What a past five days it's been.

The school job finished and camp started today. For my transition, I gave myself a little vacation/bachelor party to Las Vegas. We stayed at the Mandalay Bay and a good time was had by all. A few things happened on the trip that make my list of the most annoying things of all time...

1. I never understand this one: You press the button for UP on the elevator and are waiting patiently. Then some other yahoo strolls over, SEES the button is lit and presses it anyway. Like the thing is going to shoot down faster for this bastard in the preppy Lacoste shirt? This is the MANDALAY BAY, jerkoff! There are probably like a dozen people on the thing. Go take your lavish bank account and play the nickel slots.

2. Or the genius who sees you in the elevator holding the button that keeps the elevator open and he STILL puts his arm across the doors to prevent them from closing. Do you think I'm pushing this button to keep it in place? And these doors close so slowly, you're not going to get crushed. Still, if you do it won't matter. That's one less jerkoff in the world.

The trip was a good time. I joined a couple of friends at the rumjungle on Thursday night. There were about 40 people hanging out. As I walked to the other side of the club, I spotted the legendary Alan Thicke drinking and smoking in the VIP section. I know the guy must be pushing 70 or so but he looked pretty good for a guy who can take money out of his IRA. I think it helped that he was with a broad who was probably in her mid to late 20s. I'm sure Maggie Seaver isn't happy about that.

The other celebrity sighting occurred hours after I scored three of a kind in 3-card poker at the Mandalay Bay. With the $450 payout in my wallet, I noticed a short man walk past me. I immediately noticed him as middleweight boxer Winky Wright. Not that I'm a HUGE boxing fan but he is my favorite fighter. I watched him notch a draw with Jermain Taylor a few weeks back. And he may be listed as 5-11 but I'd be shocked if he was more than 5-9. EVEN I could almost see the top of his head.

Winky (and I don't know if I'd go with that as a name if I was a boxer....it's not manly enough.....I might go with Thumpy or Wee Wee or Shnookums) was at a craps table with more "bling bling" than Kay Jewelers. I wanted to get a picture with him but he was way into his craps game. Plus his two security guards, two pit bosses and two casino dealers kind of scared me off.

Oh and the fact he could dismantle me with his fists probably came into play, too.

In closing....This might be the greatest column ever on espn.com. I especially enjoyed #2 Boom Goes the Dynamite. It almost makes me feel like I should have gone into broadcast journalism.

Nah.

Jersey Girl....I salute you with #6. I'm certain you'll be linking that site to your next blog.

Coke rewards up to 330.

As I headed home from work, I spotted a balloon tied to a mailbox. The balloon read "Class of 2006." I guess the people who lived there must have had a party this past weekend. And no, I wasn't invited. It's ok though.....I left a lit batch on their front doorstep.

No ill will toward them.

I guess it's pretty weird to think that we're already up to the Class of '06. I think back to my time in high school and all of the " '92" and " '93" varsity jackets and me thinking, "Damn, that's a long time away!" Well, that's still the case but in a different direction.

It's just amazing how time flies.

Hmmm....maybe I can save my varsity jacket for my great-great grandkids. I'm sure they'd be proud to have a jacket with a cool golf logo on the back and "STAT" on the side. I wasn't THAT big of a loser, thank you. I did have cross-county adorning the back side (told you I was an athlete) with a '94 in the middle.

Come to think of it.....2094....I guess that's not that far away.

I came across this story today. Nestle wants to buy Jenny Craig. That doesn't really make much sense. Isn't that like Verizon trying to sell cell phones to the National Association for the Deaf?

If a Game 7 happens and no one cares, does it still count? I think I'd rather watch Poland/Costa Rica.

My Coke Rewards.....up to 307.

We had our rival middle school softball game yesterday. Since our town has two middle schools (We'll call them Kennedy School...because it ALWAYS seems like everything in this country that was built post 1963 was named after JFK) and the Bonds Institute, our faculty (Kennedy School) played their faculty (Bonds Institute).

Why "Bonds Institute"? One look at THEIR faculty, and it was obvious drug testing doesn't apply on that side of the township.

Ok....so they spent the previous day practicing while we went about our daily lives. And yes, they had four dudes who made Carlos Delgado look like Herve Villechaize (however, not in his current state). But I still thought we had a chance. Then again, I thought Crystal Pepsi was going to be hugely successful.

One of the guys I play softball with on Sundays was on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy this week. Turns out the featured couple eloped and got married in Las Vegas. That one cat Carson that everyone knows from the show married them both. Well, I mean, he didn't marry them BOTH....it's not like the show was in Utah. And one of them was female...so, well you know where I'm going with that.

He did seem excited when they brought out a basketball court and he got to play around with the balls.

Rita Rudner was on the program, too. Good to see she's still getting work. I think I saw her on Route 22 with a "Will Work for Food" sign the other day.

My new obsession is that show 24. Yeah, I'm about 6 years behind the times. One of my students tried to sell me his iPod for $200 this week. I told him I wouldn't be able to purchase it until about 2009 or so. Time to get rid of my rotary cell phone.

I just ordered Season 4 of the program. Midway through season 3, I am convinced that it may be the greatest show ever to be shown on the airwaves. It might not be very realistic...that program has had more actors revived from the dead than a Lifetime channel film festival (That Meredith Baxter Birney just WON'T DIE!!!)

Jack Bauer might have the most dangerous job in the world.....unless we're counting middle school teacher. Five days left of school! And one week till I hit Vegas. Yes, that's trouble.

The annual 8th grade trip was held and for the first time in a while it was an overnight trip to Washington D.C.

Yours truly was approached to chaperone the trip and, well, when you don't have tenure and look at this way as the only avenue to see the country because you work almost every week of the year (teaching and summer jobs....yes, I'm the lone teacher without "summers off")...you have no choice but to decide to head off to the nation's capital.

It truly is amazing how much knowledge our young people lack when it comes to knowledge of our country.

Who are the senators from New Jersey? "No clue."

How many senators are there in the country? "Ummm....10?"

Is Washington D.C. a state? "Yeah, probably."

What's the name of 50 Cent's last CD? "You talkin' bout "The Massacre" or "Get Rich 'N Die Tryin'"? Cuz that 2nd CD is from a movie 'n (expletive)."

There's nothing more exciting than watching 160 teenagers take over a hotel and pretend that it's their own little country.

Male Student #1: Why we gotta stay in our rooms?

Chaperone: Because we want this place still standing tomorrow morning. And I don't feel like being on the front page of the newspaper.

Female Student #1: But I wants to go to (insert boy's name here)'s room.

Chaperone: Uh, no. I don't want you staring at the color pink in some pregnancy test in a few days.

I think the classic moment on the trip was at the hotel in the evening. We were responsible for taking out all the telephones before lockdown around 11 bells. One of the chaperones walked into a boys' room and this exchange occurred.

Chaperone: Could you hand me that phone?

Male student: Uh, that's not a phone. That's an alarm.

Chaperone: An alarm? That's the phone for the room.

Male student: No it's not. That's the alarm that wakes us up.

Chaperone: Ok, then where's the phone?

Male student: In the bathroom.

Chaperone: In the bathroom? I doubt it....but OK...Show me.

The student proceeded to pull the air dryer out and hand it, with cord attached to the teacher.

I guess the "High" setting means long distance.

Yes, world. We are in the trouble.

Coke Rewards up to 253. Keep them codes comin!

Whoever said there is nothing good on TV?

As I sit home and relax from another exciting day at work, I am watching the National Spelling Bee. One of the last two contestants is a young lady from the Jersey Shore. I find it humorous that her sponsor (as well as all of the sponsors) is a newspaper. Actually, it's TWO papers.....both Gannett rags....the Asbury Park Press and the Home News Tribune. Once again the C-N gets screwed.

One of the finalists just spelled Esquisse. Isn't that a magazine? Or a cake? Either way, i couldn't spell that if you gave me the letters.

Hell, I couldn't spell it if you gave me the letters IN ORDER.

"Stench"....noun......language of origin......Tillmanese.

I had a good Memorial Day weekend. Visited Doctor Carino at his abode in Mount Laurel. The man was so drunk that people were getting inebriated just inhaling his sweat particles. It's always good idea to have a school about 400 feet from that man's house. I'm sure the doctor was thrilled when the state legislature's proposed Alcohol Free School Zone was shot down.

I seem to be having difficulty putting pictures up on this lovely site. So if at times it is plain, I apologize....but I'm trying. Although I'm sure the Sandman and Mr. Pendleton are delighted I can't throw tons of pictures of NYA on this site.

Not that I would be able to throw out their uniform numbers, of course.

Coke Rewards up to 200!

I fell asleep while watching Tuesday night/Wednesday morning’s Mets tilt on that new SportsNet NY channel. When I turned on the TV the following afternoon, I saw the SNY Sportsnite program and opted to give it a try. The anchor was a guy named David Lee, who reminded me of the fat dude from that Bebe’s Kids movie.

As I watched, there was an interview with new Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer. Who was doling out the questions? None other than former Rutgers quarterback Ray Lucas. Notice I didn’t say STAR quarterback Ray Lucas. Four seasons with no bowl contests will do that to you.

Here was his interviewing style, “Yo, so you’re comin’ in here. Schottenheimer….a pretty well known name. What’s up?” That was the only question they aired. I have no idea if he gave him a high-five prior to that or told him how much of a fan he was of his work.

Don’t get me wrong, it was good to see Lucas make it to the NFL, but when I heard Lucas broadcast a Rutgers/Vanderbilt football two years ago, I almost got sick.

Rutgers rallied for a miraculous 37-34 victory at Vanderbilt. Yes, VANDERBILT. Not exactly the pinnacle of college football (then again, neither is Rutgers). While on the air, Lucas proceeded to scream and yell during the final moments. I understand he is a former player but screaming over the final call….that’s a BIG no-no in broadcasting.

Now the SNY channel gets to enjoy his professionalism.

RUMOR OF THE DAY: Looks like Joe Pendleton has been meddling in Hilary Swank's personal life. One week after their encounter, the best actress Oscar winner has decided to end her relationship with Chad Lowe. I wonder if Mrs. Pendleton is getting curious about his evenings away from home......even on off nights. Curiously.....he didn't show up for softball on Sunday. Hmmm......

My Coke Rewards.....up to 143 points. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

It wasn't the most joyful of weekends. After feeling a little weakened Friday, I got pounded with a cold that relegated me to my bed for much of the weekend. Well, maybe I shouldn't say "bed." I mean, does a mattress on the floor really constitute a "bed?" Maybe I should just call it a sleeping area.

I believe this it where I digress and go off on a "pizza store" tangent.

I tried to attend my friend Rory's 30th birthday party (I think it was 30th surprise party number 11 that I've attended) and lasted about 2 hours before I felt like I was going to need a stretcher to carry me out of the house. After going through 1.5 boxes of tissues, several tablets of Allegra-D, sudafed, and some sort of fish tranquilizer, I still felt like crap. It could have been worse....at least I didn't have a pool cue stuck up my ass.

HEY NOW!

On a similar subject, it looks like Jimmy is writing a book! For years, I had heard rumors about the fine governor sleeping around with other men (even politicians)....but I always thought it was a joke. Looks like the man was finding pleasures in houses, bars and even at rest stops.

Makes me think twice about trying that fixins bar at the Roy Rogers on the Turnpike from now on.

I think the classic line from the story linked above is this...

"The book already can be ordered on Amazon.com, which is packaging it with the gay cowboy film "Brokeback Mountain."

One missed out on an Oscar, while the other dabbled with Golan's Globes.

And here's another excerpt...

"He writes at length about a relationship with a woman he met at Catholic University. Later, when McGreevey went to Harvard for a graduate degree in education in 1981, he reconnected with her. McGreevey doesn't name the woman, referring to her by the pseudonym "Laura."
She would serve as a date for him -- his "beard" -- when needed."

All of a sudden, I am having second thoughts about Joe Pendleton's Playoff "beard."

The My Coke Rewards is up to 114 points. I think I have 3 weeks left....

Good to see Prince is making the news again. But how does one even get nominated for "sexiest vegetarian"? There are TONS of candidates to choose from. Melissa Rivers....Ed Begley, Jr., Ed Asner, James Cromwell.

OK...so maybe Prince isn't such a bad option after all. The weird thing is I always thought Prince was a meat eater.

Just under a week until Memorial Day and unofficial start of summer! You know what that means? That's right....the return of Sandman's entire extended family to my complex to enjoy our pool!

Gosh, I love the summer.

There is one more week of American Idol left. And as much as I’d hate to admit it, I have become a fan of this show. I know….I know....I’ll be handing in my heterosexual card at the next checkpoint.

I didn’t watch the first few seasons, but then one of my coworkers tried out for the program and instantly I was hooked on it like Whitney Houston on crack (And yes, I've marked out my face in case any of my youngsters happen to be surfing on here....).

The show is only REALLY good during the first month or so. That's when some of the most horrendous performers try to convince the three judges, Mo, Larry and Schillina, that they are among the BEST in the country. Some of these clowns really think they can sing and start weeping endlessly while firing profanities at the camera. People who are disasters makes for great television.

Personally, I don’t care who wins….Taylor or Kat. I was kind of ticked off when "rocker" Chris Daughtry was tossed a few shows back. That seemed to be the consensus of every tough guy who watched the show or was forced to watch the show due to a girlfriend or wife who was hooked onto the program and had control over the remotes on Tuesday or Wednesday nights. A common line thrown out on radio talk shows: "Now I have no reason to watch the show!" What about waiting for another exciting episode of Unan1mous? Don't even get me started on that crap.

Maybe I’m leaning a little more towards the gal winning because she’s better eye candy…then again, a victory might lessen the chances she’ll appear in a full Playboy spread. Or better yet, Swank. (I keeeed, I keeed).

Do I get my hetrosexual card back now?

Which reminds me of a little story....

I was teaching a science class with a coworker. She was talking about blood clotting in humans. During the lecture, she asked the class, "What do you call the disorder where blood does not clot properly?"

The class sat there for several seconds....clueless....

(Bueller.....Bueller.....Bueller....)

You had a better chance of getting a giraffe to recite the alphabet. So she prompted them....."Heeeemo"

One of the students got up....with this HUGE smile on his face....."Hemo-SEXUAL!"

I nearly pissed myself.

My Coke Rewards total....114 points. I think I'm up to a $20 coupon when I buy $300 worth of ant trap products or something.

Anyone think Fantasia will be making an appearance in Black Tail anytime soon?

Atlanta Braves first baseman Adam LaRoche made one of the worst plays I have ever seen on a baseball field.

Taking an easy grounder that was certain to be the third out of the inning, LaRoche gingerly made his way to first, getting beat out by Nationals batter Nick Johnson. The play jumpstarted a rally by the Nationals, who would eventually go on to win the game.

In the story about the game, it was mentioned that LaRoche has ADD (attention deficit disorder....which is actually called ADHD by most medical professionals now). Braves fans had the frustration of witnessing this disorder for only a few seconds. I get to witness it for about 8 hours each day.

And I wonder why I'm almost completely bald.

I wonder what would happen to LaRoche if he played for a team that was located in a city where grits isn't the main delicacy. Don't get me wrong, he wouldn't be considered Scott Norwood or anything, but he wouldn't exactly be given more leeway from this point on.

Which brings me to this tangent.....how does Norwood have an encyclopedia entry? I mean, someone actually researched his life? Then again, I guess anyone can get an entry.

Did anyone see that Yakov Smirnoff graduated from U Penn this week? (Scroll to the end of the link). That guy hasn't been seen in years. He was kinda funny as a comedian back when the Cold War was at its peak. Then when that all fell apart, you never really heard of him again. Which begs the question, how can he afford a UPenn education to begin with? Was he distilling his own Smirnoff vodka, hoping people got it confused with the legitimate Smirnoff brand? Is there some small section of the country with NO information entering where this guy is still mildly funny?

And what the hell is positive psychology? Some sort of "create-your-own major" like half the Rutgers basketball team did when I went to school. I remember one player majored in Puerto Rican Studies another majored in Drinking with a minor in Sleeping. Maybe Smirnoff should have focused on Ukrainian Studies.

Quincy....what ARE you thinking? Yes, I am happy that you might actually give Rutgers a player in the NBA as opposed to a commissioner (Davey Stern) and coach (Eddie Jordan), but there is NO way you are a first round pick. Maybe I'm wrong. Is the college talent pool THAT weak? Don't get me wrong, Douby was a good college player, and I was a fan of his work, but can't you wait one more year to assure yourself maybe a lottery selection? It's all about the money, I guess.

Mr. Douby....meet Terrell Willis.

Lastly, I want to thank Jersey Girl for her shout out today. For those who haven't read her blog, definitely check it out (along with the others by Mr. Mosher, Joe Pendleton, B. Peterman, and SJPSandman linked on the right side. It's the one thing I look forward to each day.

Well, that and 2:53 p.m. (that's the time the work day ends....although for me, it concludes when I have a mental shutdown after all of my students tell me they don't have pencils....or paper.....or anything that might make them SLIGHTLY prepared for class around 10 bells)

I turned 30 years and one month old yesterday. (Insert sound of noisemakers here)

No, I'm not expecting a surprise party every month after the huge milestone...but I've constantly been asked, "Do you feel any different?" Not really. I must admit though....the most difficult part of reaching 30 isn't added aches and pains, added responsibility in life, passing the age threshhold for American Idol (like I can even sing happy birthday) or weakened ability to consume beverages (not that I could drink many others under the table in my prime to begin with).

The worst part might have to be facing the treadmill. I used to throw my weight on there press enter and then always an age in my 20s. Now, I have to deal with a WHOLE different category. The heart rate target changes....the diagram of where fat burning and cardio reaches another stanza on the chart.....people start gasping and breaking glasses behind me. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Not like ANYONE in my gym is swallowing pills to begin with...but I won't go there again.

I'm sure I'll be able to figure out other problems of reaching 30. But right now, I'm trying to enjoy it....

...as long as I can use my towel to cover up the treadmill reference section.

The Coke Rewards total is up to 98. (Sorry Joe Pendleton.....It's no beer count. I think that's up to 6....which is Derek Jeter's number).

Happy Birthday Rico!

I failed a test today. Granted it was my vehicle inspection (and not a pregnancy test)....but still, there's something very demoralizing about waiting 20 minutes for your car to pass through a line controlled by two people who are about as pleasant as Kansas City Royals fans in mid-August and then having a red sticker thrown on due to a burnt out brake bulb.

Kansas City Royal fan.....isn't that an oxymoron?



But anyway...I had to head back to the shop to get it fixed and then drive back to the DMV or MVC or PMS....or whatever they call it now to wait 20 minutes once again for them to look at a bulb. They seemed to look at EVERYTHING again before they passed me. Like I am going to remove my catalytic converter and install pimped out tint and all kinds of illegal devices on my car in the 90 minutes since I left the inspection center. Give me the sticker and let me go waste more gas.

My new hobby....collecting codes from Coke bottles as part of the My Coke Reward campaign. Yes, I officially have reached a new low point but if drinking 800 bottles of soda can help me snag that coveted "Coca Cola Judges Cup from the American Idol set" or an "Authentic Autographed Race Tire" , then my life goals will have been fulfilled.

Feel free to send me your codes. I'm currently up to 62 points. Only about 36,938 more for the top prize of "World Domination and free year's supply of Diet Coke."

To quote Derrick Coleman, "Whoop Dee Damn Doo."

I have a formal this weekend with E. It might involve me dancing at some point. I'm sure that won't be too embarassing for all parties involved. Especially with the genetics that I have. My grandfather used to say that his Naval officer used to tell him he walked "like a monkey fucking a football." I won't include a visual there.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all other moms out there. Stay away from wire hangers.

I went to the Live show last night at Starland Ballroom. They put on a good show. I must admit, these guys looks like they're getting older and older (not that I am getting any younger or anything....after all my shower drain looks like a friggin' gremlin convention.....OK, well maybe that's an overexaggeration....not that I'll be throwing food down there after midnight or anything).

Ed Kowalczyk pretty much looks the same....he does look like he's hit the gym recently. Then again, I hit the gym too recently. But my gym-going experience involves staring at people and wondering

1) Is that chick with big breastses a stripper? She must be.

2) How do some of these guys get THAT big? There's no way that's natural. I wonder if the front desk would be opposed in making drug tests mandatory in order to work out at the gym. Anything that makes me look a LITLLE bit larger, would be greatly appreciated. I'm considering strolling into the gym with one of those sumo wrestling blow-up outfits just to hold my own out there. It's tough trying to struggle with those 20 pound weights!

3) What's the deal with that clown who looks like a mess but talks to EVERY hot chick? You know the guy....chews gum like a cow and NEVER does a single exercise but has a blast just chatting away. His full time job? Gym loiterer.

Back to Live...the opening act was a group called Michael Shapiro. There was a kid in my college named Michael Shapiro who was highly annoying. I think he ran for President of the class every year. This bad made him look palpable (there's an SAT word for ya!). Stench.

The key for Live was to play my three favorite songs: White, Discussion (check), I Alone (check), and Shittown (check). This should help for a great week.

Well, maybe if the Yankees can actually beat the Red Sox this year.

Got this great link from my friend, Josh, in and Land of Mary. For those of you who were hooked on Super Mario Brothers, you will definitely enjoy this. I remember sitting home on Thanksgiving, playing that game for 3 days straight. After that, I think fireballs were shooting out of my orifaces, too.

I wonder if Mario ever had that checked out.

Well, it's my first official blog and I must admit I'm a little nervous. Not shaking nervous but I have very high expectations for myself. Not that I'm going to start using performance enhancing drugs to help improve my writing here (I believe my semester-long stint as scribe for my local fraternity definitely assists me in this endeavor). I figure since everyone and their uncle have blogs why shouldn't I start? I have something to contribute to society. Right?

Who am I kidding.....where are those writing steroids when I need them?

So, let me start by explaining the name for the blog. When I was little (actually, I still am little but that's for another conversation), I used to be a HUGE fan of Saturday Night Live. Dennis Miller, who was my favorite Weekend Update anchor, used to begin each broadcast with "Good evening...and what can I tell you..." I always looked forward to SNL...even though most of the jokes went over my head.

He'd then end the broadcast with "And I am....outta here!" I guess that's where I'll conclude tonight.