RU Screw

("Hey Bob, which finger did they use for your prostate exam?")

During my career as a play-by-play annoucer for State U, there were few constants in the athletic department.

Losing was one of those things with which I grew accustomed (and a major reason I blame for my premature hair loss). The soccer and baseball teams made the only regular NCAA appearances, which brought about as much excitement to campus as the addition of a new bench on College Avenue or a new "Fat" sandwich from one of the grease trucks. (Fat Cat is one thing, but did the world really need a Fat Moon, Fat Sal, Fat John, Fat Chris or Fat Kiko?)

The football team was a joke.....to put things in perspective, an overtime loss to Pittsburgh was a bright spot, and the basketball teams combined for four times as many coaches as NCAA appearances. I saw two athletic directors and so many recruits were academic casulaties that you could have fielded another team with the players lost to Mr. Shea, Mr Graber, Mr. Wenzel, Mr. Bannon, and Mr. Magoo....no wait, he may have been the most successful of the bunch.

The names changed but the results still remained the same.

One of those other constants from that woeful era was just shown the door last week. After being relieved of his duties as football play-by-play guy early in the Greg Schiano era, Rutgers announcer Bruce Johnson was shown the door and "relieved of his duties" last week.

Now, when I think of being "relieved", I usually think of heading to the urinal and draining excess fluids from my body. That's not much different than what Rutgers did to Bruce.

I'm not going to say I was a huge fan of Bruce's work. He made some mistakes here, and there but who doesn't? John Sterling makes more than his share, and he still has a job. Even during the most miserable seasons, Bruce never tore apart the Scarlet Knights on the air and was always a professional...at least he was ON the air. He did a solid job, but that's not good enough for Rutgers. State U is always hungrier for more positive PR. In steps WFAN's Chris Carlin. Carlin, who after doing all of the dirty work for years as producer of the Mike and the Mad Dog Show, has been in the right place at the right time, has done a decent job with the Rutgers football broadcasts but what experience does he have doing Rutgers hoops games? Does he have ANY historical knowledge? Will he be able to say "Dick, I'll see you in Morgantown" as well as Bruce?

The move is more proof that's there is no loyalty anywhere anymore. If Rutgers wants a greater presence in the tri-state area, just win more games. It's not about hiring a fat dude whose resume includes hosting the award winning Beer Money, where Carlin gives $10 to random people for knowing who plays shortstop for the Mets. Is the broadcast going to improve by a guy screaming, "It's a Ruckus at the RAC!" if Rutgers beats Louisville by 1 at home?

Even when all things are considered, the biggest loser here isn't Bruce. It's the Rutgers dining service....get those second and third helpings ready at in the media room!

ZING!

Now for a new feature to And What Can I Tell You.....my Top 5 List (why only 5? Because I don't want to set the bar too high with 10).

Top 5 Reasons It's Great to Live with The Sandman

5. Softball on Sundays -- About 5 years ago, the Sandman introduced me to Sunday softball in Union. It boasts one of the wackiest array of characters...almost like a Middle Eastern UN....while still providing an athletic boost to my week. Legends like Local Shill, Joe Pendleton, Jersey Girl and I believe even Mr. Lozo have made appearances. Even though I might not make another appearance until 2009 due to family/wedding/bachelor party obligations, it's a highly entertaining alternative to church (not that I'll be going there anytime soon). Best of all, the Sandman will be glad to see this as an advertisement to those in the Union Twp. area to come on down and bring a glove!

4. Harry Updates -- For those of you who worked for Bridgewater's largest newspaper (but maybe not for much longer), it's a common ritual for alumni to ask current employees, "How's Harry." As my only daily link to the C-N, it's a plus to get regular updates from the Sandman.

3. CD Library -- The Sandman has a music library that rivals most of the libraries throughout the state. You want Metallica's first album? Are you craving to hear Journey on tape? Looking for the latest song by Fee ("All Because of Jesus") or the most recent tune by Casting Crowns ("Every Man")? Are you in the midst of a sexual crisis and are DYING for some Indigo Girls on your iPod? The Sandman probably has it.

2. Housing money. Yeah, this should be number one but I didn't feel like feeding the stereotype faced by those within my tribe.

1. Baseball package -- This may be the greatest thing on television and I have the Sandman to thank for sharing this with me. Without the MLB Extra Innings plan, I'd miss out on those key moments of those Washington Nationals/Pittsburgh Pirates affairs. For example, I tuned into the Padres/DBacks game tonight and Joe Garragiola was doing color for the game. I hadn't heard that cat since the NBC Game of the Week about 20 years ago. Some of Joe's more memorable quotes from the broadcast:

"When you look at (Kevin) Kouzmanoff, it makes me think of a Russian spy."

"I look at this guy (Chase) Headley and can't help but think about 'Blazing Saddles.' "

"Arrrrrrrggggh!" (After D-Bags pitcher Doug Davis threw a wild pitch)

You don't get this kind of insight from watching highlights on Sportscenter.

Best of all, I get to catch AFLAC trivia questions from each broadcast. For those of you who only got the Mets/Phillies game on July 5th, you missed these questions....

• # 1 In the 1970s, which two Padres draft picks went right to the major leagues?

• # 2 Who are the only two players to play at least 500 games for the Houston Astros and Atlanta Braves?

(Answers below)

The commercials are also classic. Randy Johnson trying to sell cars for Van Chevolet....Vince Young's mother sitting on a couch waxing poetic about furniture....and you can't forget a occasional Jack in the Box, Hardee's, and In 'N Out Burger ads. The only broadcast that's difficult to take is the Chicago White Sox duo....I haven't heard applause yet but the cheering for Guillen's squad is ridiculous. It's a good thing those clowns won't be doing Rutgers basketball broadcasts.

Answer to trivia:

#1 Dave Winfield (1973) and Dave Roberts (1972)

#2 Denis Menke and Rafael Ramirez

The latter of whom I overlooked during my most recent trek to Cooperstown for the Demarco bachelor party. The wedding is only a week away.....and I'm looking forward to meeting Al Toon, Jeff Lageman, Woodrow Johnson, Wesley Walker, and Richard Todd at the affair.

Plus, I'll get to see B. Peterman for the 3rd time in three months. I'm starting to think that kid has moved back to Jersey and hasn't told me yet.

A full report to come....along with the Top 5 Reason It SUCKS to Live with the Sandman.

Just kidding....I don't feel like being put at catcher for our next Sunday softball tilt.