What's in Store for Ought-9?

We've crossed the bridge from 2008 into 2009 and most people are happy about the change. Yeah, the ecomony is in the dumps and people are depressed (and it's not because Kelly Pickler sent people into seizures during Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve) but there's nothing like wiping the slate clean and trying to screw up another year!

So....here it is.....the Joker's Predictions for 2009.

The New York Knicks will finish 10 games under .500 and fans will rejoice due to the progress. No, not the wins-loss record but the fact the head coach didn't try to kill himself in the process.

Trying to get public sentiment on his side, George W. Bush starts hanging around Bernie Madoff. After eliminating term limits on his final day in office, Bush's approval rates inprove dramatically and he starts his campaign for President in 2012.

Some marketing genius will dominate the sandwich market with a $4.99 footlong (along with a catchy jingle that will terrorize adults in their sleep).

Plaxico Burress starts a sweatpants-making company. All sweatpants come in one color (red) and have 10 pockets to store any and all loose items.

USC will dominate Penn State 38-24 in the Rose Bowl, bringing people to question if the Big 10 is truly overrated. (Had to make sure I got one of these right).


Despite the loss, Joe Paterno signs a 10-year deal to coach Penn State. In his contract is a clause that states, "Should Mr. Paterno die, he should be held up by a graduate assistant (ala Weekend at Bernie's) and serve as the figurehead for the squad until his contract expires or he is cloned."

ARod breaks up with Madonna for good and begins dating Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and Lita Ford (not necessarily in that order)

Brett Favre opts to play another season for the Jets. One of the New York newspapers put the "F" word in a headline. Some people are upset but most feel it's warranted.

March 14, 2009: LocalShill and Mrs. Shill give birth to a happy and healthy baby boy. "Derek Favre Shill" weighs 7-lbs., 10-ounces and ends the year with his first words "Boeheim sucks" Mrs. Shill is not amused.

In an effort to get people to watch the NHL, Gary Bettman sends checks to sports fans throughout the country. Thinking they are rebate checks from the US Government, fans use them to purchase DirecTv units so they can purchase the NFL package in the fall. NHL folds.

The economy sinks even deeper, leading the government to bailout every living citizen (and a few pets who can pass key obedience tests).

Rod Blagojevich steps down and is blackballed from political office. He creates his own line of children's dolls that become the hottest gifts for Christmas 2009. All dolls, of course, are made from the former governor's real hair.

Adults are polled in May 2009 and asked, "Who is Sarah Palin?" Most common responses: "Isn't she the chick from 40 Rock?" and "Who? Get out of my face, chump!"

The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl....OK, maybe that's not too realistic....the Lions win the NFC North....OK, the Lions have a winning record....OK, the Lions win their Thanksgiving game. Yeah, not a good call. How about the Lions field a team (of course, they're coached by Shaquille White, an 18-year-old high school graduate who has never coached a game in his life but does dominate in "coach" mode in Madden 2008 for Playstation 2. His biggest selling points....a salary of less than $40,000 and back-to-back wins over the Packers.

My retirement account loses $5k but that's looked as an improvement. The Joker is more than thrilled.

The American Idol competition is won by Billy Idol (which makes sense). He is promptly dethroned for showing up drunk on the summer tour and singing a new version of "Mony Mony", which he calls "Horny, Horny" and sells millions of copies on iTunes.

And on that note....Hope everyone has a great 2009!