediction: Sen. Frank Lautenberg will win in NJ and then resign. He'll prompt give his job to Dennis Miller, thus fulfilling the national goal of having a former SNL actor serve in the Senate in every state in the union.

Some other quick thoughts:

• When every bank is eventually bought out by Bank of America, will every stadium/field/arena be called Bank of America Field?
  



• There was definitely a void in the election coverage without Tim Russert. The guy was so passionate about politics and really got into nights like tonight.

• For those who listen to AM radio, I'm thinking the Cars for Kids campaign should spend a little less money on ads and more on the kids. We know you're out there and if we have an extra car to throw around, it's all yours. That jingle has broken me out in cold sweats on a regular basis.




• Quick way to make small amounts of money? Check this site out. 20 minutes for $3. I'm hoping to parlay that into a 19 inch tv set on Black Friday.

• If McCain loses, will we still be his "friends"?

• I've turned on Fox News Channel twice in the past 2 months and each time an interviewer was yelling at the guest. Don't get me wrong, I watched the entire interview but that doesn't make it right. Case in point, I watched the entire video of Britany Spears getting her head shaved....also not very rewarding. But I watched the whole thing.

• How long until Sarah Palin gets her own talk show? She might be better off losing this one.

• Joe the Plumber might never speak on camera again. The guy has no license and allegedly owed money in back taxes. Tough break. Then again, maybe he can get a plumbing talk show off the ground.
  
  



• I'd love to see Hillary Clinton's ballot. I'm betting she's writing herself in for president.

• Barack Obama called for a playoff system in college football. Not even someone running for the most powerful position in the world has a shot of getting that together. You can thank the Rose Bowl presented by Citi (soon to be Rose Bowl presented by Bank of America) for that one.

Just finalized a trip to UNC Dec. 28th to go to the Dean Dome to see Rutgers lose by 40 to the eventual national champs. Could you imagine if they pulled the upset?

And then you remember it's Rutgers basketball and they don't upset teams. They only get upset.

Nevermind.

Lastly, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month. Don't forget to wear purple Nov. 14th!

Dining Out for Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

I apologize for not putting the Yankees Stadium final game highlights up on here yet.....hopefully, I will. I've been busy with some things...one of which is the pancreatic cancer charity with which I am involved.

On Monday Oct. 13th, we will be having a fundraiser at the Windsor Diner.

The New Jersey Affiliate of the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network invites you to Dining Out for Pancreatic Cancer this Monday, October 13, 2008. Join us at the Windsor Diner in Clark to enjoy great food while creating awareness, raising funds and meeting others who share the same goal: to find a cure for pancreatic cancer!
The Windsor Diner will donate 10% of your bill to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network from 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. this Monday When you arrive, take a flyer and give it to your server.

We all have to eat, so do it and raise money for this great charity!!!

Here is the Facebook event invite. If you haven't joined Facebook already....what are you waiting for???

Greatest Weekend EVER Part I

Plenty of things have changed over the last 20+ years. I've lived in 7 different places, grown a little (hey, even the Lollipop Guild had some vertical achievements during childhood), lost close relatives, developed an affinity for mushrooms (no Sandman....not THOSE mushrooms), became, as my brother would say, "follically impaired", and went through more suits at Wyatt and Koss (a store my mom used to take us to purchase suits in nearby Westfield with this elderly fellow who reminds me of a flamboyant Chevy Chase...the OLD Chevy Chase...not the one who used to make us laugh).

It brought new meaning to the name "Dr. Rosenpenis".

One constant has been my passion for Saturday Night Live. I finally attended my first live taping on Sept. 20th. It was unbelievable.

We were instructed to get to NBC's Rockefeller Plaza Studio at 10:15 and ask for a uniformed page. If it was up to me, I would have been there at 10:15 AM but I didn't want to seem like I was stalking the cast....even if I was.

We were told to wait by a roped off area for further instructions. Former Yankees pitcher David Wells walked through the front door (no Babe Ruth cap, but a dark goatee that made me wonder if my friend Dbag's facial hair is actually in style.....nah). I didn't see any other celebrities walk in but I did see some dude rocking the Paul Simon bowtie. Now I have the fashion sense of an 85-year-old great grandfather in Naples, Fla., but even I know that's not in style.

It wasn't until about 10:45 when tickets were finally being issued. Both parties in front of E and me were instructed to go to the elevator and head to the 9th floor. When we got to the front of the line, the woman asked an intern to escort us to the 8th floor. For the first time since I won the prized Faculty Award at Arthur L. Johnson Regional High School, I was a V.I.P.

Well, for the next 2 hours at least.

I asked an usher if we were allowed to take pictures. He laughed and told me absolutely not. So all of my memories of this event would have to be in my mind. And for those who know me, my memory is fading faster than the Cleveland Browns (with apologies to my two Browns readers).

We were taken to a long hallway with which I was familiar. It usually pops up about 2 times each season. The hallway was flanked by signed potraits of former hosts: Chevy Chase, David Schwimmer, Steve Martin, Brittany Murphy, and well....there goes the memory).

The musical guest, King of Leon, had its dressing room was right next to us. Had it been Metallica, I might have been more fired up. Without the nameplate on the door, I would have figured these guys were part of an NBC sponsored Jews for Jesus convention.

I'm sure GE would have embraced that.

The line, which probably had about 30 people in it, started moving and we were standing in front of the main stage.....the place were numerous memorable monologues took place:

• Michael Jordan's memorable discussion of the products he didn't endorse like Michael Jordan Porn or Michael Jordan feminine pads





• Carl Weathers signing about a rainbow in soprano.





• Steve Martin belting out a tune stating, "I'm not going to mail it in tonight"





• Tom Hanks acceptance in the Five Timers Club.





• George Carlin's comedy bit about baseball and football on the inaugural episode....although that was probably in a different studio.





• Chevy Chase, Martin and Martin Short (no I wasn't studdering there) doing the Three Amigos salute

...and many many more.

The usher told us to sit near the end of the 3rd row from the stage. The seats were SO much closer than I anticipated and the atmosphere was electric. The stage is pretty much what I expected but the audience in front of the stage was a little smaller than I thought it would be. There were at least 6 mini stages all around us where the sketches would be performed. I thought there would be 3 at most

I looked in front of me and saw legendary announcer Don Pardo looking over his notes. I gave him a thumbs up, and he strolled over to where we were sitting. The guy IS the voice of NBC. The networks shuttles him in from Arizona every weekend and he still does the intro for each and every show.

Did I mention he is 90 years old? Just to put that in perspective......he could be John McCain's father.

I'm talking ancient.

He looked at us and said, "You guys are going to see a GRRRRRRRREAT show!"

Did he say this EVERY week? Or was this legitamately a "GRRRRRRRRREAT" show? Who gave a crap. It was Don "Friggin" Pardo! He could have told me Rutgers still had a shot for the BCS title game and I would have believed him.

Almost.

I thought of taking my cell phone out and having the "Spanning the World" narrator record a "Happy Birthday" message to unveil in four months but I didn't feel like getting thrown out the 8th floor window by my arse and ruining a potentially great evening.

I think that's what happened to SNL alum Victoria Jackson...or at least her career.

Plus, I did consider the sight of the technological advancement that is the cell phone might have stunned Mr. Pardo to the point he had a heart attack leading to a Pete Rose-like lifetime ban from NBC property. That would have seriously dampered my hopes of getting on Deal or No Deal with my long lost twin Howie Mandel.

Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen performed an original song on vocals and guitar, respectively, and Jason Sudeikis did a little comedy for the audience.

And then 11:30 came before I knew it.

The show kicked off with a skit about John McCain approving inappropriate and messages and a "Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!" opened the credits. I knew there'd be an audience shot and looked for the camera to get my mug on national tv. Unfortunately, the only thing that made the sets in Northern Montana was the top of my shiny head.

Since the whole SNL actor thing never worked out, maybe I can be the real life Mr. Clean? Maybe after I hit the gym....everyday for the next 5 years.

Cameron Diaz made a cameo and was staring right at me for a good 5 minutes. I know we made eye contact. So what her cue cards were directly in front of me? And they had to put two people from the show directly between the cue cards and me so she didn't have to stare at my face for the final 4 minutes of the Cougars skit?

We had a moment.

E had her moment, too. Host James Franco was prepping for his scene and E started waving to him. He waved back and started laughing with her. I thought if this could get us to the after-party, then let them keep going. That didn't happen.

The show ended and I tried to get a photo of me on the stage one last time but I didn't want to end up like this moron at the Yankees game who got to know the long, painful side of a knight stick.

As we walked out, E told me to move quicker because she wanted to catch up to another celebrity...Kirsten Dunst. She wasn't wearing much makeup and didn't more like a spider than the chick from the Spiderman movies.

We got in the same elevator and I know I felt a connection there. I had a tingly feeling in my leg and knew my last shot of joining the afterparty would finally be successful. Then I realized the guy next to me was standing on my foot.

Overall, it was one exciting night that I wish I could experience every weekend. I did hit the final Yankees game at Yankee Stadium and hope to get pics on here from that in the near future.

On a final note, tickets for the Second Annual Picnic for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network are on sale! It is Oct. 5th at the Deutscher Club in Clark, NJ from 12-4 p.m.

Click on this link to buy a ticket or make a donation!

Thank you for your support!

-- Bartles & Jaymes

A Dream Come True!

Ever since I was 10 ten years old, I was hooked on Saturday Night Live. It might have been my mom's fascination with the show (thank you, Gilda Radner) or the fact that it was a good excuse to stay up until 1 A.M. on a Saturday night....even as a 5th grader.

When people would ask me what I wanted to do for a living, I told them I was going to be a cast member on the show. Once I interviewed for a desk editor job at a local newspaper. The question was posed to me, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

Now, I did consider the appropriate response, "I hope to be the managing editor of this newspaper." but my parents always taught me not to lie. It's like a commandment, right? After all, I don't want Charlie Heston giving me nightmares in my sleep. So, I told the truth:

"I believe I will be a cast member on Saturday Night Live."

I usually got laughs as a response but since laughs were like gold for me, I didn't seem to mind. (needless to say, I didn't get the job.....Thank God!)

I remember the first episode I ever saw with Mark Harmon...Suzanne Vega of "Luka" fame was the musical host. It was the 1986-87 season. There was a sketch artist skit with Kevin Nealon (along with his real hair back then) and Victoria Jackson (yes, that was when she was employed) that we taped and watched with my family over and over again. The premise of the skit was that the artist (Nealon) would draw pictures on paper with a black oil-like substance that got all over his hands. When he grabbed his subject's face to have them turn her head, he left black marks, which he promptly drew into the sketch.

Yeah, it might not sound great on paper, but in my household it was a riot. As a matter of fact, we STILL recite quotes from that show....along with numerous others.

I taped every episode of the show for almost 10 years. TONS and TONS of VHS tapes were all over my parents' house (along with the old movies my father taped.....I think the ratio of SNL tapes to his tapes were 1:320....you could have built the next Tower of Babel with all of them, which can be purchased for a serious discount....just email my mom...also expect to sit through 2 hours of photos and stories behind them)

Many of my comedic idols came from Saturday Night Live.....Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Phil Hartman, Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Terry Sweeney (no, not really)....and I worked hard to immitate them...especially anything that Carvey did (the first George Bush, a Chinese guy, "Choppin' Broccoli" singer, Ross Perot, etc.). Back in 1996, I actually got to meet Carvey and did a 30 second exchange with him in my Perot voice.

It was one of the highlights of my life. (Well, maybe not the part where I had a yellow stream running down my leg...)

Well, another high point arrives September 20th when I get to watch a live taping of Saturday Night Live....hosted by James Franco (the dude from Spiderman) and musical guest Kings of Leon.

Get that defribrillator ready, NBC. I may have a heart attack.

This has been a wait that's crossed through THREE decades. Reagan was president, gas was under a dollar, Miami Heat was considered to be a description of the weather in South Florida and not an NBA team, Rutgers soccer was on the rise, O.J. Simpson was a well-respected former NFL player, and I had a full head of hair.

My, it's been a long time.

While I don't think I will be able to audition for Lorne Michaels in the 1 hour or so before the show and reach the ultimate goal of being ON the show, this is a close second to that.

I'm very fired up.

Some things I have been pondering for the past few days.

• A caller on ESPN radio had the perfect solution to the new GIANTS Stadium naming rights. Could there be anything better than "JetBlue Stadium"? I just wonder what that would do to baggage costs.

• USC is the #1 team in the country. Period.

• Who was the biggest winner in the North Carolina/Rutgers game? Easy. It was Michigan.

• Do you think anyone is ever going to name their kid "Ike" again? I know "Katrina" is off the list. Shouldn't "Adolf" be used at some point?

• I got a ticket for the Metallica concert in February 2009. This is not good for my already failing hearing issues.

Lastly, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (formerly Pancan) is holding the Second Annual Picnic for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network on October 5th at the Deutscher Club in Clark, NJ. The event features a face painter, luncheon, pumpkin painting, music, door prizes, and more! Tickets are $30 each if you purchase them online ($35 at the door). Donations are welcome as well. Please click on this link for more information.

My father passed away from pancreatic cancer 6+ years ago, and I am doing whatever I can to try to prevent myself and others from going through a similar fate. There is no early detection method and the survivor rate is very low.

Please help and make a difference!

Thank you.

More Stuff from Youth

I figured since my previous posting dealt with my youth, why not throw this classic Public Service Announcement in.

Who knew Viagra was around in the early 1980s?

Big Smile!

I recently had a brief discussion with my sister in law, who swiped a can of soda away from my niece at dinner this past weekend. Her feeling was that constant intake of those types of carbonated beverages would lead to cavities, while my contention was lack of brushing and/or treks to the dentist office were more pressing concerns for looking like Mike Tyson by age 19.

My siblings and I were very fortunate to make regular trips to the dentist. It was more than just a checkup....we went to see Dr. Steinberg, an older fellow with eyebrows reminescent of Abe Vigoda in Look Who's Talking. You'd stare at them and wonder if Tarzan was going to swing through the window, latch onto his eyebrows and save me from the agony of the picking of my teeth.

(And while I'm on the topic....Abe Vigoda....dead or alive? No checking imdb.com and cheating, people)

We loved Dr. Steinberg (or as my grandmother used to call him, "Dr. Steinmets"...but to this day, we have no idea why) and he was almost like the crazy uncle we never had. It might have been his humorous but highly inappropriate jokes, where all ethnic groups weren't safe (equality of ripping was encouraged...along with a timely payment of services rendered) or the vast assortment of "Mad" and "Highlights" magazines he had in his waiting room. Does stealing Mad magazines from a doctor's office count as theft? I mean, he was attributing to the literacy of at least one young person.

Just wondering....

The walls looked like they were straight out of the 1970s with a nasty tree pattern that didn't make the experience much more delightful. And who could forget the special times I spent with Mr. Thirsty, the curved white suction-like apparatus that drained my mouth of saliva, nose phlegm and various other liquids around my tongue. It may have been my first attempt at impressions, as I turned this dentist's instrument into my own portable Darth Vader breathing machine. Oh to be age 6 again.

So where am I going with this? Great question. I think of all of the really bad crap I consumed as a child (candy, soda, etc.) and am shocked I didn't have a cavity until my early 20s. The one food product that I loved was cereal. The box bragged about how it was LOADED in vitamins and all this other healthy stuff. What 5 year old really cared about that? For me and for millions of other kids, it was all about taste. Looking back, I am wondering how all of my teeth didn't fall out with the brands I ate on a regular basis:

Cookie Crisp: How can this really be packaged as "cereal"? It was mini COOKIES! While walking through a local Pathmark with E, I saw Cookie Crisp and almost bought a box. Adjacent to that box was Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp with even MORE chocolate. Is this really necessary? Why not just make Coccaine Crisp? Small pieces of crack loaded with all the nutrients needed to get through the day. If you think kids have an ADHD problem now....just wait until we break that brand out.

Lucky Charms: This cereal may have tasted good but it really did a lot to tear apart families. What do I mean by that? Well, my mom went shopping every Sunday morning. She'd open the garage and put about 300 bags filled with groceries on the kitchen floor. I would pretend to help but would be more focused on my ultimate goal: finding the Lucky Charms. Yes, I was a real life leprechaun (maybe that's why I never reached the 5-foot-7 mark). You see, if I grabbed the box before my brother did, I could clean out all of the marshmallows and leave him with the oat-like crap. And there was nothing tastier than the crunchy marshmallows in a new box of LC (which ironically are my brother's initials but he didn't have a shot to get first swipe at this cereal). I won't even get into the effect this cereal had on me running around my neighborhood looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Instant wealth = not happening.

Count Chocula: This was one of my brother's favorites. I liked it not only for the marshmallows but the amazing magic caused when milk was added to a bowl of CC. The cereal was pure chocolate and the milk turned from bland milk to chocolate milk! I was mini-David Copperfield (without the looks or ability to make the Statue of Liberty disappear)! The cartoon in the commercial was kind of frightening and I was a little upset my purchases would be going toward a shady, turd-looking guy in a dungeon but the taste took care of that. It's amazing how much one's taste buds can cause you to go evil.

Frosted Flakes: Come on, Tony the Tiger. You've got a good product....but GRRRRRRR-EAT? I think not.

Fruit Loops/Trix: These cereals kind of fall under the same unbrella -- both hard and fruity (kinda like Richard Simmons). I really felt bad for the rabbit who was made to starve as the kids constantly prevented him from eating the round balls of enjoyment. If I ever turned into an animal rights activist, this could have been looked at as a turning point. Just once can you let the poor rabbit eat?? It was almost like letting Charlie Brown kick the damn football. Can't you see what a mess this kid's life is? And you're making it worse by teasing him and not allowing him to boot the football? This explains the root of all bullying.

Now, as an adult I'm forced to go with the Raisin Bran/Special K/Grape Balls, etc. brands. Not as good as I had as a kid, but as long as sugar is in the top 3 ingredients, then I'm good to go.

FYI, Abe Vigoda....still alive and kicking.

I'm a little frightened to know what his eyebrows look like now.

Tracy Morgan in the hiz-ouse

This might be the funnest thing I have ever seen on YouTube.

Almost makes me glad that I wasn't in Texas on February 25th or 26th.

Favre Away from Green Bay

As a Giants fan, I have always considered the Jets a second rate franchise. Their fans are pompous and with no championships in my lifetime, I never understood why any Generation Xers (or Y and Zers) would want to jump on that futile bandwagon.

Now, for the first time I can remember, it's going to be hard to root against that squad.

Unless you're in Minnesota, or Chicago, or Detroit, how can anyone be a Brett Favre hater? Well, I guess in Detroit the hatred is more focused toward the GM and his staff.....and well, the fact they're in Detroit.

The guy always gives his all and is always in the lineup. For fantasy football players, the guy is a gem.....you never have to worry about his status prior to game time (although you may have to worry about the 4 interceptions he's going to toss to the opposition's secondary).

Some people have said this is the wrong move for the Jets. He's old and had an abyssmal 2006 season. But he's a BIG name and that goes a long way in New York. He brings instant credibility and puts the Jets in line for a playoff spot.

Time will tell, but he's going to inject more enthusiasm into this team and fan base than Kellen Clemens and Chad Pennington.

What's the BEST thing about this pickup? Now I can turn on ESPN and watch Sportscenter and not Favrecenter. How many "Breaking News" updates on Favre walking to the bathroom do we really need in one show?

Hopefully, I'll have some free time and update the masses (yes, all three of you) on the Foof Ighters, Live, and Springsteen shows over the past week.

RU Screw

("Hey Bob, which finger did they use for your prostate exam?")

During my career as a play-by-play annoucer for State U, there were few constants in the athletic department.

Losing was one of those things with which I grew accustomed (and a major reason I blame for my premature hair loss). The soccer and baseball teams made the only regular NCAA appearances, which brought about as much excitement to campus as the addition of a new bench on College Avenue or a new "Fat" sandwich from one of the grease trucks. (Fat Cat is one thing, but did the world really need a Fat Moon, Fat Sal, Fat John, Fat Chris or Fat Kiko?)

The football team was a joke.....to put things in perspective, an overtime loss to Pittsburgh was a bright spot, and the basketball teams combined for four times as many coaches as NCAA appearances. I saw two athletic directors and so many recruits were academic casulaties that you could have fielded another team with the players lost to Mr. Shea, Mr Graber, Mr. Wenzel, Mr. Bannon, and Mr. Magoo....no wait, he may have been the most successful of the bunch.

The names changed but the results still remained the same.

One of those other constants from that woeful era was just shown the door last week. After being relieved of his duties as football play-by-play guy early in the Greg Schiano era, Rutgers announcer Bruce Johnson was shown the door and "relieved of his duties" last week.

Now, when I think of being "relieved", I usually think of heading to the urinal and draining excess fluids from my body. That's not much different than what Rutgers did to Bruce.

I'm not going to say I was a huge fan of Bruce's work. He made some mistakes here, and there but who doesn't? John Sterling makes more than his share, and he still has a job. Even during the most miserable seasons, Bruce never tore apart the Scarlet Knights on the air and was always a professional...at least he was ON the air. He did a solid job, but that's not good enough for Rutgers. State U is always hungrier for more positive PR. In steps WFAN's Chris Carlin. Carlin, who after doing all of the dirty work for years as producer of the Mike and the Mad Dog Show, has been in the right place at the right time, has done a decent job with the Rutgers football broadcasts but what experience does he have doing Rutgers hoops games? Does he have ANY historical knowledge? Will he be able to say "Dick, I'll see you in Morgantown" as well as Bruce?

The move is more proof that's there is no loyalty anywhere anymore. If Rutgers wants a greater presence in the tri-state area, just win more games. It's not about hiring a fat dude whose resume includes hosting the award winning Beer Money, where Carlin gives $10 to random people for knowing who plays shortstop for the Mets. Is the broadcast going to improve by a guy screaming, "It's a Ruckus at the RAC!" if Rutgers beats Louisville by 1 at home?

Even when all things are considered, the biggest loser here isn't Bruce. It's the Rutgers dining service....get those second and third helpings ready at in the media room!

ZING!

Now for a new feature to And What Can I Tell You.....my Top 5 List (why only 5? Because I don't want to set the bar too high with 10).

Top 5 Reasons It's Great to Live with The Sandman

5. Softball on Sundays -- About 5 years ago, the Sandman introduced me to Sunday softball in Union. It boasts one of the wackiest array of characters...almost like a Middle Eastern UN....while still providing an athletic boost to my week. Legends like Local Shill, Joe Pendleton, Jersey Girl and I believe even Mr. Lozo have made appearances. Even though I might not make another appearance until 2009 due to family/wedding/bachelor party obligations, it's a highly entertaining alternative to church (not that I'll be going there anytime soon). Best of all, the Sandman will be glad to see this as an advertisement to those in the Union Twp. area to come on down and bring a glove!

4. Harry Updates -- For those of you who worked for Bridgewater's largest newspaper (but maybe not for much longer), it's a common ritual for alumni to ask current employees, "How's Harry." As my only daily link to the C-N, it's a plus to get regular updates from the Sandman.

3. CD Library -- The Sandman has a music library that rivals most of the libraries throughout the state. You want Metallica's first album? Are you craving to hear Journey on tape? Looking for the latest song by Fee ("All Because of Jesus") or the most recent tune by Casting Crowns ("Every Man")? Are you in the midst of a sexual crisis and are DYING for some Indigo Girls on your iPod? The Sandman probably has it.

2. Housing money. Yeah, this should be number one but I didn't feel like feeding the stereotype faced by those within my tribe.

1. Baseball package -- This may be the greatest thing on television and I have the Sandman to thank for sharing this with me. Without the MLB Extra Innings plan, I'd miss out on those key moments of those Washington Nationals/Pittsburgh Pirates affairs. For example, I tuned into the Padres/DBacks game tonight and Joe Garragiola was doing color for the game. I hadn't heard that cat since the NBC Game of the Week about 20 years ago. Some of Joe's more memorable quotes from the broadcast:

"When you look at (Kevin) Kouzmanoff, it makes me think of a Russian spy."

"I look at this guy (Chase) Headley and can't help but think about 'Blazing Saddles.' "

"Arrrrrrrggggh!" (After D-Bags pitcher Doug Davis threw a wild pitch)

You don't get this kind of insight from watching highlights on Sportscenter.

Best of all, I get to catch AFLAC trivia questions from each broadcast. For those of you who only got the Mets/Phillies game on July 5th, you missed these questions....

• # 1 In the 1970s, which two Padres draft picks went right to the major leagues?

• # 2 Who are the only two players to play at least 500 games for the Houston Astros and Atlanta Braves?

(Answers below)

The commercials are also classic. Randy Johnson trying to sell cars for Van Chevolet....Vince Young's mother sitting on a couch waxing poetic about furniture....and you can't forget a occasional Jack in the Box, Hardee's, and In 'N Out Burger ads. The only broadcast that's difficult to take is the Chicago White Sox duo....I haven't heard applause yet but the cheering for Guillen's squad is ridiculous. It's a good thing those clowns won't be doing Rutgers basketball broadcasts.

Answer to trivia:

#1 Dave Winfield (1973) and Dave Roberts (1972)

#2 Denis Menke and Rafael Ramirez

The latter of whom I overlooked during my most recent trek to Cooperstown for the Demarco bachelor party. The wedding is only a week away.....and I'm looking forward to meeting Al Toon, Jeff Lageman, Woodrow Johnson, Wesley Walker, and Richard Todd at the affair.

Plus, I'll get to see B. Peterman for the 3rd time in three months. I'm starting to think that kid has moved back to Jersey and hasn't told me yet.

A full report to come....along with the Top 5 Reason It SUCKS to Live with the Sandman.

Just kidding....I don't feel like being put at catcher for our next Sunday softball tilt.

Big Frown

Everyone and their uncle thought Big Brown was going to win the Belmont and the Triple Crown. I understand it makes for a great story especially when this country is down like it is. Plus, there's nothing more comical than a certain "columnist emeritus" waxing poetic about a "whorsh's ash" on national TV.

But there are some reasons why I was rooting against the horse with a name that makes me think more about dropping a batch than racing:

• These are horses, people. The only thing they care about is eating and dumping. I wasn't looking forward to a week's worth of stories about this horse on every news magazine and channel. How many "Big Brown: The Run to Racing's Elite" tales would we need? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather stare at Big Brown's brownskies than Paul Pierce in a wheelchair on SI next week, but that would dominate the coverage and we can't have that.

• There's the other side of horse racing that few hear about. For those who have a strong stomach), check out last month's Real Sports about "Hidden Horses". I'm no animal rights protestor but that story was difficult to watch. Who knows if Da Tara wasn't going to be sent to the "Meat Man"?

• Do I really need to see the UPS guy drawing a horse delivering packages overnight during breaks of baseball games for the next 3 months? Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if this woman was in the ads....

• Last, and definitely not least....it was nice to see Rick Dutrow, Jr. put his foot in his mouth. He guaranteed victory...played up the Triple Crown and then didn't even speak to the media afterward. I'm glad this jackass didn't maximize his potential. If you have a chance, check out Steve Politi's column.

Lions and Tiger and Nats (Oh My) PART II

I apologize for the longest intermission in blog history....a history of maybe 6 years??? But if George Lucas can make us wait a decade for a Star Wars flick, two months should be ok for the second half of my trip.

So we left off at Wrigley Field and headed back toward U.S. Cellular Field for the second half of the Chi/NY double dip. No where had I seen a fan base with a greater inferiority complex than the White Sox supporters. All the fans I spoke with enjoyed ripping Cubs fans than focusing on that day's contest against the Yankees at 7:11 (a time set because of a deal with 18 that was for about half of a million dollars).

Tip to those looking to meet Asian women.....go to the ballpark when Chien-Ming Wang pitches. I thought I was going to see white rice on the menu when I strolled into the park.

The ballpark was nice and just felt like the largest of the stadiums we visited. Green seemed to be the dominant color inside the place. I ordered a Chicago style mini pizza (not too impressive)

We sat in the left field bleachers and struck up a conversation with a White Sox fan in his late 60s. The gentleman unloaded his attacks on Cubs fans from 30 mins before the first pitch through the final inning. Among the other sights for the 25,012 fans at U.S. Cellular...

• The ejection of a fan for throwing a Bobby Abreu homerun back onto the field. And I thought this was embraced in Chi-town.
  
  
• Met up with Larry, a cat who my friend Rich befriended at the World Series in 2005. His recommendation to visit a food stand for a porkchop sandwich in the heart of Chicago was appreciated but passed up when we were told that we should bring $10 for the meal and a loaded gun for defense. Stories like this one didn't exactly add to my desire to consume pork in the middle of the war zone at 11 p.m.
  
  
  
• A kid named Timmy, who was no more than 14 years old threw out the first pitch. Do I need to send a letter to the stadiums to gain this honor? Or just have to have a relative with a six figure salary and season tickets to hook me up?

• A very drunk White Sox fan tossing an empty plastic bottle at our section (most likely me because of my Yankees garb) as he exited in the 7th inning. I'm assuming he was on his way for a porkchop sandwich.
  

With ARod out of the lineup due to the injury that would cost him a month's worth of games, the Yankees got HRs from Johnny Damon and Bobby Abreu and won 9-5 (insert Dolly Parton song here).

Exhausted from the back to back games, we immediately went to the Radisson hotel and crashed for 6 hours. Our next goal was waking up early (a task complicated slightly by the lack of a wake up call from the front desk). Fortunately, Mr. Becht got us up early enough to catch the flight to Detroit.

With about 3 hours to kill, we headed to Ann Arbor and met up with Ondeadlin and B. Peterman for a very tasty lunch at Zingerman's (the deli names don't get more Hebraic than that). It was my first trip to The Great Lakes state and I was shocked at how nice the University of Michigan campus was. That didn't change my disdain for that institution's athletic program (it ranks in a tie with JoePa U and Seton Hall for most hated schools of higher learning).

My goal of dropping a batch at midfield of Michigan Stadium was foiled by a construction worker, who informed us that we would not be permitted into the stadium due to renovations of the stands and press box. Instead, I strolled into Crisler and did my deed in one of the bathrooms.

As Josh and I walked through the arena, we spotted this banner and I shot in honor of my Seton Hall friends...

Josh's future brother in law lived in Windsor, Canada and we drove up to meet him and transport him to Comerica Park for game #5: Texas Ranger at Detroit Tigers. I had left the country only once in my life....and I don't know if a spring break trek to Cancun really counts. That city was more Americanized than some parts of Oak Tree Road in Iselin. The border partol was not up for comedy. No jokes, no smiles, no studdering. I'd rather clean toilets and have to be Hank Steinbrenner's personal assistant than take their jobs. One guy in front of us was interrogated for about 15 minutes and had his vehicle searched closer than a Columbian mule at Miami airport.

I answered all of the guard's questions to the best of my ability ("Where are you going?" "How do you know these people?" "Where are you from?" "Why can't baseball prosper in Montreal?" "What do you think this nasty rash is on my inner thigh?")

We were hoping B. Peterman could join us for the game but he had a conflict and couldn't make it. Hopefully, we'll have another chance to do shtick when I attempt to see all of the football stadiums and visit Ford Field in about 30 years. Comerica Park was surprisingly nice. Anyone you talked to about the ballpark didn't have much positive to say about it. Actually, their focus was more on the surrounding city and the unsafe neighborhood. I really liked Comerica. It really had something for everyone.....a ferris wheel and carousel for kids and margarita bar for adults. The place felt very open and the people who worked there were extremely pleasant. In centerfield was a display of two cars in the air and a General Motors water fountain. Anything for a dollar.

Thanks to each team's AWFUL pitching, the game was one of the most high scoring I have ever seen. Celebrating Curtis Granderson's first game since coming off the DL, Detroit dropped an 11-spot on Texas in the sixth inning to cruise to a 19-6 victory.

Incidentally, I saw a fan in the stands dressed in a FULL Granderson uniform. Pants, uniform, stirrups, shoes....the works. That takes "hard core" to another level.

We had fantastic seats for this game...about 20 rows behind home plate (thank you Stubhub) and I felt this was our best chance to get a souvenir. And I was right. Sort of.

Ivan Rodriguez fouled a ball back toward our section and I saw it coming down directly above us. The ball slammed into the seat in front of me and the battle began. One fan jumped over the seat and I made an attempt by sticking my head into the mix. Big mistake. About 10 seconds after the ball ended up in the seat, this meathead in front of me slammed his head into mine. I thought my dome piece was going to end up rolling down the aisle. The ball somehow shot up and landed in the seat next to me. Still confused and in obvious pain, I watched as the fan behind me leaned over to snatch my prize.

So close. I was empty handed and spent the next 3 hours trying to answer the ringing phone in my head. Of course, there was no one on the other line.

We were done with the midwest and took a plane back to BWI for the final game: New York Mess at Washington Nationals.

This is the newest ballpark and has potential, but it's not there yet. Across the way from the stadium is a mall that should be completed in 2 years. Much like every other ballpark, Nationals Park is in a very bad section of town. Since the majority of fans are required to use mass transportation to the ballpark, it would be difficult to tell....if it weren't for the incompetent people running the place. I waited in line for 20 minutes for a hot dog and had my ticket checked almost EVERY time I walked into my section. Now, normally I wouldn't have a problem with that and would champion this policy....but we were two of about 20 people in the ENTIRE centerfield bleachers! Lady, if we were going to sneak into a section....this was NOT the one to do it. One of the workers had a good way to lure people into the gift shop. He stood outside on the warm day and screamed out, "FREE A/C!"

Memo to fans thinking of attending a Nats game....do NOT sit in sections 138-143. You see, the major feature of this ballpark is the HUGE HDTV scoreboard in centerfield. Well, when Josh ordered the tickets, he was not aware that those sections had NO view of that scoreboard. NONE.....Not even a corner. It was like the whole ballpark got invited to the party and we were forced to wait outside. As much as a Nationals game is a party, I guess. All of the replays, interviews, stats, etc. were missed because of our seats.

We were right next to the Nats bullpen, which featured Chad Cordero, Jon Rauch and about 8 others who probably belonged in the Atlantic League. Few of the fans had many harsh comments for Rauch, a 6-11 reliever who was covered in tattoos. Prior to the game, a ball landed in the Nationals bullpen and I, wearing my Yankees hat, was too far over to reach it. Since we were the only people in the vicinity at the time, I asked one of the field attendants to throw me the ball. After missing out in Detroit, this would be my only chance to take home a ball. The cat had a witty response to my request:

"You're wearing the wrong hat."

As pissed as I was, it was a crafty response by a man who was about to watch his squad lose about 90 more games.

The fans in Washington BLEW. Not because they were jerks but because they were not into the game. A family of 4 sat directly behind us......the father had headphones in his ears. Thinking he was listening to the game, I asked him how the baseball broadcast was.

"Broadcast? I'm listening to National Public Radio."

This would not have been accepted at Yankee Stadium. Heck, that would have been frowned upon in most Little League parks.

The family's older daughter was focused on completing her social studies homework and the younger girl was trying to overcome the agony of learning that Brian Schneider wasn't in the starting lineup.

"But he's the best!" The best Schneider in baseball, maybe. Maybe. (My apologies to Toronto's John Schneider).

The stadium was quiet (probably helping the girl study more efficiently than the public library) and there were a TON of no shows. Other than a fan who was riding Ryan Church for 3 innings, the fans didn't have much emotion. Behind home plate there were approximately 6 sections that were almost completely empty for the majority of the game.

The game wasn't bad. About a decade after being called one of college basketball's biggest busts at St. John's, Felipe Lopez (yes, I know it's not him) had a grand slam to rally Washington past the Mess 10-5.

So that was my trip. I would do it all over again if I could. We may do a Boston/Philly/NY trip or Pittsburgh/Cleveland/Cincy trip next. Who knows?

Trip by the numbers

12,000 Approximate number of no shows at Mets/Nationals game. Must have been a kick-ass party on Capitol Hill that night. Or even a crappy party would have done it.

8 Number of really obese dudes on the Miller Brewing Company Tour that I was shocked made it the entire walking distance (it must have been the lure of free tastes at the end...like a mouse trying to find its cheese).

$7.50 Cost of most expensive beer on the trip (at Nationals Park). I guess watching that brand of baseball increases demand and the prices.

5 Colleges we visited or drove past (Michigan, Marquette, Wisconsin-Milwaukee, DePaul, and DeVry....does that even count??? Still, the DU football team is undefeated.)

3.6 Amount of pounds gained by yours truly on the entire trip

2 Number of ads for colleges spotted inside baseball stadiums (University of Toledo in Comerica Park and University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee in Miller Park).

2 Number of first pitches thrown by boys who were teenagers or younger who were probbably sons of wealthy season ticket holders (isn't this supposed to be some HUGE honor???)

1 Number of Orioles hats seen in all of Washington D.C. (that includes Nats Park)

0: Number of about 2,000 Asian fans seen outside U.S. Cellular sitting in the bleachers at White Sox game.

Lions and Tigers and Nats! (Oh my!) PART I

For people in my generation (and generations before and after mine), baseball has always been a direct link to our father and their fathers and his father (maybe not that far back...you get the point). So, I have always wondered what it would be like to do a ballpark vacation. You hear about these from time to time....someone drops everything and does a trip to as many different ballparks as possible.

It's almost like Halloween when the old lady down the street opens a jar of unwrapped candy and says, "Take whatever you can put in your hands." Always at a disadvantage because I had the smallest hands in the neighborhood (which still probably is true today), I'd take a dozen or so and throw them back in my sack. Not that any of this mattered, because I was forced to throw the candy out due to the constant fear created by parents, teachers, media, Mad Magazine, etc. that unwrapped candy would all be poisoned and you'd get sick and probably die.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, as an adult, my candy is baseball. I watch the baseball package more than almost any other channels on tv and get chills on Opening Day (especially when it's 40 degrees and raining). My friend JBecht and I were considering a vacation earlier this year, we bypassed someplace tropical for a tour of 6 ballparks in 5 days for our love of the sport (and the fact that going someplace nice would cost double of this ballpark tour).

We plotted out the plan...I'd drive to his place in Maryland and we'd hit Yankees at Orioles (Apr. 20), fly to Milwaukee for Cardinals at Brewers (Apr. 21), drive to Chicago for an unusual NY doubleheader Mets at Cubs and Yankees at ChiSox (Apr. 22), fly to Detroit for Rangers at Tigers (Apr. 23), and fly back to JBecht's for the Metro ride to Washington and taken in Mets at Nationals (Apr. 24).

Two Mets games and two Yankees games. The ideal "Mancation" as JBecht would say.

So here's Part I of the recap of our adventure, which started Sunday April 20th.

Game # 1 N.Y. Yankees at Baltimore Orioles

The clouds looked ominous and generally, we were a tad fearful about this game getting played. For those who are aware of my status in F Squad, the worst case scenario of getting each of our six games rained out wasn't just a possibility....it is HIGHLY probable. Guess who wasn't at Opening Day for the Yankees due to a rainout (that was more like a drizzle-out) this year?






Luckily, our game was played and the seats were in a decent location. We were covered (for the time being) and 2 sections back from 3rd base.

Heading into the tour, Oriole Park at Camden Yards has been my favorite ballpark. There's not a bad seat in the house and always something to do (whether it be taking in the sun or heckling half of the players on the roster who are about as recognized as the Iraqi ambassador to the UN), especially when it's nice out.

Nick Markakis is a god down there. Looking at that roster, there's not much else to praise. Adam Jones, who made 3 outstanding grabs in centerfield, is a star in the making, but playing in the AL East makes it a difficult road for Pete Angelos (the fans don't make it easier for PAngelos@laughingstock.net).

New Ravens coach Jim Harbaugh threw out the first pitch. Figuring that this would be the first of 6 celebrities who would throw out the first ball, I got the camera ready for each first toss. It was one of few disappointments on this trip....especially when some 10 year old named Timmy hurled out the first ball at U.S. Cellular Field.

We had to wait out a rain delay that lasted approximately 35 minutes. That gave us a chances to move 5 rows from the field and get a closer view of the players and one guy who was using a napkin as his umbrella. I guess the dollar store was closed.

Final Result: Behind a homer from Johnny Damon and seven innings of scoreless ball from Andy Pettitte, the Yankees win 7-1. ARod injures his quad running to first base and misses the rest of the week to the delight of Mess and Red Sox fans everywhere.

Game # 2 St. Louis Cardinals at Milwaukee Brewers.

We landed in Milwaukee and went straight to the hotel. Mr. Lozo mentioned this bar called 4th Base, which was 2 blocks from where we were staying and we headed there for lunch. The bar was featured in Major League and is a small but nice dive about a 15 minute walk from the park. Plenty of pictures line the walls from throughout baseball. I had a grilled salmon caesar salad as Joe D stared at me from the side wall.

We quickly made our way to the Miller Brewing Company tour (or hour-long advertisement for Miller beers) where free tastes awaited the end of the hour-long trip.


We were done with Miller Time. It was off to the hotel and then the game.

I never thought so many Brewers fans existed in this world. We went to Miller Park about 90 mins before the game started and strolled around the outside of the park. I met the polish sausage, which eventually won the Sausage Race inside the park. When I first walked up to get a picture, it went after my Yankees hat and tried to throw it off my head. I must admit, I was not in the mood to "beat the meat" but if it had to be done, then so be it. Eventually, the sausage stood still and allowed me to take a shot.

Prior to coming to the game, the roof was open, but the powers that be opted to shut it despite the decent weather and no sign of rain. That was a little bit disappointing. I'm assuming the people in the Brewers glass booth are the clowns who use umbrellas despite no rain or clouds in the skies.

Final Result: Relief pitcher Derrick Turnbow self destructs as the Cardinals rally for a 4-3 victory. In what seems to be a new change in the Major Leagues, both teams had their pitchers batting 8th. The move seems to hurt Milwaukee, which had pitcher Chaz Villanueva batting with two on in the second inning. With 9th hitter Jason Kendall on deck, Villanueva struck out to keep the game scoreless. Kendall doubled to lead off the third inning.

Line of the game: "Turnbow, you make me so mad, I want to punch a baby!" -- angry Brewers fan after the former closer allowed the go-ahead run in a diasterous 9th inning for St. Louis.

Josh and I stopped at the Potawotami Casino, where I dropped about $60 in 15 minutes. Didn't see many of the Native Americans that I figured this money was going to....I did see more old people with oxygen tanks and wheelchairs.....I was also thankful that smoking isn't allowed indoors in New Jersey.

It was not the most desirable experience and I wish I could have that time back. The highlight was seeing this large man with a Hideo Nomo Brewers jersey in the parking deck.

I didn't have a chance to ask him if he ate paste as a kid.

Game # 3 New York Mess at Chicago Cubs.

After making the 94 mile drive to Chicago and parking at US Cellular Field, we took the train and headed toward Wrigley. There were plenty of clowns, shills and yahoos aboard the vessel.....if I ever wanted to try a stand-up comedy act, there was plenty of material.

Please keep in mind, we were SURROUNDED by people in Mess jerseys.

Among the stupid/annoying comments:

1) "You guys going to the game?" -- man who seemed to have difficulty with his eyes and a nasty odor coming from a hidden oreface.

2) "You from New York?" I have to remind you I was wearing a Yankees hat and a big ass sign that read "HI! I'M FROM NEW JERSEY!" OK maybe I didn't have the sign....

3) "Hey New York! That's where the Bronx Zoo is, right? I haven't been there in a long time. Do they still have animals there? What about the Mouse House? Is the Mouse House still part of the zoo? I liked the World of Darkness. Is that a David Wright jersey? Did you know the "W" is silent in "Wright"? Mouse House. Mouse House. World of Darkness!" -- a guy in a dark green trenchcoat who I was convinced needed a straitjacket and heavy doses of sedatives....and a vasectomy.

4) Does heavy breathing and staring count as a comment?

Eventually, we arrived at the Addison station. I almost wish there was a shower nearby or at least that white cleansing powder the military uses to remove the remnants of that ride.

Filthy.

I enjoyed the neighborhood that surrounded Wrigley. Two things were everywhere: ticket brokers looking to unload seats to this "SOLD OUT" game and enough Kosuke Fukudome gear to clothe the Southern half of Africa (and I'm counting animals as well). Headbands (for $10), t-shirts (for $20), chopsticks, signs, used condoms.....anything you can imagine. I'm not sure if it's 1) a Japanese/cultural thing, 2) the fact he's a pretty good player and breath of fresh air or 3) his last name sounds like the same word uttered by most Cubs fans in September.

After stopping at the Cubby Bear for a taste and making an appearance on the Cub World cam (the picture to the right was MY view of the cam), I tried to sell off my extra Cubs tickets. With about 8,000 tickets on the street, there was a better shot of Chris Farley in his Ditka Fan outfit meeting me by the bleacher entrance than someone accepting my price of $1 for 2 tickets.

When we entered the ballpark, I was surprised that the ramps leading up to our seats went OVER other fans' seats. Not something I was used to. And the thought of dropping some phlegm on a dude did cross my mind.

We headed to our seats in section 529, Row 5 and watched Minette Goodman (left) throw out the first pitch. WTF?!?!?!? Some 80-year-old non-entity gets the honor this time?

But we must move on.

Josh dropped one of his 300 batches in the trip in a Wrigley bathroom -- a feat that almost caused me to call 20/20 to them them do an exclusive report. One look at the troughs would make me forget about checking out the toilets.

For those who are keeping score at home, former Cubs and Phillies player Doug Glanville did Take Me Out to the Ballgame.

Final result: I feel bad for Mess fans who are hoping for that first World Series title in 22 years. In the two games I saw on this trip, the bullpen had more holes than a golf course in Milwaukee (they love that cheese in Wisconsin). Jorge Sosa made Ronny Cedeno look like an all-star, surrendering an eighth inning grand slam in an 8-1 Cubs victory. Hey Cubs fans....maybe this is the year!

And maybe the Jets have a chance at a title, too. Good luck with that.

My one regret....not heading to the 18 that Joe Pendleton recommended. I saw it, but in my haste for a t-shirt for my 6-year-old niece that was priced under $25, I totally forgot about it.

Even though I haven't reported on the South Side of Chicago, Detroit and Washington (still to come), here are my rankings of the parks from the trip

1. Comerica Park, Detroit. This place had it all....family entertainment (ferris wheel and carousel), a good diversity of food and beverages, and knowledgable fans. Only downside was the outside neighborhood. Homeless people begging for change are about as common as losses for the Tigers in the early part of this decade. Sample food items: funnel cake, sushi, sausage sandwich.

2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore. I've always been a big fan of this place. The place has a nice historic touch with plenty of openings from which you can watch the game. If you want to take a stroll around the outfield, you can still see what's going on in the game. I had a chance to take a tour of the place last May, and I highly recommend it. One interesting feature...there's a dry erase board inside the front office hallways with both team's starting lineups listed. The stadium staff does not erase the board until the next home game is played. So, if the Orioles host the Rays in the regular season finale, Gabe Gross' name will be hanging for all to see in mid-January. Highly exciting. Sample foot items: Pulled pork sandwich (HEY NOW!), chicken and sausage sandwiches, Old Bay sandwich (no, not really).

3. Miller Park, Milwaukee. Maybe my opinion would be different if they opened the roof for the game. The weather was in the 60s with no rain but for some reason the Cheeseheads who run the stadium thought it would be nice to leave it closed. Come on....baseball is meant to be played outdoors. The brats were delicious and there are plenty of games to keep kids interested. Outside the stadium, there are plate markings showing where each base is located to help with directions. I was shocked to see how many Brewers fans really exist in this world. Sample food items: baked potatoes, brats, kennel corn, numerous types of Miller beer.

Of course a little sausage race doesn't hurt either...

4. U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago. Something about this park screamed "BIG". The seating area seemed very high up and this was true even after the 6,600 seats were removed from the upper deck due. Fans were a mix of families and young jerkoffs who seemed to enjoy telling anyone who'd listen how much they hate the Cubs. Several Cubs hats were thrown around and numerous morons were tossed for inappropriate behavior. One guy was tossed for throwing a Yankees homerun ball back onto the field. That seemed a little harsh but I guess they still have some built up anger from having Rex Grossman (not a Jew) at QB the past several years. Sample food items: Chicago pizza, curly fries (ok....I didn't really check out the menu there....I was too into watching the clowns in the audience).

5. Wrigley Field, Chicago. Yeah, I understand the history (that's the only thing preventing a ranking at the bottom), but the park is still pretty filthy. When you walk up the ramps to get to your seat, other sections are directly underneath. So you could spit off the side as you walk toward your seat and land a nasty goober on some unsuspecting fan below. I like how the city envelopes the park and the stadium has very few advertisements (a few for Under Armor in the ivy and 3-4 small boards inside the stadium). The seats are ok, however the huge beams that lead to numerous obstructed views.....I guess these might be desirable seats if your name is Steve Bartman.

6. Nationals Park, Washington. A very nice park but the atmosphere is dead....about 70 % of the stadium was filled....and much of the six sections behind home plate were vacant even in the 4th inning. Even from the right field seats, you could have heard a pin drop (or a Lastings Miledge error). When we ordered the seats for this game, we must have missed the seating chart because the highlight of this park -- a 4,500 foot high HD scoreboard -- could not been seen from our vantage point in section 139. We were able to see Luis Ayala warmup for about 20 minutes. My guess is its a huge step up from Hiram Birthorn Stadium in Puerto Rico. VIVA EL BAYSBOL!