Big Smile!

I recently had a brief discussion with my sister in law, who swiped a can of soda away from my niece at dinner this past weekend. Her feeling was that constant intake of those types of carbonated beverages would lead to cavities, while my contention was lack of brushing and/or treks to the dentist office were more pressing concerns for looking like Mike Tyson by age 19.

My siblings and I were very fortunate to make regular trips to the dentist. It was more than just a checkup....we went to see Dr. Steinberg, an older fellow with eyebrows reminescent of Abe Vigoda in Look Who's Talking. You'd stare at them and wonder if Tarzan was going to swing through the window, latch onto his eyebrows and save me from the agony of the picking of my teeth.

(And while I'm on the topic....Abe Vigoda....dead or alive? No checking imdb.com and cheating, people)

We loved Dr. Steinberg (or as my grandmother used to call him, "Dr. Steinmets"...but to this day, we have no idea why) and he was almost like the crazy uncle we never had. It might have been his humorous but highly inappropriate jokes, where all ethnic groups weren't safe (equality of ripping was encouraged...along with a timely payment of services rendered) or the vast assortment of "Mad" and "Highlights" magazines he had in his waiting room. Does stealing Mad magazines from a doctor's office count as theft? I mean, he was attributing to the literacy of at least one young person.

Just wondering....

The walls looked like they were straight out of the 1970s with a nasty tree pattern that didn't make the experience much more delightful. And who could forget the special times I spent with Mr. Thirsty, the curved white suction-like apparatus that drained my mouth of saliva, nose phlegm and various other liquids around my tongue. It may have been my first attempt at impressions, as I turned this dentist's instrument into my own portable Darth Vader breathing machine. Oh to be age 6 again.

So where am I going with this? Great question. I think of all of the really bad crap I consumed as a child (candy, soda, etc.) and am shocked I didn't have a cavity until my early 20s. The one food product that I loved was cereal. The box bragged about how it was LOADED in vitamins and all this other healthy stuff. What 5 year old really cared about that? For me and for millions of other kids, it was all about taste. Looking back, I am wondering how all of my teeth didn't fall out with the brands I ate on a regular basis:

Cookie Crisp: How can this really be packaged as "cereal"? It was mini COOKIES! While walking through a local Pathmark with E, I saw Cookie Crisp and almost bought a box. Adjacent to that box was Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp with even MORE chocolate. Is this really necessary? Why not just make Coccaine Crisp? Small pieces of crack loaded with all the nutrients needed to get through the day. If you think kids have an ADHD problem now....just wait until we break that brand out.

Lucky Charms: This cereal may have tasted good but it really did a lot to tear apart families. What do I mean by that? Well, my mom went shopping every Sunday morning. She'd open the garage and put about 300 bags filled with groceries on the kitchen floor. I would pretend to help but would be more focused on my ultimate goal: finding the Lucky Charms. Yes, I was a real life leprechaun (maybe that's why I never reached the 5-foot-7 mark). You see, if I grabbed the box before my brother did, I could clean out all of the marshmallows and leave him with the oat-like crap. And there was nothing tastier than the crunchy marshmallows in a new box of LC (which ironically are my brother's initials but he didn't have a shot to get first swipe at this cereal). I won't even get into the effect this cereal had on me running around my neighborhood looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Instant wealth = not happening.

Count Chocula: This was one of my brother's favorites. I liked it not only for the marshmallows but the amazing magic caused when milk was added to a bowl of CC. The cereal was pure chocolate and the milk turned from bland milk to chocolate milk! I was mini-David Copperfield (without the looks or ability to make the Statue of Liberty disappear)! The cartoon in the commercial was kind of frightening and I was a little upset my purchases would be going toward a shady, turd-looking guy in a dungeon but the taste took care of that. It's amazing how much one's taste buds can cause you to go evil.

Frosted Flakes: Come on, Tony the Tiger. You've got a good product....but GRRRRRRR-EAT? I think not.

Fruit Loops/Trix: These cereals kind of fall under the same unbrella -- both hard and fruity (kinda like Richard Simmons). I really felt bad for the rabbit who was made to starve as the kids constantly prevented him from eating the round balls of enjoyment. If I ever turned into an animal rights activist, this could have been looked at as a turning point. Just once can you let the poor rabbit eat?? It was almost like letting Charlie Brown kick the damn football. Can't you see what a mess this kid's life is? And you're making it worse by teasing him and not allowing him to boot the football? This explains the root of all bullying.

Now, as an adult I'm forced to go with the Raisin Bran/Special K/Grape Balls, etc. brands. Not as good as I had as a kid, but as long as sugar is in the top 3 ingredients, then I'm good to go.

FYI, Abe Vigoda....still alive and kicking.

I'm a little frightened to know what his eyebrows look like now.