Letter of Complaint to Westfield

Dear Chief Wayman:

Ever since I was a child, I have enjoyed visiting Downtown Westfield and frequenting the Westfield Rialto with my family and friends. The management of the theater has done a great job of upgrading the facility, and the people who work there have been extremely accommodating, however, after an experience that occurred earlier today, I do not plan on returning there in the future.

I decided to take my niece and nephew to see a movie that was scheduled to start at 12 p.m. We drove through the parking lot behind the theater (Lot 5) and there were no vacant spots. I drove along Elmer and Lenox but was unable to locate anything there as well. After scanning Lot 7 with nothing apparently open, the only spot I was able to find was on the street near the corner of Lenox and Elmer Streets. It was a two-hour spot, and I fed the meter with enough quarters and dimes to reach the maximum allowable total. Realizing it was a 98 minute movie and with no other options within proximity of the theater, I figured it would give us just enough time to see the movie and leave without a problem. I parked the car at 11:40 a.m. and went into the theater to see the movie, which cost $34 to see with additional money spent in the concession stand.

While I did consider walking out midway through the movie to find a new spot, there was no way I could leave two children in the theater alone. After previews and other advertisements, the movie ended approximately at 1:45 p.m., and the children wanted to stop for a bathroom break. We headed directly for the car, and I noticed a parking ticket for $32 on my windshield. The ticket was given at 1:42 p.m. (about 5 minutes before I was back at the car) and a movie with two children turned into an $80 day. Obviously, I was very unhappy with the situation.

Since it was a two-hour spot, I understand I am guilty of the violation and paid the ticket, but the question I have is what good is a two-hour spot near a movie theater if most movies are two hours or longer? The parking rule near a theater does not make sense. What other options did I have? I am assuming I am not the only one who has encountered this problem and feel terribly for all of the people who are being fined for a situation they really could not control.

Rather than run the risk of no vacant four-hour spots near the theater, I plan on finding other alternatives for movies where parking is free and not in short supply like in Linden, Edison and Mountainside. It is a shame that I am forced to end my relationship with a town where I have such great memories.

Sincerely,

Todd Cohen

What is "Old"?

So it's been a little while since I posted. Come to think of it maybe it's not SO long ago. September of 2009, right? It's not like we have a new president, and the weather is pretty much the same as when I last posted. The Knicks are still terrible and unemployment is still at an alarming rate.

Maybe we're not that much different in eight months. One thing's for sure...we've all aged. Well, unless you're Joan Rivers. Even Ponce de Leon is jealous.

Which begs me to ask the age-old question....what is "old" anyway?

Me: Wow....that song you're listening to...Forever Young. That was my high school prom song.

Student: Really? With Jay-Z?

Me: Uhh....not exactly.

Oh boy.

For some old is entirely a matter of perspective. An 11 year old might not consider himself old but what about a 5 year old referring to that same 11 year old? Is Jack LaLanne old? The guy probably has a healthier interior than many 30 year olds I know, especially ones on the McDonald's diet. Jack's 95 years old. That means he's just 5 years away from getting the Willard Scott treatment.

Hilda Lacroix is 110 years old? ONE HUNDRED TEN? If I were that age, I'm thinking the only words out out of my mouth at that point are "Please kill me. Now." Maybe Hilda isn't really that old? It's possible that she goes out to fist pump at the local senior clubs and enjoys listening to Ke$ha and Lady Gaga on her iPod in between shots of Metamucil and seriously large doses of Vicodin. Right?

When are we old?

Are we old when we start to feel pain on a regular basis?

Are we old during our first appearance of gray hair (or in some cases, no hair at all)?

Are we old when the candles on our birthday cakes can illuminate the entire Prudential Center?

Are we old when our age no long appears on a standard combination lock? Thankfully, I'm not there....yet.

Are we old when dirt starts to look young?

Next week the new national grandmother, Betty White, become one of the oldest people to host Saturday Night Live when she leads a special Mother's Day edition of the program. She's 88 years old and only one other person could truly make the argument that Ms. White is "young" in years. SNL Announcer Don Pardo is 92.

To give you an idea how old Pardo is when he was born World War I was still in the process of being fought and the Red Sox were still months away from capturing their last title in 86 years.

I met Mr. Pardo 2 years ago during a taping of SNL. I told him he was a living legend and remembered from his job introducing the NBC New York news when I was a kid. I don't know if he heard a word I said, but he did tell me, "You are going to see a GRRRRREAT show!" Was Don Pardo kidnapped and replaced by the tiger from the Frosted Flakes commercial?

Where was I? Oh yeah, "old." Just like the saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder (or beholder whatever your tolerance for alcoholic beverages may be)" there really is no set definition for old. You can LOOK old but if you're a kid at heart, then you're not REALLY old. Unless you're a 21 year old kid at heart and you're looking from the vantage point of a teenager.

Plenty of educators and township personnel are considering retirements due to the pressures set forth by the new governor of New Jersey. Some may put them in the "OLD" group after their 25+ years of service. But I'm sure we'll see who gets the last laugh when they're basking in the sun on the golf course or relaxing on a cruise to Europe.

Maybe getting old isn't so bad after all.

See you in another 8 months. We'll all be a little bit older.

Or will we?

Just Win, Baby

Rutgers plays Cincinnati on Monday in the biggest season-opening game in recent memory. If the Scarlet Knights lose, it's going to be ugly.

How could anyone put this much into one regular season game? Simple.

1) Up for Grabs: In a Big East Conference with no clear cut favorite (prognosticators have picked any of 4-5 teams to win the league this year....and I think one of them may have selected Don Bosco Prep in error), Rutgers needs to set the tone early and avoid a first half like it experienced last season. Which brings me to point #2....

2) Ugly start, Ugly end: There's nothing like a dismal 1-5 start to have the fans turn against you. Last season, Mike Teel and Kenny Britt proved to be two of the keys to the turnaround. Now with both of them collecting paychecks to play on Sunday (as opposed to many other college players collecting paychecks to play on Saturday....oooooh, did I write that? Whoops!), there aren't many proven go-to players to turn the tide in 2009. Their top offensive player is an offensive lineman. That isn't going to help score TDs, unless Greg Schiano petitions the NCAA to legalize the fumblerooski. Plus, fans want a BCS bowl or something close to it this season. Yes, Rutgers is only 7 years removed from football purgatory, but no more obscure pizza bowls in obscure locations. A 7-win season isn't going to get anyone that excited...especially when two of the wins are against mediocre I-AA teams.

3) If you build it, it should come: Tons of dollars have been put into this program and fans want a winner. More seats were added and the coach is getting enough money to feed those in Third World Countries and create a new problem...obesity. With the addition of new seats and the AD completely in Schiano's pocket, it's time for Rutgers to do better than 3rd in the conference. A sold out crowd will be watching along with other Rutgers fans and critics...it's a must win baby.

Prediction: Rutgers is dealing with some issues at the skill positions....there's no clear cut go-to WRs or RBs and the QB is inexperienced. When all things are even and in this case, it's close...Rutgers is more sound defensively than the Bearcats, which is looking to fill 10 vacancies (that's more openings than the coaching will make a difference. Cincy 24-20. Yes, it pains me to write that...and that's because I think I may have tweaked my ankle on a run this evening.

My predictions...

Cincinnati L
Howard W
Florida International W
at Maryland L
Texas Southern W
Pittsburgh W
at Army W
at Connecticut L
South Florida W
at Syracuse W
at Louisville W
West Virginia L

Rutgers finishes 8-4. I was tempted to give Rutgers a loss to Syracuse. The Orange looked decent today and could be a tough play on the road late in the season. Still, my hatred for Eric Devendorf was too great and I had to stick a "W" up there. With almost no non-conference powerhouses and a down year for the Big East, this is quite a cupcake schedule.

Other thoughts:

• Since when did country music become the soundtrack for college football? I know plenty of teams in the SEC have been dominant but everywhere you look there's another dude with a banjo and tall hat belting out tunes on ESPN and ABC. I'm sure sales of Skoal skyrocket every Saturday.

• I went to Washington D.C. for a White House tour this week. You know the saying, "A few rotten apples spoil the whole bunch"? Well, that's definitely true for Obama's residence. The tour was ok but thanks to those who try to attack this country for everything great that we have to offer, there were more restrictions than the security line at Newark Liberty Airport. No weapons (makes sense), no pens (huh?), no cameras (are you kidding me?). Since 9/11 it's almost like we're prisoners in our own country. It was great to see history and I am grateful for it, but with most of the rooms roped off like the multiplex on the other side of town, I just wish I could have had a closer look at history. Maybe I should just run for president and get better access (and take about 30 years off my life).

• On the subject of president, when did a speech about education create such an uproar? President Obama is planning on speaking to the students of this country and reinforce the message of the importance of an education and staying in school. His opponents and plenty of outraged parents are speaking out against the speech, threatening to keep students home if the speech is broadcast in their schools. Are you serious? The flu bug, a bomb threat, a religious holiday, heck even the release of a Spike Lee movie might be better reasons to prevent a child from going to school. I think the idea of an Obama speech would be a welcome presentation for many of those students who hold Obama in high regard and don't consider school a priority in their lives. If he reaches even one kid, then the speech has done it's job. Regardless of how you feel about Obama's policies, his message could really resonate with the youth who have felt as though they have a connection with him.

• Random unless scheduling item: George Washington University's men's basketball team hosts Oregon State 2 days after Thanksgiving. Oregon State is coached by Obama's brother in law, Craig Robinson. You think the OSU team will be invited for the holiday meal or will it be only the family at the White House? Roeland Schaftenaar wants to know.

Happy Labor Day, which is a nice way of saying, "Summer's over, days get shorter, time to get depressed!"

Bold Eagles

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." ~Andy Rooney

Falcons, Eagles....not so bad. Dogs? Well, that's another story.

I guess you can't really say Michael Vick isn't an animal lover. He seemed to enjoy his time with both of his bird teams. Canines appeared to bring out another side for the man from Virginia.

Unless you've been under a rock for the past 2 years, Vick admitted to participating in an illegal dogfighting ring, leading to a 23 moth sentence (of which only 18 months were served due to good behavior). Evidentally, he was a man's best friend in prison...if you know what I mean. This week, the Philadelphia Eagles signed Vick to a contract, prompting uproars from all sorts of animal friendly groups. Why am I surprised he wasn't signed by the Browns and their Dawg Pound?

This country LOVES a good debate and Vick's current situation gives everyone a chance to throw their opinion out there...should the Eagles (or any NFL team for that matter) have signed Vick to a contract?

Let me preface this by saying I am a NY Giants fan and the thought of Vick on the field doesn't exactly make me happy. The GMen has a new defensive coordinator and the Brian Westbrook-Donovan McNabb-Vick trio could bring one of the speediest backfields in the league. Plus, you figure McNabb is going to be hurt at some point in the season (after all, he is 231 in dog years) and I'd much rather see Kevin Kolb or A.J. Feeley throwing long interceptions than Mr. Vick scamper around like a wild puppy.

Yes, I'm terrible.

But not as bad as Vick, who didn't exactly grow up in a model environment. Vick's parents held several jobs, raising the family in an impoverished neighborhood in Virginia. His brother, also a player at Virginia Tech, was constantly in trouble with the law from charges of brandishing a firearm to molestation of a minor to a DUI charge. While Michael shouldn't be branded with the behavior of his brother, it does help illustrate the enivornment in which he was raised.

When you think of what Vick did to these animals....and keep in mind, these were not PEOPLE. They were dogs, and while dogs are held in high regard by many in this country, they should take a backseat to human life. Yes, I realize some people like to throw a cute outfit on their dogs and dress them up like they're going out for a night on the town, and then all is brought right back to reality when they sit Fido down to enjoy a nice can of slop, followed by a sniff of his own genitals.

"Don't stain the dog tuxedo shirt!"

If there was a list of animals with a rating of how precious they are dogs would be somewhere near the top. It might look like this: ants, spiders, centipedes, bin Laden, frogs, deer, Red Sox fans, bunnies, cats/dogs, and people (had to go with the slash between cats and dogs because my mom will likely read this and there's nothing like trying to deal with an angry Jewish mother).

What he did was reprehensible. To think of electrocuting any living thing, especially a dog, makes you wonder about someone's character. He had no regard for something crying out in pain and went on with the torture. That tells me a lot about him as a person. Maybe he was conditioned to be oblivious to the dog's feelings. Is he the same way around some groups of people?

Which gets me to my point...even though Vick did a gruesome series of acts, he served his time in jail as a punishment and was readmitted to the league. He should be allowed to get his life back together. Like I stated before, he didn't murder people. He killed dogs and there should be a line between the two groups. Remember the word is "DOG" and not the reverse. I don't have a problem with the Eagles signing him, but it's a question of what he's going to do from this point on. Is he going to be a model citizen? Will he make attempts to show remorse for his acts of animal cruelty?

I'm not thrilled the Eagles signed him for competitive reasons, but he should be given a second chance to get his life on the right track. They say that all dogs go to heaven.

Will Michael Vick?

The King Has Popped

Yes, Michael...."this is it."

What a crazy week it's been for celebrity newscasts. Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett left the building (even though I thought Jackson died after that awful "Invincible" album). I wonder if the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, will be sending thank you letters to each of their estates for stealing the spotlight from him. Don't get me wrong, the guy is a moron. There are 50 governors in this country and I'm wondering if they ever talk to each other.

I think if a Governor is sworn in, he should be handed a guidebook with a list of rules. It would be like Fight Club. Rule 1: DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR. Rule 2: DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS WHO ARE NOT YOUR WIFE. Rule 3: See rules 1 and 2. Rule 4: DON'T GO OVER 85 MPH IN A CAR WITHOUT A SEATBELT.

Maybe that's just in New Jersey.

So, the search began for this mistress.....Maria Belen Chapur. No photos on the web as of yet, but this video was posted. I kind of wished I paid more attention to Senora Albano in high school spanish and learned how to say more than just "Donde esta el bano?". Just like Gary Condit was removed from the public eye after 9/11, I'm guessing that will be the case in the short term for Gov. Sanford.

I remember Michael Jackson when I was growing up as the most popular person in the world. People would cry in the streets outside his hotels (I thought they were all slicing onions). His fashion sense was a little off the wall (parachute pants? 10 zippers on a jacket?), but still people copied him. The one-glove look became a Halloween fixture (just ask my brother...even though he probably won't admit it). Heterosexuals wore leather proudly. Obviously, he had quite the effect.

Even though the SARS-or swine flu-like Asian face covering never really caught on probably like he would have liked.

A million people bought tickets to his tour next month in London (well, maybe 50 shows in London wouldn't be considered much of a "tour"...more like a "stay"). Either way, I remember when Frank Sinatra died and saw the endless television programs about his life and the effect he had on a generation. Now, I understand what they went through because Michael had a similar dominance over my generation. MTV was still a fledgling station and he turned it into his personal medium. With the internet still over a decade away, audiences tuned in for their chance to see the "Thriller" music video and get a glimpse of the new music revolution. And who could forget the endless jokes about burnt hair during a Pepsi commercial or his endless court cases?

Q: What did the woman say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

A: Excuse me, but could you please get out of my son?

While there were many strange rememberances of the King of Pop, I must admit seeing Akon get interviewed from New Mexico was a little weird. Of all the places to find the artist who sang "Locked Up", "Mama Africa" "Gangsta" and "I Want to Love You (but the word "Love" was replaced with another 4-letter word), Albuquerque wouldn't be among my top 1000 guesses.

In other news....I went with the Sandman to see the new musical "Rock of Ages". Going into the show, I wasn't expecting much but it really surpassed my expectations. Despite the onslaught of mullets, the music was amazing and there was plenty of shtick throughout the show. There was even a line that referenced my birthdate, April 14th. I would see it again in a second. If you're a fan of those 80s bands, get a ticket.

This year's Pancreatic Cancer Picnic is scheduled for Oct. 11th at the Deutscher Club in Clark, NJ. More info to come!

Today was another sad day for the newspaper industry. A double whammy, in fact.

The Star Ledger announced plans for a 10 day furlough, which is basically a period of unpaid leave, and stop contributions to the paper's employee pension plan. While reading that story, I saw the Ann Arbor News (a publication for which two of my friends have toiled or currently toil) plans on ending its daily print edition - opting to go with an online format.

I spent about 6 years of my life considering a full-time job in the newspaper industry. Fortunately, my sense of humor that newspaper brass tended to take the wrong way and inability to become a seasoned and prolific writer (partly because lack of desire but also due to constant mental frustration....trying to become the next Mike Lupica when I should have tried to been the first "Joker"). While I still freelance here and there, this news really hit home.

Newspapers have always been a HUGE part of my life. When I was in middle school, I watched my brother deliver the Daily Journal and filled in for him from time to time (which eventually became everyday). My hands smelled like rubberband and newspaper ink....not exactly a combination that lured the ladies. I remember mentally cursing out the people on my route who didn't tip (or rounded up on the dollar and gave me 40 cents for 2 weeks worth of work). They left me poor and scarred for life. One of my first words in Spanish was "periodico."

Not sure what that's supposed to mean.

Now the internet has brought instant news in our lifes and attributed to the slow death of newspapers. I can't imagine the world without opening a paper to read All Area capsules...or local letters to the editor....or check the lottery numbers to see if my mother was a millionaire (I'm still waiting for her to be a hundredaire).......or stare at Bracket Boy's mug. Wow....never thought I'd write that.

What will the future bring? Are we going to have people with video cameras installed in their heads, recording every move to place on the internet for a video story? Will there continue to be a need for journalists? The only good thing to come out of this may be a name change for the New Jersey Sportswriters Association to the NJ Sportsmedia Association. Hell might have to freeze over for that to happen...

Leave it to my mom to put this all in another perspective.

"If the Star Ledger folds, what am I going to use to line the kitty litter with?"

March Madness is one of the best times of year for a sportsfan. The search for cinderella. I'd say I have seen about 50 or so college basketball games this year but that doesn't mean I'm an expert at picking games. Then again, who is?

Case in point: I'm in a pool at work...a pool that I have finished in the top 3 twice over the past 4 years. I spent about 10 minutes filling out a bracket with theories that have paid off for me in the past (never go with the Big Ten or Big East Tourney Champions.....try to stay away from teams who have lost a key player within the past month....pick at least one 12 seed to make the round of 32....never go with a New Jersey school....not a difficult choice this year).

When I got to work today, I wasn't in the lead. I can partially thank the wisdom I took from the good doctor. "West Virginia is going to be one tough out in the tournament." Not so good, AL. No, the leader was a woman who watches very little college basketball....and, adding more salt to my wound, is a big Seton Hall fan.

Me: Wow....congrats on your great performance in the pool.

Woman: Thanks!

Me: What teams did you get wrong?

Woman: Missouri and Purdue.

Me: Wait.....you picked Arizona?

Woman: Yeah.

Me: How did you get Arizona right?

Woman: Well, I looked at the teams and picked the ones that were in places I'd like to go on vacation.

I'm not even kidding.

Other absurdities to ponder:

• Anyone know why Siena College's colors don't include "siena"?

• How does Steve F. Austin have an NCAA Tourney caliber basketball team but no wrestling program?

• I was sorry to hear about the loss of Natasha Richardson, and saw numerous stories about her tragic injury....but not a peep about the death of Bill Buchanan. What a travesty.

• Memo to new Big East Commish John Marinatto: maybe it's time to treat the Big East like Italian soccer and cut the bottom 3 teams. Maybe send Rutgers, South Florida and DePaul to the A-10 and promote Xavier and Temple? Better yet, put them in Division 3. I'd love to see a Rutgers/TCNJ matchup.
  
  

There are many reasons why I refrain from telling people I graduated from Rutgers. The basketball team, the Terry Shea football regime, RU Screw...

Now I can add this to the list.

My new addiction: Mafia Wars on Facebook. Will you please join my mafia and help me loot and rob other cyber criminals for mindless fun? I didn't think so.

The City That Never Sleeps

It was a mixed weekend for me. I made the trek to the largest city in the country to visit E. That is always a good time. Well, unless you're thumb wrestling on a small dinner table, leading to the spillage of a glass of water on the patron sitting to your right. Sorry, sir. At least it wasn't the swiss marshmallow hot chocolate.

I don't like to drive to the Big Apple. Sure, it's easier than ever before...with a GPS practically spoon-feeding you directions to your destination, even Ray Charles could make the trip. And that's not just because he's blind.....or dead for that matter. I just like to avoid drivers who are ready to take me off the road. As my brother says, "Cab drivers are proof that practice does not make perfect."

Taking the train from Metropark, I sat behind a guy in his early 20s who was talking to his friend. I find it interesting that even in public, people have to drop the F-bomb constantly to get their point across. Couldn't believe the filth, flarn, filth being uttered by this kid.

So, his phone rings and he answers the call.

Guy: "Hello......what? No way! No F&*(in way!!! I got the job!!! I can't believe this!!! That's awesome! OK, I'll call them later in the week."

Was he shocked to be the only one in this economy actually to be getting a job? No, he was accepting his first job. And oh, a fun one at that. He just learned that he was going to be a summer cop in Seaside Heights. I think I'd rather be an officer in Camden with a uniform covered by $100 bills, but that's just me.

Since he was speaking at a level that rivaled a Metallica concert, I overheard him chatting with his friend alongside him. Among the requirements for his job interview?

"I had to do 5 pull ups and run a mile. I'm not even sure I had to complete the mile."

I guess you don't have to be nimble to run down a Mustang with black lights along the Boulevard.

When I arrived at the train station, I spotted a large group of people staring endlessly upwards. Was someone getting mugged on the ceiling? No, they were just waiting for their track destination. And when that does pop up on the board like one of those goofy heads you try and slap down at Chuck E Cheese, people LOVE to charge toward the track like the train conductor is giving out rolls of $20 bills. There's no regard for life. Settle down people. Let's not run down the old lady with the Duane Reade bag, so we can get monopolize that double-seat for the 15 min ride to Newark.

While we're on the subject of NYC, I'm wondering why every pizza place needs to have a photograph from one or more of the following movies: Godfather, Goodfellas, Heat, Raging Bull? Does this mean the tomato sauce is Bobby DeNiro approved? I enjoy these photos even more when the people who own the restaurant are from Middle Eastern decent. Do they even know who Al Pacino is? And if Joe Pesci walks in, does he get a discount? I mean, the guy hasn't worked in like 10 years. He needs to eat, too.

I took an early train back to NJ for the Rutgers/Seton Hall basketball game with the Local Shill. I figured there was NO way the Pirates would sweep the series this year. Both teams are awful and Rutgers was at home. Oh boy, I was wrong.

I probably should have stayed in the city and not showed up for the game. JR Inman and the rest of the team surely did.

In order to prevent myself from putting my fist through my laptop, I won't get into details of the 65-60 loss. I'm just curious if a team that's 1-17 in the Big East can keep it's coach.

Stench movie of the week: The Rocker. No, this movie isn't about some old lady in a chair or a pitcher who likes to use profanity on the subway OR Michael J. Fox's autobiographical story (even I'M ashamed I went there).

Rainn Wilson (The Office) could have done one of the greatest acting jobs in the history of cinema and this movie STILL would have sucked. Drummer leaves band, drummer works in corporate world, drummer joins 3 teens to start band. One sign that I'm getting old: Christina Applegate is playing a mom in this flick. I always had her pegged as the older Bundy kid in "Married With Children" but I guess you can't pull a "Simpsons" and stay youthful and in that role forever.

Happy Valentine's Day and Presidents Day to all. Don't forget to kiss an Obama.

What's in Store for Ought-9?

We've crossed the bridge from 2008 into 2009 and most people are happy about the change. Yeah, the ecomony is in the dumps and people are depressed (and it's not because Kelly Pickler sent people into seizures during Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve) but there's nothing like wiping the slate clean and trying to screw up another year!

So....here it is.....the Joker's Predictions for 2009.

The New York Knicks will finish 10 games under .500 and fans will rejoice due to the progress. No, not the wins-loss record but the fact the head coach didn't try to kill himself in the process.

Trying to get public sentiment on his side, George W. Bush starts hanging around Bernie Madoff. After eliminating term limits on his final day in office, Bush's approval rates inprove dramatically and he starts his campaign for President in 2012.

Some marketing genius will dominate the sandwich market with a $4.99 footlong (along with a catchy jingle that will terrorize adults in their sleep).

Plaxico Burress starts a sweatpants-making company. All sweatpants come in one color (red) and have 10 pockets to store any and all loose items.

USC will dominate Penn State 38-24 in the Rose Bowl, bringing people to question if the Big 10 is truly overrated. (Had to make sure I got one of these right).


Despite the loss, Joe Paterno signs a 10-year deal to coach Penn State. In his contract is a clause that states, "Should Mr. Paterno die, he should be held up by a graduate assistant (ala Weekend at Bernie's) and serve as the figurehead for the squad until his contract expires or he is cloned."

ARod breaks up with Madonna for good and begins dating Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and Lita Ford (not necessarily in that order)

Brett Favre opts to play another season for the Jets. One of the New York newspapers put the "F" word in a headline. Some people are upset but most feel it's warranted.

March 14, 2009: LocalShill and Mrs. Shill give birth to a happy and healthy baby boy. "Derek Favre Shill" weighs 7-lbs., 10-ounces and ends the year with his first words "Boeheim sucks" Mrs. Shill is not amused.

In an effort to get people to watch the NHL, Gary Bettman sends checks to sports fans throughout the country. Thinking they are rebate checks from the US Government, fans use them to purchase DirecTv units so they can purchase the NFL package in the fall. NHL folds.

The economy sinks even deeper, leading the government to bailout every living citizen (and a few pets who can pass key obedience tests).

Rod Blagojevich steps down and is blackballed from political office. He creates his own line of children's dolls that become the hottest gifts for Christmas 2009. All dolls, of course, are made from the former governor's real hair.

Adults are polled in May 2009 and asked, "Who is Sarah Palin?" Most common responses: "Isn't she the chick from 40 Rock?" and "Who? Get out of my face, chump!"

The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl....OK, maybe that's not too realistic....the Lions win the NFC North....OK, the Lions have a winning record....OK, the Lions win their Thanksgiving game. Yeah, not a good call. How about the Lions field a team (of course, they're coached by Shaquille White, an 18-year-old high school graduate who has never coached a game in his life but does dominate in "coach" mode in Madden 2008 for Playstation 2. His biggest selling points....a salary of less than $40,000 and back-to-back wins over the Packers.

My retirement account loses $5k but that's looked as an improvement. The Joker is more than thrilled.

The American Idol competition is won by Billy Idol (which makes sense). He is promptly dethroned for showing up drunk on the summer tour and singing a new version of "Mony Mony", which he calls "Horny, Horny" and sells millions of copies on iTunes.

And on that note....Hope everyone has a great 2009!

N.F.L. Disasters

Could there be more train wrecks in a sport than the NFL? Broncos, Jets, Cardinals, Eagles, Cowboys.....it seems like there are a growing number of teams that are trying to back their way into the playoffs or are trying to back their way OUT of the playoffs. After a 47-7 walloping at New England Sunday, Arizona is proving that the NFC West might be one of the weakest divisions in years.

• I'm thinking the winner of the Chargers/Broncos game should have to participate in a play-in game to qualify for the NFL postseason. If the NCAA Tourney can do it, why not the NFL? Are there any football fields in Dayton?

• Which brings me to wonder.....since when did the NFL playoffs change its name to the "tournament"? I've heard at least three NFL coaches refer to the Road to the Super Bowl as that. Here's hoping Billy Packer won't be doing play-by-play.

• Lions coach Rod Marinelli has some resume. Makes Terry Shea look like Don Shula. Recently, I joined what could be the greatest sports website ever. It's called Centsports and you can gamble for free. I've been figuring the Lions are going to end their streak at SOME point. Well, I've been off the mark and missed some of those bets. Still, my high point is $12....don't even try to beat that. Click here and get started.

• I'm happy the Giants won last night against the Panthers but with the way the GMen played on the road last year, I'm a little worried with the whole "Home Field Advantage" this season.

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all. For those longing for a sequel to the Adam Sandler Hannkuah song, enjoy these celebrities who are members of the Tribe.

Is McCain Able? Probably not.

What do Baby Jessica, Peter McNeeley, and John McCain have in common?

All three have been or will be eliminated from the public's consciousness at some point after the media's spotlight. That is if the prognosticators are correct (and the betting lines that had Obama a 12-1 favorite as of yesterday afternoon).

As they say in China, Welcome to Erection Night!

Whatever your feelings on each candidate, history will be made tonight.

This may be the 3rd most noteworthy Presidental election in this nation's 232 year history (Washington and Lincoln may take the prizes for tops...but that is debatable). Think about it.

• 150 years ago there were 31 million people in America....4 million of them (13 percent) were slaves. Now, you may have an African-American in the most popular position in the world.
  
  




• A large number of people are going to the voting booth for the first time EVER. I'm not saying all of these people are aware of the issues or even who the candidates are, but they're participating in the process and that's what a democracy is all about. We are a very diverse nation and every American should play a part regardless of how small a percentage their vote (or in some sections of the country "votes") matter.

• Hasn't the Republican Party learned over the past 50 years how important the media has become? From Nixon in 1960 to Dole in 1996 to McCain in 2008, appearance means everything. McCain is a very intelligent man and a hero for his service to this country, but people want a president that's physically appealing. McCain looked robotic and his slight anger problem didn't help his cause at all.

• One of the biggest losers in all of this might be the city of Newark. Expect Corey Booker to take a spot in the Obama administration, leaving the mayoral position vacant. Will the city be able to fill it with someone who can help an area in turmoil?

• My prediction: Sen. Frank Lautenberg will win in NJ and then resign. He'll prompt give his job to Dennis Miller, thus fulfilling the national goal of having a former SNL actor serve in the Senate in every state in the union.

Some other quick thoughts:

• When every bank is eventually bought out by Bank of America, will every stadium/field/arena be called Bank of America Field?
  



• There was definitely a void in the election coverage without Tim Russert. The guy was so passionate about politics and really got into nights like tonight.

• For those who listen to AM radio, I'm thinking the Cars for Kids campaign should spend a little less money on ads and more on the kids. We know you're out there and if we have an extra car to throw around, it's all yours. That jingle has broken me out in cold sweats on a regular basis.




• Quick way to make small amounts of money? Check this site out. 20 minutes for $3. I'm hoping to parlay that into a 19 inch tv set on Black Friday.

• If McCain loses, will we still be his "friends"?

• I've turned on Fox News Channel twice in the past 2 months and each time an interviewer was yelling at the guest. Don't get me wrong, I watched the entire interview but that doesn't make it right. Case in point, I watched the entire video of Britany Spears getting her head shaved....also not very rewarding. But I watched the whole thing.

• How long until Sarah Palin gets her own talk show? She might be better off losing this one.

• Joe the Plumber might never speak on camera again. The guy has no license and allegedly owed money in back taxes. Tough break. Then again, maybe he can get a plumbing talk show off the ground.
  
  



• I'd love to see Hillary Clinton's ballot. I'm betting she's writing herself in for president.

• Barack Obama called for a playoff system in college football. Not even someone running for the most powerful position in the world has a shot of getting that together. You can thank the Rose Bowl presented by Citi (soon to be Rose Bowl presented by Bank of America) for that one.

Just finalized a trip to UNC Dec. 28th to go to the Dean Dome to see Rutgers lose by 40 to the eventual national champs. Could you imagine if they pulled the upset?

And then you remember it's Rutgers basketball and they don't upset teams. They only get upset.

Nevermind.

Lastly, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month. Don't forget to wear purple Nov. 14th!

Dining Out for Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

I apologize for not putting the Yankees Stadium final game highlights up on here yet.....hopefully, I will. I've been busy with some things...one of which is the pancreatic cancer charity with which I am involved.

On Monday Oct. 13th, we will be having a fundraiser at the Windsor Diner.

The New Jersey Affiliate of the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network invites you to Dining Out for Pancreatic Cancer this Monday, October 13, 2008. Join us at the Windsor Diner in Clark to enjoy great food while creating awareness, raising funds and meeting others who share the same goal: to find a cure for pancreatic cancer!
The Windsor Diner will donate 10% of your bill to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network from 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. this Monday When you arrive, take a flyer and give it to your server.

We all have to eat, so do it and raise money for this great charity!!!

Here is the Facebook event invite. If you haven't joined Facebook already....what are you waiting for???

Greatest Weekend EVER Part I

Plenty of things have changed over the last 20+ years. I've lived in 7 different places, grown a little (hey, even the Lollipop Guild had some vertical achievements during childhood), lost close relatives, developed an affinity for mushrooms (no Sandman....not THOSE mushrooms), became, as my brother would say, "follically impaired", and went through more suits at Wyatt and Koss (a store my mom used to take us to purchase suits in nearby Westfield with this elderly fellow who reminds me of a flamboyant Chevy Chase...the OLD Chevy Chase...not the one who used to make us laugh).

It brought new meaning to the name "Dr. Rosenpenis".

One constant has been my passion for Saturday Night Live. I finally attended my first live taping on Sept. 20th. It was unbelievable.

We were instructed to get to NBC's Rockefeller Plaza Studio at 10:15 and ask for a uniformed page. If it was up to me, I would have been there at 10:15 AM but I didn't want to seem like I was stalking the cast....even if I was.

We were told to wait by a roped off area for further instructions. Former Yankees pitcher David Wells walked through the front door (no Babe Ruth cap, but a dark goatee that made me wonder if my friend Dbag's facial hair is actually in style.....nah). I didn't see any other celebrities walk in but I did see some dude rocking the Paul Simon bowtie. Now I have the fashion sense of an 85-year-old great grandfather in Naples, Fla., but even I know that's not in style.

It wasn't until about 10:45 when tickets were finally being issued. Both parties in front of E and me were instructed to go to the elevator and head to the 9th floor. When we got to the front of the line, the woman asked an intern to escort us to the 8th floor. For the first time since I won the prized Faculty Award at Arthur L. Johnson Regional High School, I was a V.I.P.

Well, for the next 2 hours at least.

I asked an usher if we were allowed to take pictures. He laughed and told me absolutely not. So all of my memories of this event would have to be in my mind. And for those who know me, my memory is fading faster than the Cleveland Browns (with apologies to my two Browns readers).

We were taken to a long hallway with which I was familiar. It usually pops up about 2 times each season. The hallway was flanked by signed potraits of former hosts: Chevy Chase, David Schwimmer, Steve Martin, Brittany Murphy, and well....there goes the memory).

The musical guest, King of Leon, had its dressing room was right next to us. Had it been Metallica, I might have been more fired up. Without the nameplate on the door, I would have figured these guys were part of an NBC sponsored Jews for Jesus convention.

I'm sure GE would have embraced that.

The line, which probably had about 30 people in it, started moving and we were standing in front of the main stage.....the place were numerous memorable monologues took place:

• Michael Jordan's memorable discussion of the products he didn't endorse like Michael Jordan Porn or Michael Jordan feminine pads





• Carl Weathers signing about a rainbow in soprano.





• Steve Martin belting out a tune stating, "I'm not going to mail it in tonight"





• Tom Hanks acceptance in the Five Timers Club.





• George Carlin's comedy bit about baseball and football on the inaugural episode....although that was probably in a different studio.





• Chevy Chase, Martin and Martin Short (no I wasn't studdering there) doing the Three Amigos salute

...and many many more.

The usher told us to sit near the end of the 3rd row from the stage. The seats were SO much closer than I anticipated and the atmosphere was electric. The stage is pretty much what I expected but the audience in front of the stage was a little smaller than I thought it would be. There were at least 6 mini stages all around us where the sketches would be performed. I thought there would be 3 at most

I looked in front of me and saw legendary announcer Don Pardo looking over his notes. I gave him a thumbs up, and he strolled over to where we were sitting. The guy IS the voice of NBC. The networks shuttles him in from Arizona every weekend and he still does the intro for each and every show.

Did I mention he is 90 years old? Just to put that in perspective......he could be John McCain's father.

I'm talking ancient.

He looked at us and said, "You guys are going to see a GRRRRRRRREAT show!"

Did he say this EVERY week? Or was this legitamately a "GRRRRRRRRREAT" show? Who gave a crap. It was Don "Friggin" Pardo! He could have told me Rutgers still had a shot for the BCS title game and I would have believed him.

Almost.

I thought of taking my cell phone out and having the "Spanning the World" narrator record a "Happy Birthday" message to unveil in four months but I didn't feel like getting thrown out the 8th floor window by my arse and ruining a potentially great evening.

I think that's what happened to SNL alum Victoria Jackson...or at least her career.

Plus, I did consider the sight of the technological advancement that is the cell phone might have stunned Mr. Pardo to the point he had a heart attack leading to a Pete Rose-like lifetime ban from NBC property. That would have seriously dampered my hopes of getting on Deal or No Deal with my long lost twin Howie Mandel.

Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen performed an original song on vocals and guitar, respectively, and Jason Sudeikis did a little comedy for the audience.

And then 11:30 came before I knew it.

The show kicked off with a skit about John McCain approving inappropriate and messages and a "Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!" opened the credits. I knew there'd be an audience shot and looked for the camera to get my mug on national tv. Unfortunately, the only thing that made the sets in Northern Montana was the top of my shiny head.

Since the whole SNL actor thing never worked out, maybe I can be the real life Mr. Clean? Maybe after I hit the gym....everyday for the next 5 years.

Cameron Diaz made a cameo and was staring right at me for a good 5 minutes. I know we made eye contact. So what her cue cards were directly in front of me? And they had to put two people from the show directly between the cue cards and me so she didn't have to stare at my face for the final 4 minutes of the Cougars skit?

We had a moment.

E had her moment, too. Host James Franco was prepping for his scene and E started waving to him. He waved back and started laughing with her. I thought if this could get us to the after-party, then let them keep going. That didn't happen.

The show ended and I tried to get a photo of me on the stage one last time but I didn't want to end up like this moron at the Yankees game who got to know the long, painful side of a knight stick.

As we walked out, E told me to move quicker because she wanted to catch up to another celebrity...Kirsten Dunst. She wasn't wearing much makeup and didn't more like a spider than the chick from the Spiderman movies.

We got in the same elevator and I know I felt a connection there. I had a tingly feeling in my leg and knew my last shot of joining the afterparty would finally be successful. Then I realized the guy next to me was standing on my foot.

Overall, it was one exciting night that I wish I could experience every weekend. I did hit the final Yankees game at Yankee Stadium and hope to get pics on here from that in the near future.

On a final note, tickets for the Second Annual Picnic for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network are on sale! It is Oct. 5th at the Deutscher Club in Clark, NJ from 12-4 p.m.

Click on this link to buy a ticket or make a donation!

Thank you for your support!

-- Bartles & Jaymes

A Dream Come True!

Ever since I was 10 ten years old, I was hooked on Saturday Night Live. It might have been my mom's fascination with the show (thank you, Gilda Radner) or the fact that it was a good excuse to stay up until 1 A.M. on a Saturday night....even as a 5th grader.

When people would ask me what I wanted to do for a living, I told them I was going to be a cast member on the show. Once I interviewed for a desk editor job at a local newspaper. The question was posed to me, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

Now, I did consider the appropriate response, "I hope to be the managing editor of this newspaper." but my parents always taught me not to lie. It's like a commandment, right? After all, I don't want Charlie Heston giving me nightmares in my sleep. So, I told the truth:

"I believe I will be a cast member on Saturday Night Live."

I usually got laughs as a response but since laughs were like gold for me, I didn't seem to mind. (needless to say, I didn't get the job.....Thank God!)

I remember the first episode I ever saw with Mark Harmon...Suzanne Vega of "Luka" fame was the musical host. It was the 1986-87 season. There was a sketch artist skit with Kevin Nealon (along with his real hair back then) and Victoria Jackson (yes, that was when she was employed) that we taped and watched with my family over and over again. The premise of the skit was that the artist (Nealon) would draw pictures on paper with a black oil-like substance that got all over his hands. When he grabbed his subject's face to have them turn her head, he left black marks, which he promptly drew into the sketch.

Yeah, it might not sound great on paper, but in my household it was a riot. As a matter of fact, we STILL recite quotes from that show....along with numerous others.

I taped every episode of the show for almost 10 years. TONS and TONS of VHS tapes were all over my parents' house (along with the old movies my father taped.....I think the ratio of SNL tapes to his tapes were 1:320....you could have built the next Tower of Babel with all of them, which can be purchased for a serious discount....just email my mom...also expect to sit through 2 hours of photos and stories behind them)

Many of my comedic idols came from Saturday Night Live.....Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Phil Hartman, Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Terry Sweeney (no, not really)....and I worked hard to immitate them...especially anything that Carvey did (the first George Bush, a Chinese guy, "Choppin' Broccoli" singer, Ross Perot, etc.). Back in 1996, I actually got to meet Carvey and did a 30 second exchange with him in my Perot voice.

It was one of the highlights of my life. (Well, maybe not the part where I had a yellow stream running down my leg...)

Well, another high point arrives September 20th when I get to watch a live taping of Saturday Night Live....hosted by James Franco (the dude from Spiderman) and musical guest Kings of Leon.

Get that defribrillator ready, NBC. I may have a heart attack.

This has been a wait that's crossed through THREE decades. Reagan was president, gas was under a dollar, Miami Heat was considered to be a description of the weather in South Florida and not an NBA team, Rutgers soccer was on the rise, O.J. Simpson was a well-respected former NFL player, and I had a full head of hair.

My, it's been a long time.

While I don't think I will be able to audition for Lorne Michaels in the 1 hour or so before the show and reach the ultimate goal of being ON the show, this is a close second to that.

I'm very fired up.

Some things I have been pondering for the past few days.

• A caller on ESPN radio had the perfect solution to the new GIANTS Stadium naming rights. Could there be anything better than "JetBlue Stadium"? I just wonder what that would do to baggage costs.

• USC is the #1 team in the country. Period.

• Who was the biggest winner in the North Carolina/Rutgers game? Easy. It was Michigan.

• Do you think anyone is ever going to name their kid "Ike" again? I know "Katrina" is off the list. Shouldn't "Adolf" be used at some point?

• I got a ticket for the Metallica concert in February 2009. This is not good for my already failing hearing issues.

Lastly, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (formerly Pancan) is holding the Second Annual Picnic for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network on October 5th at the Deutscher Club in Clark, NJ. The event features a face painter, luncheon, pumpkin painting, music, door prizes, and more! Tickets are $30 each if you purchase them online ($35 at the door). Donations are welcome as well. Please click on this link for more information.

My father passed away from pancreatic cancer 6+ years ago, and I am doing whatever I can to try to prevent myself and others from going through a similar fate. There is no early detection method and the survivor rate is very low.

Please help and make a difference!

Thank you.

More Stuff from Youth

I figured since my previous posting dealt with my youth, why not throw this classic Public Service Announcement in.

Who knew Viagra was around in the early 1980s?

Big Smile!

I recently had a brief discussion with my sister in law, who swiped a can of soda away from my niece at dinner this past weekend. Her feeling was that constant intake of those types of carbonated beverages would lead to cavities, while my contention was lack of brushing and/or treks to the dentist office were more pressing concerns for looking like Mike Tyson by age 19.

My siblings and I were very fortunate to make regular trips to the dentist. It was more than just a checkup....we went to see Dr. Steinberg, an older fellow with eyebrows reminescent of Abe Vigoda in Look Who's Talking. You'd stare at them and wonder if Tarzan was going to swing through the window, latch onto his eyebrows and save me from the agony of the picking of my teeth.

(And while I'm on the topic....Abe Vigoda....dead or alive? No checking imdb.com and cheating, people)

We loved Dr. Steinberg (or as my grandmother used to call him, "Dr. Steinmets"...but to this day, we have no idea why) and he was almost like the crazy uncle we never had. It might have been his humorous but highly inappropriate jokes, where all ethnic groups weren't safe (equality of ripping was encouraged...along with a timely payment of services rendered) or the vast assortment of "Mad" and "Highlights" magazines he had in his waiting room. Does stealing Mad magazines from a doctor's office count as theft? I mean, he was attributing to the literacy of at least one young person.

Just wondering....

The walls looked like they were straight out of the 1970s with a nasty tree pattern that didn't make the experience much more delightful. And who could forget the special times I spent with Mr. Thirsty, the curved white suction-like apparatus that drained my mouth of saliva, nose phlegm and various other liquids around my tongue. It may have been my first attempt at impressions, as I turned this dentist's instrument into my own portable Darth Vader breathing machine. Oh to be age 6 again.

So where am I going with this? Great question. I think of all of the really bad crap I consumed as a child (candy, soda, etc.) and am shocked I didn't have a cavity until my early 20s. The one food product that I loved was cereal. The box bragged about how it was LOADED in vitamins and all this other healthy stuff. What 5 year old really cared about that? For me and for millions of other kids, it was all about taste. Looking back, I am wondering how all of my teeth didn't fall out with the brands I ate on a regular basis:

Cookie Crisp: How can this really be packaged as "cereal"? It was mini COOKIES! While walking through a local Pathmark with E, I saw Cookie Crisp and almost bought a box. Adjacent to that box was Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp with even MORE chocolate. Is this really necessary? Why not just make Coccaine Crisp? Small pieces of crack loaded with all the nutrients needed to get through the day. If you think kids have an ADHD problem now....just wait until we break that brand out.

Lucky Charms: This cereal may have tasted good but it really did a lot to tear apart families. What do I mean by that? Well, my mom went shopping every Sunday morning. She'd open the garage and put about 300 bags filled with groceries on the kitchen floor. I would pretend to help but would be more focused on my ultimate goal: finding the Lucky Charms. Yes, I was a real life leprechaun (maybe that's why I never reached the 5-foot-7 mark). You see, if I grabbed the box before my brother did, I could clean out all of the marshmallows and leave him with the oat-like crap. And there was nothing tastier than the crunchy marshmallows in a new box of LC (which ironically are my brother's initials but he didn't have a shot to get first swipe at this cereal). I won't even get into the effect this cereal had on me running around my neighborhood looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Instant wealth = not happening.

Count Chocula: This was one of my brother's favorites. I liked it not only for the marshmallows but the amazing magic caused when milk was added to a bowl of CC. The cereal was pure chocolate and the milk turned from bland milk to chocolate milk! I was mini-David Copperfield (without the looks or ability to make the Statue of Liberty disappear)! The cartoon in the commercial was kind of frightening and I was a little upset my purchases would be going toward a shady, turd-looking guy in a dungeon but the taste took care of that. It's amazing how much one's taste buds can cause you to go evil.

Frosted Flakes: Come on, Tony the Tiger. You've got a good product....but GRRRRRRR-EAT? I think not.

Fruit Loops/Trix: These cereals kind of fall under the same unbrella -- both hard and fruity (kinda like Richard Simmons). I really felt bad for the rabbit who was made to starve as the kids constantly prevented him from eating the round balls of enjoyment. If I ever turned into an animal rights activist, this could have been looked at as a turning point. Just once can you let the poor rabbit eat?? It was almost like letting Charlie Brown kick the damn football. Can't you see what a mess this kid's life is? And you're making it worse by teasing him and not allowing him to boot the football? This explains the root of all bullying.

Now, as an adult I'm forced to go with the Raisin Bran/Special K/Grape Balls, etc. brands. Not as good as I had as a kid, but as long as sugar is in the top 3 ingredients, then I'm good to go.

FYI, Abe Vigoda....still alive and kicking.

I'm a little frightened to know what his eyebrows look like now.